My favorite irish/Aussie/Pommy/Kiwi Joke

[pacman]

One summer afternoon, Father O'Brien was out walking through the woodlands when he heard a plaintive cry.

Looking for the source of this sad voice, he came across a little frog.

"My goodness, are you alright?" he asked of the little frog.

"Please help me" said the frog "I have been imprisoned to spend the rest of my life like this & only the love of a good person can release me."

"Worry not" replied the priest, & he stooped down to pick up the frog & placed him in his jacket.

That night he put the frog in his bed, ever so carefully tucking the sheet around him.

The next morning, lo & behold, it was a miracle. The little frog had transformed into a beautiful 12 year old curly haired boy.

And that your honour is the case for the defence.

[pacman]

The lesson was going well. Emboldened by the students grasp of the subject matter "syllables", the young teacher pressed on.

"Now class, who can give me a word with 3 syllables?" she asked.

Little Johnny immediately had his hand up. All round the room were confused faces as the teacher looked for someone, anyone to ask other than Johnny.

Finally she turned to Johnny "I hope your answer is suitable Johnny, I only want a word that may be found in the dictionary."

"Yes Miss, my word is 'urinate'."

After the class stopped giggling, the teacher asked "OK Johnny, now can you use that word in a sentence?"

"Yes Miss, my dad says urinate... but if you had big tits, you'd be a 10"

[f0xxee]

Ah little Johny jokes... my favorite genre! Nice one Paccie!

[f0xxee]

A "Little Rangi" joke for the bro's across the ditch in New Zeland... (Can someone read this to them please)

A class discussion on religion is in session.

Teacher: "Can anyone tell me what's a Hindu?"

Little Rangi: "Lays eggs Miss!"

[jimslim]

In a bid to combat the recent water shortages Dublin City Council have announced they are closing two lanes in the local swimming pool .

[Lefty]

An Aussie fellow was hanging out with his girlfriend one afternoon, drinking beer.

After some time had passed and a few beers consumed, he asked her if she wanted to fight.

She said she couldn't fight today because she was on her period.

Period? The Aussie asked, what's a period??

She said, you know, it's my time of the month.

Time of the month? What do you mean, time of the month??

She said, surely you know what I mean, it's my menstrual cycle.

Menstrual cycle? He asked, what's a menstrual cycle??

She pointed down toward her nether regions and said, you know, I'm bleeding, down there.

You're bleeding down there? He asked with a surprised tone in his voice. He said, you'd better let me have a look.

So she drops trow and panties. The Aussie takes a look and exclaims, yee gads no wonder you're bleeding, they've cut off your dick!!

[Lefty]

A Swedish fellow named Ole Olson was getting married to his long time girlfriend, Lena. His best friend since childhood, Sven Svenson was his best man.

After the wedding, there was a big party in the ballroom of the hotel and Ole had a great time at the party and after getting rip roaring drunk he staggered upstairs to the honeymoon suite to look for Lena who seemed to have disappeared from the party. He opens the door and looks in, only to see Sven on top of Lena and they are fucking madly. Ole quietly closes the door so as not to disturb them, goes back down to the party. He gathers a group of friends from the party and asks them to follow him up to the honeymoon suite, because he wants to show them something.

When they arrive, Ole quietly opens the doors and says, look at that, pointing toward Sven and Lena still in the throes of passionate sex. His friends all begin to tell Ole, oh you're just drunk Ole, there really isn't anything going on, you're just seeing things.


Ole replies, drunk? You think I'm the one that's drunk?? Look at Sven, yumping yiminy, he thinks he's me!!

[batman4ever]

yesterday a two seated cesna airplane crashed in a graveyard near dublin...

the police reports that so far they have discovered 57 bodies...but they are still dicking up more.....

[f0xxee]

THE HORTH WHITHPERER

(Read it out loud for best effect, although possibly not if you are in a net cafe.)



A guy calls his buddy, the horse breeder, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'

'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'

So, the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

'A female horth.'

So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'

So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'

Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf's head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?'

[seanbeag7]

[pacman]

    I haven't heard that one in years & it still cracks me up...      

I remembered some more little Johnny jokes but they don't lend themselves to the written word. I will see what others I can find.

[seanbeag7]

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mum, if someone gave you a million pounds, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would," she replies.
He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million pounds, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million quid, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."

[seanbeag7]

A petty thief, a teacher and a lawyer die in a plane crash and go up to Heaven's gates together.
When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who says: "Sorry, it's crowded up here, you need to answer a question correctly, or else you can't get in."
He looks at the teacher, and asks her: "What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?"
"Oh, that's easy," the teacher replies, "the Titanic."
So St. Peter lets her into Heaven.
Next he turns to the petty thief.
"How many people died on that ship?" St. Peter asks.
"Oooh, that's tough, but I saw the movie, and I think it was 1,500."
St. Peter steps away and the thief walks into Heaven.
Finally, St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says: "Name them."

[seanbeag7]

Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice on.

[seanbeag7]

An Paddy Irishman, Paddy Englishman and Paddy Scotsman were playing Russian roulette.

Paddy Englishman used a gun with six chambers and no bullets;

Paddy Scotsman used a gun with six chambers and one bullet;

Paddy Irishman used a gun with six chambers and six bullets - but he put The gun to Paddy Englishman's head.