My favorite irish/Aussie/Pommy/Kiwi Joke

[seanbeag7]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were reading a newspaper article about which nationalities' brains were for sale for transplant purposes. An Irishman's or a Scotsman's brain could be bought for £500 but an Englishman's brain cost £10,000. That proves,' said The Englishman, 'that Englishmen are much cleverer than Irishmen or Scotsmen.'
'No it doesn't,' said The Irishman, 'it just means that an Englishman's brain has never been used.'

[seanbeag7]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. As she pays for her ticket, the bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You shouldn't take that. You tell him off €“ go ahead,

I'll hold your monkey."

[seanbeag7]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were hungry one night and had money only for a small pie. Since it was too small to divide they decided to go to sleep and The pie would go to The person who had The most interesting dream.
When they woke up in The morning. The Englishman said, 'I had a very interesting dream. I dreamed I was ruler over The whole world. You can't get more interesting than that, so I deserve The pie.'
'Hold it,' said The Scotsman. 'I dreamed I was ruler over The whole universe, so that pie belongs to me.'
'I had The most interesting dream of all,' said The Irishman. 'I dreamed I was hungry, so I got up and ate The pie.'

[seanbeag7]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman all grew up in The Gaeltacht and never learned to speak English. One day they went to Dublin and The Englishman heard a man saying, 'We three,' so he went around all day saying, 'We three'. The Scotsman heard a man saying 'For The want of money', so he went around all day saying, 'For The want of money'. The Irishman heard a man saying 'We well deserve it', so he went around all day saying, 'We well deserve it'.
That evening as they were making their way home they came across a dead man lying on The ground. A policeman came up to them and said 'Who killed this man?'
'We three,' said The Englishman.
'Why did you do it?' asked The policeman.
'For The want of money,' said The Scotsman.
'You'll all go to jail,' said The policeman.
'We well deserve it,' said The Irishman.

(The Gealtacht is an area in the West of Ireland, where Irish is spoken as an every-day event.)

[seanbeag7]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman all went to The pub together. The Englishman spent £30, The Scotsman spent £50 and The Irishman spent a very pleasant evening indeed.

[seanbeag7]

An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork...Have you actually ever tasted it?
The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."
Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too...I know you're suposed to be celibate. But...." The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice."
There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"

[seanbeag7]

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price. The motorcycle is missing a seal, though, so whenever it rains Steve has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.

Steve€™s girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents one evening. He drives his new motorcycle to his girlfriend€™s house.

She is waiting outside for him when he arrives. &quotNo matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word. Our family had a fight a while ago about doing the dinner dishes. We haven't done any since... and the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve sits down for dinner and soon notices that his girlfriend wasn€™t exaggerating. It is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen and nobody is saying a word. Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her onto the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her father is obviously livid, and her mother is horrified. Yet, when Steve and his girlfriend resume their placs at the dinner table, nobody says a word.

A few minutes later, Steve grabs his girlfriend€™s mom, throws her onto the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her father is boiling, and her mother is a little more pleased. But still, there is complete silence at the table.

Suddenly, there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle outside and so he jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline.

With a look of terror in his eyes, the girlfriend€™s father backs away from the table and exclaims, &quotOkay, enough already, I'll do the damn dishes!"

[seanbeag7]

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: "What's that?"

Lady 2: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."

Lady 1: "Where did you get it?"

Lady 2: "You can get them at any drugstore."

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of
age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: "It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

[f0xxee]

One for Pentire and the horse racing fraternity....

Sammy was having a few drinks by himself at a London casino when he
met up with a striking but quite short and slim young woman. They got
on famously and ended up in bed.

The next morning she told him she was a jockey and that if he came to
the races at Ascot that day, she'd tip him the winner of each race she
was riding in by giving him a sign as she rode out of the saddling paddock.

In Race 2, she rode out rubbing both her boobs. The bloke looked through the
race book and found 'Two Abreast' on which he placed $100 at 5-1. It won by two lengths.

In Race 4 she rode out rubbing her fingers round her eyes. He put the lot on
'Eyeliner' at 10-1 and was then $5000 in front.

In the last race she came out standing up in the stirrups and rubbing
her growler. He backed nothing.

After the races, he met up with her and thanked her for the winners in
races 2 and 4. 'What about 'Itchy Mickey' in the sixth?', she asked. 'It paid a fortune?'
'Sh*t', he said, 'I thought you were telling me the c*nt was scratched!'

[f0xxee]

Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers.

He went to the emergency room in Cork 's hospital.

The doctor looked at Paddy and said, 'Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'.

Paddy said,

'Oi haven't got da fingers.'

'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers?

Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2008!

We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques.

I could have put dem back on and made you like new!

Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?'

And Paddy said,

' How da fock was I 'spose to pick them up !!!

[whore]

During the troubles in Ireland, when there was still army checkpoints along the border. There was an old man that used to pass through the checkpoint between Dundalk and Newry on a daily basis.

Everyday like clockwork, he would pass through the checkpoint, manned by british soldiers, pushing a wheel barrow with a blanket over it and everyday the british soldiers would stop him, and check under the blanket of the wheel barrow and every time they checked under the blanket, there was nothing in the wheel barrow.

This went on for six months. The old man passing through the checkpoint, being stopped by the very suspicious soldiers, checking under the blanket of the empty wheel barrow, until one day a young brave british soldier confronted the old man and asked about what he was doing, and the old man replied, am smuggling wheel barrows.

[daveduke007]

An Australian Farmer is walking down the road with a Sheep under each arm

His mate approaches him and inquires "Are you Shearing mate?"

"No way, I'm fucking them both" came the reply

[whore]

That joke was funnier the first time you posted it Dave

Still a good one though

[daveduke007]

They have just had to cancel the next Xmas Panto "Jack and the Beanstalk" in Bradford because the Giant can't smell any Englishmen

[seanbeag7]

A man walks into a public bathroom and begins using one of the urinals. He looks to his left and sees a very short man peeing also. Suddenly, the short man looks up at the taller man, and the taller man is completely embarassed about staring at the smaller man's penis.

"Sorry," says the taller man. "I'm not gay or anything, but you have the longest penis I've ever seen, especially on a man so small!"

"Well," says the Leprechan, "That's because I'm a Leprechan! ALL Leprechans have penises this size!"

The taller man says, "Incredible! I'd give anything if mine were that long."

"Well, what with me being a Leprechan and all, I can give you your wish! If you let me take you into that stall over there and screw you, I'll give you your wish!"

"Gee," says the man, "I don't know about that----aw hell with it, OK!"

Soon, the Leprechan is behind the taller man, just humping away. "Say," says the Leprechan, "How old are you, son?"

Finding it difficult to turn with the Leprechan humping him so ferociously, the tall man says over his shoulder, "Uh-Uh, Thirty-two..."

"Imaging that, " says the little man, "Thirty-two and still believes in Leprechans!"