The jokes thread...

[Squid55]

(daveduke007 @ Apr. 20 2011,06:02) For    types

A Barnsley bloke wakes up one morning with a sore arse

So he goes to the shop and asks

"As thee any arse cream?"

"Aye" said the shopkeeper "does tha want a Magnum or a Cornetto"

eeeeh, tha's meer muckle tha' a Barnsley chop Dave.

[Squid55]

But let's get back to Tommy Cooper:

two cannibals .... on the beach .... clown in a cooking pot

One cannibal turns to the other ... "does this taste funny to you?"

hah hah hah just like that

[thegame925]

This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the seventies. and the English comedian, Ronnie Barker, could say all this without a snigger (though God knows how many takes).

The irony is that they received not one complaint.

The speed of delivery must have been too much for the whining herds.

Try getting through it, reading it aloud, without converting the spoonerisms [and not wetting your pants] as you read ...

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.


Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing scloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shut. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.



Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity. At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. 'Mist all chucking frighty!!!' said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.



The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. 'Who's fust jarted??' asked the prandsome hince. 'Blame that fugly ucker over there!!' said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk. Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!

[thegame925]

The American Medical Association has weighed in on President Obama's health care proposals:

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled; "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The ENT specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn't hear of it.

The Pharmacologists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter....."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arse holes in Washington....

[mirimark]

Why don't Elephants put in Tampons ? You wouldn't either if you had to put them in with your Nose.

[mirimark]

The one good thing about Alzheimer's disease is; You meet new friends every day.

[mirimark]

I was sitting in Cocktails & Dreams last night and a ladyboy and I where talking. And then she asks me;
" Does my breath smell like tacos ? " and I said, I don't know, do you put Cat shit on your tacos ?

[mirimark]

Why don't men like sleeping with their woman in the morning ? You ever try and open a grilled cheese sandwich ?

[f0xxee]

What did one Tampon say to the other Tampon?

Nothing, they were both stuck-up cunts.

Bada bing....

[mirimark]

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu....
+Tourist:$5.00 +Broiled Missionary:$10.00 +Fried Explorer:$15.00 +Baked Developper; $20.00 or
Grilled Asian Ladyboy :$100.00 The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,"Why such a high price for the Asian Ladyboy?" The waiter replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of shit, it takes all day."

[TEXASMAC]

[spare wheel]

paddy & murphy on a building site, paddy says 'i want a day off sick, i'm gonna pretend i'm mad
' he climbs up to the rafters & hangs upside down and shouts 'i'm a lightbulb! I'm a lightbulb!'
foreman shouts 'you're fucking mad, go home!' so he leaves the site.
Murphy packs up to leave as well
, foreman says 'where the fuck are you going?

' murphy says 'i can't work in the feckin dark can i ?!

[spare wheel]

Police have started using water cannons on the rioters,

They are adding Daz to the water to stop the coloureds running


boom boom

[Dieter]

Just found !!!




There was a party consisting of six deviants ( a masochist, a sadist, a pyromaniac,a zoophiliac, a serial killer and a necrophiliac).

The sadist says, "Let's find a cat and torture it".

The zoophiliac then says, "Let's find a cat, torture it, then fuck it".

The pyromaniac then suggests, "Let's find a cat, torture it, fuck it, then set it on fire"

The serial killer adds, "Let's find a cat, torture it fuck it, set it on fire, then kill it">

The necrophiliac joins in, saying, "Let's find a cat, torture it, fuck it, set it on fire, kill it and fuck it again".

And finally the masochist joins in by saying, "Meow"!!!

[TEXASMAC]

I got this today from one of my female employes. What do you call 3 lesbians in a closet? A Liquor Cabinet. Get in Lick her Cabinet !!!