When visiting the Family of your sweetheart

[si geena]

Hello,

Hopefully this discussion will yield some reliable pointers on what to look out for when you eventually do visit your Thai sweetheart's family.

Some basic background as follows.

I'm visiting the family, based in Bangkok, in and around Samut Prakan for the first time soon.

They are hosting my visit, so I do intend to make a positive impression with some gifts. Any pointers here?

Further, I've been told that I'll be staying in the same room as my sweetheart. I'm not certain of the protocol but I was advised by some friends who are familiar with Thai culture that it's a positive signal and that refusal to share the same room suggests that I still hold reservations about my sweetheart.

I have spoken to the mother briefly over the phone and she sounds like a nice genuine person.

Well, I'm sure Pogue Mahone and a number of you guys have something to add. Please go ahead.

Thank you.

[PigDogg]

There's a chance that you might be really freaked out by the food so if travelling by car bring lots of bottled water and peanuts, potato chips etc, something you can fill up on if you're starved.

I'll leave it to others more knowledgeable to comment on protocol.

[kahuna]

(si geena @ Jun. 19 2008,16:56) They are hosting my visit, so I do intend to make a positive impression with some gifts. Any pointers here?

Further, I've been told that I'll be staying in the same room as my sweetheart. I'm not certain of the protocol but I was advised by some friends who are familiar with Thai culture that it's a positive signal and that refusal to share the same room suggests that I still hold reservations about my sweetheart.

Ask your lady what gifts to bring to her family...and don't expect them to shower you with thanks...it's not the Thai way...

In my experience your friends are correct...If you elect to sleep somewhere other than her bed she will likely lose a great deal of face...On the other hand, by sharing her bed in her home in their eyes you are making a strong commitment to her and to her family...

In my case, it was later explained to me by one of her aunts, that by accepting her bed, that she and I were now considered to be married...I was never certain how much of that statement was bullshit, but marriage was not something I was looking for...

In any event, the entire episode for me lasted for several on and off again months, but was generally a very positive experience...

Good luck...

[stogie bear]

Being in more rural climes could set you up for an uncomfortable trip. In Samut Prakan, however you should be fairly safe!

How many nights are you going for? The first trip should be no longer than two nights. They will find it hard to impress you for longer than this and your 'star' appeal will start to flag. (Always keep 'em wanting more!)

Take as much cash as you think you'll need and NO MORE. Do NOT take credit cards, etc. Make it VERY VERY clear to your partner how much you are taking and that you don't have any cards with you.

In this way you won't be talked into separating your wallet from your cash which Thais are adept at doing.

Take her mother a shawl (or some item of Thai attire) and her father a bottle of whiskey... unless you know he doesn't drink. Make it a decent brand so he can show it off to his mates. Some bags of candy can turn rug rats and other kids into disciples!

Don't expect plaudits or anything more than a courteous wai for your efforts. Whilst the gifts won't be expected and they will certainly be appreciated it's not customary for Thais to grovel platitudes of gratefulness to strangers, especially farangs.

You are staying overnight so take mosquito repellent! LOTS of it!

They know you are coming so they will be trying as hard to impress you as you are them, so...

Eat everything you are offered but politely decline third helpings!

Drink everything you are offered but don't get drunk!

Comment on the best features of the house to your girlfriend's mother (especially if the neighbors are snooping around...) It may be a picture on the wall or it may be a pretty garden area.

Ask the parents directly what they do and show sincere interest in the answer. Ask them questions about how they do it but NEVER ask them about salary, etc.

Never talk about money. Just pretend you don't understand. This includes ANY aspect of money including how poor they are, how rich you are, the value of the baht and the crappy harvest yield in Issan! Just don't get dragged in to a conversation about money on any account. Don't don't don't!

The more questions you ask and the more sincere interest you show the quicker and more likely you are to be accepted.

You will be asked a lot of questions and the attention you are getting will probably make you uncomfortable.

Not only are you on show... you are on trial! All your reactions will be remembered, talked about and filed away for future reference.

Some of the questions may take you by surprise... "Guess how old my granny is?" or "Don't you think that dwarf is soooo pretty?"

