My favorite irish/Aussie/Pommy/Kiwi Joke

[f0xxee]

My email inbox has had a spurt of Aussie jokes of late, mostly from Kiwis and Poms reminding me that Australia's golden days of sports would seem to be over. At least tempoarily.

SO:

Lets be having them. With plenty of Irish/English and other witty notables on here there should be a few quality jokes to be found.

Let me start with my favorite Irish joke of all time:

Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal Irish community. After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while.


So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian, since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village. The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow, that was having difficulty breeding, with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax.


So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.


So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested. After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel.


They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.


When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said: 'And that, me son, is how ya waves a feckin' towel!'

[seanbeag7]

Nice one, this has to be a Kerry-man joke.

[seanbeag7]

Here is one of my favourite ones.

A society lady runs into the employment office one day and demands a maid "right now". It seems she's having a dinner party that night and her maid quit. The guy in the agency explains that all the girls he has right now have just gotten off the boat from Ireland.

They're untrained. The lady says she'll train the girl but needs someone right away. The agency guy asks for volunteers and Molly comes forward. She agrees to go and be trained. Well, the dinner party comes and goes and works out just fine. Molly does a great job.

The next morning, the lady's walking down the upstairs hall and sees Molly in one of the guest rooms. Looks like she's making the bed but she's just standing there. Curious, the woman walks in and looks over Molly's shoulder. There on the bed lies a condom.

The lady turns bright red and tries to laugh it off. "Why Molly," she says, "Surely you have those in Ireland, don't you?" Molly: "Shurin we do madam, but we don't skin em."

[seanbeag7]

I pissed myself when i first heard this one.

Murphy dropped dead the moment he arrived home from a vacation in the tropics. He was laid out in the coffin for friends and neighbours to pay their last respects.

"He's got a great tan," Mrs Doolan from next door mused. "The holiday did him the world of good." "And he looks so calm and serene," said Mrs McGuiness. "That's because he died in his sleep." explained Mrs Murphy, "and he doesn't know he's dead yet, but when he wakes up, the shock will kill him!"

[seanbeag7]

Here are a few more.

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malloy twins are drunk again."

[f0xxee]

The O'Malloy twins is definately a keeper!

Thanks Seanbeag!

[whore]

The most commonly used chat up line in the west of Ireland is "ah sure we're all cousins really"

[seanbeag7]

I am trying to find the good lod irish jokes, that me and my friends used to tell each other.

and thanks foxee, i am glad you like some of those jokes.

[seanbeag7]

Here is a piece from a paper here, about a group of robbers who fucked up big-time.

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the internal security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found Only a bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio-tape system, one said, "At least we'll get a bit to eat,"

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all the safes were opened.

They found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.

The newspaper headline read:

IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING.

[seanbeag7]

I love this one:

3 men board a plane. They are Italian, Spanish, and Irish. They fly over to Italy, and drop a bottle. They fly to Spain, and drop a bottle. They fly to Ireland and drop a bomb. They back to Italy and they see a little boy crying. "Little boy why are you crying" they ask. "Because my daddy got hit in the head with a beer bottle" They fly to Spain and they see a little girl crying. "Little girl why are you crying" they ask. "Because my mommy got hit in the head with a beer bottle". They fly to Ireland and see a little boy laughing hysterically. "Little boy why are you laughing" they ask. "Because my daddy farted and blew up the house"

[seanbeag7]

If you got a sense of humour, you should enjoy this one.

This was sent to me thru my e-mail.

Even God Enjoys A Good Laugh

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus could have been Black:

1. He called everyone "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Fathers business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus could have been Italian:

1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus could have been a Californian:

1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus could have been Irish:

1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus could have been a woman:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it..
3. And even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work to do.

[seanbeag7]

Taking a wee break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drives his new Buick Rendezvous into an Irish gas station. An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is, "Top o' the morning to ya". As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket. "So what are those thing my, son?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replied Tiger.

"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquired the Irishman.

"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.

"Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaimed the Irish attendant. "Those fellas working for Buick think of everything!"

[anthony70]

irish fella, pissed off with getting cheese sandwiches for work everyday, says to his work mates, "if i get fuckin cheese again tomorow, thats it, im jumping off this building".
opens his lunchbox.
cheese again.

at the funeral, his mates told his wife he was pissed off with the same sandwiches everyday,
she said, "thats strange, he fuckin made them himself.!"

[whore]

Good one

A priest doing rounds in a Northern Ireland prison in the 1960's. The first inmate he meets is a prodestant. The priest asked him, what are you in for. The inmate tells the priest, he stole a bus and ran over 10 catholics and killed them. The priest asked how did you get and the inmate replied, 3 months.

The next inmate he met was another prodestant, and the priest asked him what are you in for, and the inmate explained, he stole a machine gun and killed 20 catholics. The priest then asked, how long did you get and the inmate replied, I got 6 months.

The next inmate he met was a catholic, and the priest asked what are you in for, and the catholic man said he was caught riding his bike without a light. Then the priest asked how long did you get, and the catholic man replied, I got 20 years but I was lucky, I would of got 40 years only for they caught me during the daytime.

[f0xxee]

Blind Golfers

A Catholic priest, an Indian Doctor, a Rich Chinese business man and an Aussie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.
The Aussie fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes"
The Indian doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf"
The Chinese business man called out, "Move it, Time is money".
The Catholic priest said "Here comes George the greens keeper. Lets have a word with him.. " Hello, George what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they" George the greens keeper replied, "Of yes that's a group of blind firemen.  They lost their sight in an explosion while saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime".

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic priest said, "That's so sad I think I'll say a special prayer for them tonight".

The Indian Doctor said "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleagues and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The Chinese Business man replied, "I think I'll donate £50,000 to the Fire Brigade in honour of these brave souls"!.

The Aussie said "Why can't they fucking play at night?"