The jokes thread...

[DexterH]

1) I hope I have this Tommy Cooper routine correct:

"I went to see my doctor the other day. I said, 'I'm sorry I havent been to see you but I've been ill'. Then he asked me to stand on the table. Why? I asked, 'so I can hoover the carpet' he replied."

2) A trio of secret agents go hunting in the woods outside Washington DC. They decide to have a competition to see who can shoot the largest deer, and fan out into the woods. When they return the KGB agent hasn't shot anything, nor, when he returns has the CIA agent. The Mossad agent returns to the camp holding a rabbit and claims the prize. 'But that's not a deer!' the other two protest. 'Yes it is', says the Mossad agent, 'it confessed'.

I don't rate any of the so-called comedians who have emerged in the last 20 years or so, this selection of Edinburgh Fringe comics published in 2008 may explain why -I read them all without a laugh.
http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-en....42.html

[mirimark]

A beautiful women is in a shoe store buying shoes.  The salesman is kneeling down fitting the shoe to her foot.  The salesman looks up and in doing so he notices the women is wearing no panites.
The salesman says; Baby, I'd love to eat that pussy full of Ice Cream.

The women is very insulted and runs home to tell her husband what has happened.  She tells her husband the shoe salesman wanted to Eat her pussy full of Ice Cream..  She tells her husband to go to the shoe store and Kick his Ass.

The husband says to the wife; Honey, number 1 you shouldn't have left the house without any panites on.  Number 2, you have way too many pair shoes anyhow, and Number 3, Anybody who can eat that much Ice Cream I don't want to Fuck With.

[mirimark]

A Nun gets into a cab and while riding in the back seat the Nun notices the cab driver keeps starring at her. The Nun asks; " Son, why you keep starring at me?. "

The cab driver replies; " I don't want to offend you but I have a question for you. " The Nun says don't worry son, as long as I've been a Nun I have seen & heard it all, you won't offend me.

The cab driver says; Ok, well I have always had a fantasy about a Nun Kissing me. Don't worry, I am catholic and a Single man.

The Nun replies, well pull over somewhere and I'll Kiss you.
The cab driver gets all excited and pulls over. They Kiss for a while.

While driving on down the road the cab driver starts to cry. The Nun says whats wrong son, The cab driver says, I lied to you, I am a Married man and I'm really Jewish.

The Nun replies; thats ok, my real name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Holloween costume party.

[whore]

My sperm count is so high, my gf has to chew before she swallows.

It can also be used as tile adhesive.

[DexterH]

From the 2010 Edinburgh Festival apparently cruelty is the new comedy...

Top ten best jokes judged at the Edinburgh Festival Fringe

1) Tim Vine - "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

2) David Gibson - "I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."

3) Emo Philips - "I picked up a hitchhiker. You've got to when you hit them."

4) Jack Whitehall - "I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid."

5) Gary Delaney - "As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."

6) John Bishop - "Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."

7) Bo Burnham - "What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names."

8) Gary Delaney - "Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."

9) Robert White - "For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: empty."

10) Gareth Richards - "Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food, or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub€¦"

And the worst€¦

Sara Pascoe - "Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side."

Sean Hughes - "You know city-centre beat officers... Well are they police who rap?"

John Luke Roberts - "I made a Battenberg where the two colours ran alongside each other. I called it apartheid sponge."

Emo Philips - "I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them."

Bec Hill - "Some of my best friends are vegan. They were going to come today but they didn't have the energy to climb up the stairs."

Dan Antopolski - "How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb? Juan."

Doc Brown - "I was born into the music industry. My dad worked in Our Price."

[whore]

A guy walks into a shop and asks for a Kit Kat chunky. The girl gets him a Kit Kat chunky and the guy turns around and says, "hey I said a Kit Kat you fat cunt"

[mirimark]

(whore @ Aug. 31 2010,07:32) A guy walks into a shop and asks for a Kit Kat chunky. The girl gets him a Kit Kat chunky and the guy turns around and says, "hey I said a Kit Kat you fat cunt"

LOVE IT !

[Jake_Sully]

LOL!

[Steff]

funny!!!

[spare wheel]

6 TRUTHS OF LIFE...



1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time.










2. All idiots, after reading #1 will try it.









3. And discover #1 is a lie.









4. You are smiling now because you are an idiot.









5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.









6. There is still a stupid smile on your face.



I apologize about this but I'm an idiot and I needed company.


You now have 2 options...delete it or send it along to put a smile on someone's face

[mirimark]

http://www.facebook.com/video/video....4510084&ref=mf

[Jake_Sully]

I'm seriously laughing so hard, I'm crying.

[spare wheel]

Zeebo is a little African boy who walks 15 miles a day just to fetch water.


Bet he wishes he was a Paki

SW

[spare wheel]

I recently got a new job at the local park sweeping up the leaves.

im raking it in

sw

[spare wheel]

Somerset have beaten Pakistan by 5 wickets at Taunton next Thursday

SW