The jokes thread...

[mirimark]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up
and
saw a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading
straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or
vacation?"


She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual
Nymphomaniac Convention
in Chicago"

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting
next
to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your
business role
at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of
the popular myths
about sexuality."

"Really! " he said, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that American men are
the most well-endowed
when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess
that
trait.

Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it
is
the men of Jewish descent.

We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the
Southern
redneck."

Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. I'm sorry,"
she said,
"I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your
name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me
Bubba."

[Guest]

A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining", he said to his wife. "No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them.

"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing." As the official approached, the man said "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?" "It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on.

But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!", to which the man quietly replied, "Rudolph the Red, knows rain, dear."

[Randyman]

Norman and his blonde wife live in Calgary. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's
wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again. The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio
announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 centimeters of snow today. You must park........... "then the electric power goes out. Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplow can get through?" With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"


randyman

[Guest]

British Hospitality


An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.

After a while, he finds himself in a very high class neighborhood - big, stately residences, no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all ...NO PUBLIC TOILETS!

He really, really had to go, after all those Guinness. He finally finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London copper, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public toilet."

"Ah, yes," said the copper . "Just follow me". He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the copper. "Piss away, sir, anywhere you want."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the copper, "That was really decent of you ...is that what you call "British hospitality?"




"No sir," the copper replied. "It's what we call 'The French Embassy'."

[Randyman]

Subject: The Marine and the Insurgent

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Faluijiah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.

On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each o ther and both took cover in the ditches along the road. "I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable, lowlife scumbag, and he yelled back that Senator Ted Kennedy is a good-for-nothing, fat, left wing liberal drunk. So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean spirited lesbian!" He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Mrs. Clinton!"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us"

[Randyman]

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2..00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? (My sentiments exactly)
3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?
5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader
of the Christian f aith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters
6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
12 If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys
deranged, models deposed, tree surgeon debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me .....they're cramming for the final exam.
17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?
18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
19 If it's true that we are here to help others, then what
exactly are the others here for?
20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
24. As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?

Randyman

[katoeylover]

what's worse than your doctor telling you that you got syphilis?

your dentist telling you.....

[Guest]

Mirimark's gorilla joke reminds me of another one...

A woman hears quite a noise and runs outside to see a gorilla jumping up and down on her roof. She calls City Services and 30 minutes later an old man driving an old pick up arrives in front of her house. He gets out with a long pole, a large net, a scroungy looking dog and a shot gun. The lady asks him what he was going to do. He said that the gorilla's name was Koko and that he escapes from the zoo about once a year and that he was going to climb up on the roof and use the pole to push him off and while his specially trained canine held Koko by the testicles, he'd get a net on him and get him back to the zoo. The lady asks, well, what about the shot gun? In a much higher pitch to his voice, the old man says, That's for you to hold...if that gorilla knocks me off the roof, you shoot that sorry sunnabiching dog before I hit the ground!

[Tomcat]

How to spot a Multi- Millionaire......

[Tomcat]

another very obviously Rich Chap

[mirimark]

A Blonde girl is walking through a wooded area when she comes upon a River. The Blonde stops and Looks around, then she sees another Blonde on the other side of the river. The Blonde Yells over to the other BLonde, " Hey, how do I get to the other side of the River? "
The other BLonde Looks up the river, then she Looks down the river. Then she Yells back;
" You are on the other side of the river. "

[mirimark]

[Tomcat]

A Cold Winters Night...........................

Chap indoors with his wife watching TV.

he says " thats it!, im going down to the Town for a few beers, put your coat on ".

she says " are you taking me out then Ron"

he says " No, im turning the heating off before i go

[Guest]

Western Union says no more telegrams

This is a true story:
George Bernard Shaw sent Winston Churchill a telegram inviting him and a friend if he could find one to his opening show in London. Winston's reply

Sorry, cannot make the opening show, will be able to attend the next show if there is one!

Just love that friendship incher

[mirimark]

Twelve priests were about to be ordained.

The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a
garden
while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that
anyone
whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because
he
had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She
proceeded
down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the
final
priest, Carlos.

Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off,
clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.

Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest and bent
over
to pick it up.

Then all the other bells started to ring....