Don't be offended if you are the butt of a harmless practical joke. It's actually a good sign.

For me - I was given a mug of some drink where a novelty ceramic roach/bug had been included at the bottom of the cup. It looked pretty realistic too as I was glugging my way to the bottom! I put on a good show and everyone had a good laugh at me. I wondered why they were all staring at me while I was drinking it...  

If you are invited out for a family meal in a local restaurant all kinds of 'relatives' will show up and be sitting at the table. You will be expected to pay if the family is poor. Be forceful and pay and show willingness to do so. Refuse help... the 'help' offered is probably symbolic.

Become a Manchester United supporter, or if this is too hard to stomach try Liverpool. So long as the team plays in red! Say the words 'David Beckam' a lot in front of the men!

As for sleeping together... I suspect this is something of a ruse to tie you to the family before you are ready! But if you really are in love then it's fine. If your relationship is a new one then be wary.

Idle chit chat is dangerous - Thais do not forget... for example...

An aunt will try to talk you into investing in her great idea for knife sharpening business... An Uncle will want to 'borrow' 500 baht till 'the next day!' Wish them well and politely decline.

When to 'wai'?

If you meet the mother before you get to her house then you are in luck... you won't need to! If you walk through the door of your girlfriend's family home then 'wai' the most senior person you can see... maybe the girls mother or grandmother (...and make it a good one, too!)

Shake hands if it is a male. And just before you return to the sanity of the city, do the same thing on the way out when you are saying your goodbyes.

Basically - show interest in them and pick up the tab! Don't give large sums of cash and don't make promises you have no intention of keeping.

[Road Runner]

Good advice from those above - Stogie especially.

To echo what Kahuna said - ask your girl about suitable presents. Your idea of gifts and theirs may be very different.

I ended up taking warm clothes as gifts! It gets cold in the higher parts of Issan at night.

When they receive the gifts don't expect any real show of recognition or thamks - it's not the Thai way.
Also they do not open the gifts in front of you - that is considered to show impatience/greed.

RR.

[jimslim]

Don't break wind in public , but if you do quickly blame one of the stray dogs around the house

[Stewart]

Well, I'm sure Pogue Mahone and a number of you guys have something to add. Please go ahead.

Don't tell them that you are one of the stars of the Sleazy Singapore Rowell Romps thread on this forum

[Freebird]

Done 2 trips to the small hometown of "my teerak" (NOT GF! Fuckbuddies or something like that) near Buriram.

Nobody was that much interested in me but everyone was friendly.

Before we went to her home I told her that we are doing it so she can see her children and for no other reason! If anyone tries to get me married or any other fucking bullshit, we'll not do it again. First trip, everything ok, so we did another one. Next week she'll go back again, this time without me, cause I got to work. Next time I'll join her again.

"The first trip should be no longer than two nights. They will find it hard to impress you for longer than this" they didn't try anything ^^

Nobody asked me for money, only one time 20 baht for "my teerak's" daughter...

So, any good advise... hmmmm...

- Learn to shit squating.

- Hope you can stand the food...

- Stogie already mentioned everything important I guess.

Just go with it. ^^

[Naang Faa]

Theres not much i can add except..

Don't try to be flash with the gifts..you'll embarrass the host..
Wrap it up nicely....but don't use black,blue or green wrapping paper coz thats for funerals
...and only use red if they are Chinese origin!
Like Stogie said,comment on the best feature of the home..but don't over do it!

Thais are great hosts and they just want you to feel welcome and comfortable when your
there..
I've done quite a few homestays over the years some even without the girls
Thais love to teach you there customs so don't read too much beforehand and
just enjoy the experience...

x

[jimslim]

I actually did it myself with someone I've known a few years now and it was quite an experience .

Fair play to the girl in question , she actually warned me before hand about her Grandma that she had a few quid stashed away but wasn't too keen on spending it .(The grandma was the head of the household , the grandad was a cool guy and had more sense , he moved out and lived in the house across the road   )

I had a laugh , the three days I was there I don't think I even saw another westerner , we went to a nightclub (Thai version   ) one night with a few of her GG girlfriends , where I was getting some sexy chat from a few LBs who had never left the home town or had a farang boyfriend .

