The jokes thread...

[Tomcat]

I was watching Chicago comedian Bill Malone the other day and he is a funny guy. He was talking about them nights on the town when you get completely drunk and wake up in the morning next to stranger

" you dont know her name , where she came from ... how she died "

[daveduke007]

" And what will the lovely lady be having?"asked the waiter whilst this blokes wife was in the toilet"
"I dont know" he replied "Probaly a shit, she's been gone a while"

[Tomcat]

Old Patrick died, and wanted to be buried at sea.

So his mates Paddy and Murphy got a rowing boat and put the coffin in it and rowed about a mile out to sea, almost to the Skelligs.

Paddy said, "I wonder if this is far enough"?

So Murphy jumped over the side, and disappeared.

After several minutes, Murphy came up and said,

Yes, this is deep enough.

Pass me the shovel.

[Tomcat]

A bloke's

wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.


He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen , the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but some good news and maybe some more good news.'
'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first.'
The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry, mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'
The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.
The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good-sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'
He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.
'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?'

'Well,' the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again.'

[thegame925]

Subject: National stereotypes!


On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman.
2 French men and 1 French woman.
2 German men and 1 German woman.
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman.
2 English men and 1 English woman.
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman.
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman.
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman.
2 American men and 1 American woman.
2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman.
2 New Zealand men and 1 New Zealand woman.
2 Scotsmen and 1 Scotswoman.

One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the
middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred.

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a ménage-a-trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits
with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the
English woman.

The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean and another long look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor store/restaurant/laundry and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to obtain employees for their store.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps on complaining about her body, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything they can do, the necessity of fulfilment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is improving.

The two Australian men beat each other senseless fighting over the
Australian woman, who is checking the islands for other men.

Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.

The two Scotsmen divided the island into North and South and set up a
distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets
sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey. But they're
satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.

[TEXASMAC]

[TEXASMAC]

A trucker driving down a steep hill and was startled to find a man and woman lying in the center
of the road, making love. He blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on the couple.
Realizing that they were not about to get out of the way, he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches away from them.

Getting out of the truck, madder than hell, the driver walked to the front of the cab and looked down at the couple, still in the road, and yelled, "What the hell is the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me? You could have been killed!!!!"

The man on the highway, obviously satisfied and not too concerned, looked up and said, "Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming! You were the only one with brakes!"

[Rockheart]

The many faces of Pattaya

The many faces of Pattaya

11083630_389804777865086_6725494070008015718_n.jpg

[BAM]

Tom is great!

https://youtu.be/dPLWKBWkn3s

[guysnightlife]

lol lots of laughs here thanks

[Guest]

Don't get me started fuckers. I can string this topic out with replies that will rival the
Stupid Online Game. I have a Trippy story for you.
The year, 1985 I was living in Fort Myers FLorida on Estero Island. We were sitting aroung eating Pizza with the Ultimate kind of Mushrooms. I managed to make up a joke that went over really well.
About 10 years Later I am sitting in a Bar called STIX in Mesa Arizona and some Buzzed stranger who thought he was a funny guy was telling me jokes. He told me my Own original joke. I told him thats my joke. I think I convienced him because I told him the story of how it originated.

[flamingofarmer]

Very funny comic... check his channel . His Uncle Roger character is the best asian

Tinder

Rice cooker

[flamingofarmer]

Meanwhile in Canada .......

[flamingofarmer]

I stumbled across this on youtube. Its a skit from a South African comedy show. Its sort of fitting as we all fly, but these two flight attendants are funny...

[Edward Raines]

I stumbled across this on youtube. Its a skit from a South African comedy show. Its sort of fitting as we all fly, but these two flight attendants are funny...

Its Really Funny