The jokes thread...

[stogie bear]

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you fuckers who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're fucking off, pronto!"

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

So exactly two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train.

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fucking bitch in the kitchen!"

[PigDogg]

[Guest]

[Guest]

A man walks into a pet shop and asks the shopkeeper for a long living hampster.
The shopkeeper indicates a cage "This basic hampster will last you year."
The man replies "No it is for my Daughter and i dont want her to have another pet die so quickly."
The Shopkeeper points out another critter "This thoroughbred hampster will last 2 years"
"No still not long enough" Says the man.
"Hmm ok." Muses the shopkeeper. "This one is special, it is a geneticaly modified hampster and will last 3 years."  "You can then make it into Jam"

The man buys the super hampster and sure enough after 3 years it dies.  He remembers what the shopkeeper told him so he blended the hampster and made him into jam.
The man tasted the jam and it was awful so he threw the remains out of the window.
A few days later he was in the garden when he noticed a patch of daffodils growing where the remains of the hampster had fallen, Thinking this strange he went back to the petshop.
The man told the shopkeep what happened and asked if this was unusual.

The shopkeeper replied "Daffodils you say?  That is unusual,  Usually you only get Tulips from Hampster Jam!"



Sorry couldnt resist

[allstar88]

A man walks into a pet shop and asks the shopkeeper for a long living hampster.
The shopkeeper indicates a cage "This basic hampster will last you year."
The man replies "No it is for my Daughter and i dont want her to have another pet die so quickly."
The Shopkeeper points out another critter "This thoroughbred hampster will last 2 years"
"No still not long enough" Says the man.
"Hmm ok." Muses the shopkeeper. "This one is special, it is a geneticaly modified hampster and will last 3 years."  "You can then make it into Jam"

The man buys the super hampster and sure enough after 3 years it dies.  He remembers what the shopkeeper told him so he blended the hampster and made him into jam.
The man tasted the jam and it was awful so he threw the remains out of the window.
A few days later he was in the garden when he noticed a patch of daffodils growing where the remains of the hampster had fallen, Thinking this strange he went back to the petshop.
The man told the shopkeep what happened and asked if this was unusual.

The shopkeeper replied "Daffodils you say?  That is unusual,  Usually you only get Tulips from Hampster Jam!"



Sorry couldnt resist

god loves a tryer

[mirimark]

A Child Molester, a Drunk, a Priest walk into a Bar. And thats just the First guy.

Don't get me started fuckers. I can string this topic out with replies that will rival the
Stupid Online Game. I have a Trippy story for you.
The year, 1985 I was living in Fort Myers FLorida on Estero Island. We were sitting aroung eating Pizza with the Ultimate kind of Mushrooms. I managed to make up a joke that went over really well.
About 10 years Later I am sitting in a Bar called STIX in Mesa Arizona and some Buzzed stranger who thought he was a funny guy was telling me jokes. He told me my Own original joke. I told him thats my joke. I think I convienced him because I told him the story of how it originated.

10 years and nearly 2000 miles, my joke found its way back to its maker.
You might not think much of it, but I thinks its Cool.

[Guest]

And the joke?

[mirimark]

I've forgotten more jokes than most people know. Its bedTime dude, I don't want to even get started on this Jokes thread, the more I tell the more I start to remember the ones I thought I forgot.

See you Monday, taking the weekend Off.

[allstar88]

how do you make your wife moan after sex?wipe your dick on the curtains          

[jellybean]

Okay, I think I understand the level of humour we're looking for here, so here's my contri ;-

Q. How do you make a hormone?

A. Don't pay her

[allstar88]

a buisnessman is traveling on a texan night sleeper train and at 3 in the morning he is awoken by a loud grating noise and thrown from his bed and tossed about his carriage ,after about half an hour the noise stops and he goes back to sleep .the next morning he complains to a steward about the noise during the night. the texan steward replies not to worry as they had ran over a negro. the buiseness man says he is confused as the noise went on for half an hour? to which the texan replies well we had to chase him across 4 fields!       (sorry if this is non p.c. do not ban me please,its only a joke)

[allstar88]

the only difference between my wife and a rottwieler is lipstick

[Randyman]

actually I'm not sure if this is a joke or not

Randyman

[Randyman]

dag nabbit
forgot to add the pic

[Guest]

What do you call a bar girl with a runny nose?

Full!!