The jokes thread...

[Torurot]

WORLD SURVEY BY PHONE

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:-

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions
to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

1.  In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.  
2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
3.  In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.  
4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
5.  In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.  
6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
7.  In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
8. In Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

[spare wheel]

Little Johnny got kicked out of class today!
The teacher asked him, "If I gave you £20 and you paid £5 to Joanne, £5 to Jane and £5 to Katie, what would you have?
"Apparently, "Three blowjobs and enough left for a kebab," was the wrong answer.


SW„¢

[strocube]

Some crazy bastard stuck six plastic horses up his ass.
Dr. says he's in stable condition.

[strocube]

Some old dude is standing in line at the store when a young girl drops her lollypop on the ground. The guy says, "Oh, my you've got some fluff on your little sweetie." The girl replies proudly, "Yes, and I'm only twelve."

[SiamSam]

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."

The bartender feeling slightly awkward tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "It a hot summer so far. Been on holiday yet, lads?"

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English, they're so arrogant and rude."

"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.

"Well, it's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

[SiamSam]

They say there are only two things wrong with Canada:

January and February.

This is me in Canada training for my upcoming trip to Pattaya

[Torurot]

That is a VERY funny picture

[Torurot]

DIARY OF A POMMIE IN WESTERN AUSTRALIA

August 31 - Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home in Karratha, Western Australia .. Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I've finally found my new home. I love it here.

September 13 - Really heating up now. It got to 31 today. No problem though. Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a sun-worshipper €“ no blasted rain like back in Leeds!!

September 30 - Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me! Another scorcher today, but I love it here. It€™s Paradise!

October 10 - The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's windy though. Keeps the flies off a bit. Acclimatising is taking longer than we expected.

October 15 - Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed three days off work. What a dumb thing to do. Got to respect the old sun in a climate like this!

October 20 - Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit. I've learned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.

October 25 - This wind is a bastard. It feels like a giant fucking blow dryer. And it's hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from fucking Perth ....The wife & the kids are complaining.

October 30 - The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for the fucking air conditioner. House is an oven so we€™ve all been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $600,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why the hell did I ever come here?

November 4 - Finally got the fuckin Air-conditioner fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 35. Stupid repairman. Fucking thief.

November 8 - If one more smart bastard says 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to fucking throttle him. Fucking heat! By the time I get to work, the car radiator is boiling over, my fucking clothes are soaking fucking wet and I smell like baked cat. Fucking place is the end of the Earth.

November 9 - Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in my car. I thought my fucking arse was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and off my fucking  arse. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

November 10 -€“ The Weather report might as well be a fucking recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and fucking sunny. It never fucking  changes! It's been too hot to do anything for 2 fucking months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Fuck!

November 15 - Doesn't it ever rain in this damn fucking place? Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the fucking pool. The only things that thrive in this fucking hell-hole are the fucking flies. You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the little bastards!

November 20 - Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 fuckin' degrees today. Now the air conditioner's gone in my car. The repair man came to fix it and said, 'Hot enough for you today?' I wanted to shove the fucking car up his fucking arse. Anyway, had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid prick. Fucking arratha! What kind of sick, demented fucking idiot would want to live here!

December 1 - WHAT!!!! The FIRST day of Summer!!!! You are fucking kidding me!

[laputanegra]

[Tomcat]

 

ha ha

tech Support got me. Those Indian call centres are the biggest bunch on clowns on the planet

i hate phoning those idiots.

btw i thought inbreeding was a Tasmanian thing.

[jimslim]

Jesus and meth the perfect combination

[strocube]

Good one, La Puta Negra. I live in the Stoner part of the map. Which is convenient, since I also happen to be a stoner.

[Rocket J. Squirrel]

I live in "Freaks"

[strocube]

I'd like to live with the lazy fucks or the hobbits.

[daveduke007]

For types

A Barnsley bloke wakes up one morning with a sore arse

So he goes to the shop and asks

"As thee any arse cream?"

"Aye" said the shopkeeper "does tha want a Magnum or a Cornetto"