The jokes thread...

[thegame925]

Old Jokes Home:

Q: Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic, transvestite?

A: She just wanted to eat, drink and be Mary.

[Steff]

During the second world war when Germany invaded Poland, Nazi soldiers killed Poles indiscriminately.

One day a German soldier cornered a Polish man, put a revolver to his head and just before he pulled the trigger God's voice thundered from above saying:
"Do do kill this man. He will become Pope someday".

The Nazi soldier thought for a few moments, lowered his gun, looked up to the sky and said:
"Ok, I won't kill him if you let me be Pope after him?"

[daveduke007]

Ouch

[thegame925]

A New Zealander was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.

Looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.  

After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely New Zealander. So he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep..

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen.. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual.

It was another beautiful evening... red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance..

Pretty soon, the New Zealander  started to get 'those feelings' again.    

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and, realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered  in her ear,

'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

[daveduke007]

Isnt that titleist?

[titleist]

I was half expecting that duke
Like the joke TG

[pacman]

While being checked over by a beautiful young lady doctor: "so, have you any news to tell me?"

"Yes, you are going to have to stop masterbating"

"But doc, why?"

"Because I am trying to examine you"

[thegame925]

The Washington Post runs a weekly contest in its Style section
called the 'Style Invitational'.

The requirements this week were to use the two words
'Lewinsky' (the Intern) and 'Kaczynski' (the Unabomber)
in the same limerick.

Now, remember, the following winning entries were actually printed verbatim
in the newspaper, no bleeps or xxx's:


Third place:

There once was a girl named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas 'Hail to the Chief'
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.


Second place:

Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you made such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And please wipe that stuff off your chinsky.



And the winning entry:

Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known,
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter,
When deciding how best to be blown.

[titleist]

Teacher goes round her class randomly asking her 9year old pupils what jobs their fathers do for a living, all the usual occupations are there such as plumber, truck driver, lawyer. All the kids are entering into the spirit except little Billy who is nervously hunched over his desk. Teacher asks Billy to please tell the class what his father does for a crust, so throwing caution to the wind Billy explains his father works in a gay gogo bar in Sydney where customers cruise in and fondle his dad's genitals before taking him upstairs to a filthy short time room to shag him in the arse. Teacher is totally shocked and quickly gives the class an exercise before taking Billy aside and asking if what he just said was really true......Billy turns to the teacher and confesses he made it all up. His father really plays cricket for Australia but he was too fucking embarrased to admit it.  

[Bumpa STIKKA]

[pacman]

      Brilliant...        

Makes my effort seem piss-poor...      

[guydesavoy]

69billy jnr

[Tomcat]

What is the difference between a Cat and a Corporate Banker both lying dead on the motorway....

There are skid marks around the Cat.  

[Torurot]

The Prime Minister and the Little Girl

The Prime Minister was seated next to a little girl on an airplane trip from Melbourne to Canberra so she turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the Prime Minister . "How about global warming, the plight of the boat migrants and the lack of competition in the Banking world, or the stimulus packages?" as she smiled smugly.

"OK," said the little girl. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a rabbit all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet, a rabbit excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The Prime Minister, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, migration, or the economy, when you don't know shit?"

And then she went back to reading her book.

[thegame925]

I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really sexy Thai girl.

I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection. Please don't get an erection."

But she did.