Where was I ? Ah yes gifts etc , bought the local kids a football so we could all have a kickabout during the day , last night we went to the market and bought a load of chicken and pork and a few bottles of whiskey , gin and a load of beer , the plan was to have a bit of a houseparty before I left for Bangkok .........
Well the grandma got hold of the whiskey and gin and hid it somewhere under the house , claiming I bought it for her because I had given it to her .
Luckily the drink was recovered and the party was saved , everytime the old grandma came in to top up her glass everyone just rolled their eyes to the sky  

[Road Runner]

Great post Jim!    

If you are prepared to muck-in (go with the flow) then you can have a really good time.

I always remember one of my Ex girlfriend's friends who was not passable but has a great personality and a great sense of humour.
She used to show up at family parties and as the evening progressed would go off  'shopping'.    
She always managed to pick up one of the male party goers on her  'shopping'  forays.
Whenever  'shopping'  gets mentioned I think of her.    

RR.

[Ladyboy_Loser!]

Print out SB's response, take it with you, read it as many times as necessary. The one thing that you need to understand is that this visit to her family with a Farang is a major event both for her and her family. It indicates that this is a serious relationship and should that not be the case be forewarned that she will loose face big time. You most certainly do not want that to happen. I knew what to expect going to visit the first time, I had read Thailand Fever, I asked questions of other Farangs, I asked her about some of my concerns. After all was said and done I had the time of my life. I can tell you that just about everything SB said about the actual visit did happen to me.

[si geena]

So far the comments and discussion has been fantastic. Just to provide some additional points to slant this discussion.

1. Gifts. I've been told that I do not need to bring anything by my girl, other than a bottle of perfume which the mom likes. I probed a few alternative angles but all were pretty much shot down either with "Too expensive" or "Thais don't like." So I guess I'm pretty much going to settle with the perfume. Really, even a simple CD was considered "Too expensive."

2. Duration of Stay. I'm likely to be spending 5 days/ nights with them, the entirety of my trip.

3. Luggage. I've been advised to bring minimal clothing. That clothes will be available and provided for my use. I find this highly interesting.

4. Farang. I'm not one.

[stogie bear]

1 - Take the shawl and the whiskey anyway. Don't listen to your girlfriend on this one. Sounds like she's either trying too hard to please you or she's setting you up for something.

2 - I think this is too long especially if you want some time alone with your gal. After a couple of days of being monitored and followed around you are gonna get paranoid and horny!

3 - They are providing you with clothes to wear? Hmmm... I'm starting to get the feeling now that this is getting a bit creepy. Just how long have you known this girl?

Seriously, I would rearrange the length of this trip to a more manageable two nights and tell other people exactly where you are going to be (and when to expect you back.) Somethings not quite right with this.

I hope I'm wrong and that you have known the girl a long time and are both in love.

Good luck. Please let us know what happens and how off the mark I was!!!

[pacman]

Hmmm, not quite creepy but not quite right.

What's with the clothes to wear, that's a new one for me ... has anyone else experienced this?

And the CD "too expensive" .... more like not expensive enough. I'm with Stogie on the idea of you being set up.

Taking all the pressure off you as regards money just makes you less suspicious that you may be propositioned in a way that will be hard to escape.

In all my experiences with the working girls of LOS, delightful creatures they may be, they all come from impoverished backgrounds & are totally obsessed with money.

To disarm you is an excellent tactic ... "I no want money, I only love you" ... it worked like a charm 30 years ago & long after we aren't around, it will still be working.

If I sound like a heartless mercenary to those whos girls "are different, they only love me" ... I'm sorry.

We deal every day with the World's best at manipulating our feelings & if you don't wake up & learn to play by their rules, then be prepared for the consequences.

Si Geena, we are privileged to have a ring-side seat for your meeting with the family. All of us will be waiting with baited breath as to how you fare.

Whatever happens, at least you can't say you haven't been warned.