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I harvested this funny fictional set of posts from another website...
Those of you who live here will find this pretty much on the nose and hopefully amusing.
OK. Location Soi Skanky Pussy with a capacity for 70 punters that does not serve food and only beer withn a happy hour from 12-8pm. Dave from Essex in his 50's and his new girlfriend Aor aged 22 have just purchased the gaff and think its a good investment. Aor celebrates her new found business status by getting a nice tattoo on her left tit. Dave has his first Leo at 7am, sat at the bar on his first day contemplating a name change from the 'Tiger Bar'.
At 10 pm hentaijohn staggers in and barfines Aor who's only too happy to earn a bit on the side as Daves sound asleep slumped over a table in the corner. If he wakes up and asks where she is the girls will tell him she had to go visit her brother.
With a sudden flash of inspiration, dave settles his beer on the bar - "i've got it -we'll call it the Bar-Bar, heh, heh, heh - that'll get the punters rolling in". To celebrate, Dave dives into yet more of his stock, unaware that this latest business venture could be the worst move of his life. Not only has dave bought a bar in the middle of 1000 other bars, his better half is planning to rob it from under his nose with hubby as we speak. Dave sup's his beer, a content look on his fairly fresh face - poor bastard.
Aor returns from the tatooist at 2pm that afternoon to find a drunken Dave and only 2 customers, Jason and Kev from Doncaster, Daves new best mates. They suggest Dave should rename the bar 'The Doncaster Rovers Bar'. Aor is having none of it and has decided to call it 'Aor's Place'. Dave has to get his act together that afternoon and go to buy CDs for the bar music. Aor says he had better not come back without 'Hotel California' or shit will hit the fan. Dave trundles off, Jason and Kev are pissed now and ask Aor if she is up for it and ask for a freebie. This give s Aor an idea - any successful bar needs GIRLS!
Aor has to interview two ladies from Buriram, Apple and Pie. Apple and Pie worked at Suck Me Agogo though get sacked for turning up late, pissed and on yabba. Aor offers them a job and that they will get 20baht out of any 300baht bar fine and will get only 10baht for lady drinks. Apple and Pie have no choice but to accept. Jason has foked off for a 'short time' so Kev makes his move on Apple who says she has 'never worked bar before' and that she is a Thai-Chinese university educated office worker and this is only her friend Aor's bar. Kev wants to take her to lunch and cannot understand why he has to give Aor 300baht on top of his drinks bill.
Pie decides its time for somtam so any new customers in the bar can fokin wait for their drinks while she finishes her food and talks on her mobile. Duncan a TEFLer on hs bi-monthly visit to Pattaya to spend his 18,000b salary asks for service in a polite manner. Pie sees a victim in the making, flashing her eyelids and making sure a nice boy like Duncan from Woking does'nt see that dragon tattoo on her back. Duncan is smitten with a niice single girl like Pie who works as a 'cashier' and asks her out that evening. Pie states she needs 300baht so she can by a phone card to call her mother to say she will be back late. Duncan gives her the money and she goes in the back to buy the 'phone card' from Aor.
She returns to say the phone card does'nt work and she has lost 300baht. They leave and Duncan is so happy to be with Pie he buys her another card and tells her to keep the money and call her mother. Duncan does'nt speak Thai though Pie's English is very good. Pie calls her 'mother' speaking in Thai, Pies motocyce boyfriend Nut answers.....
Duncan has fallen in love and has decided to move to Pattaya to be with Pie though he needs to get a TEFL job to sustain her taste for yabba. First he must get a room though can't understand why he can't move in with Pie. He finds a 2,000b pm room on Soi Shithouse that he can just about afford and has an interview at Golf and Jays Language school tomorrow.....
Typical bar conversation between two expat teachers...
"I love it here, this place is paradise, innit Wayne?"
"Yeah mate you can do anything you want and the girls are fucking fit, ain't they?"
"That one over there's only been workin' 'ere a couple o' days, just come dahhn from Norf-east"
"These girls are well innocent you know, I reckon we're the first generation of blokes here to corrupt 'em hahahahaha"
"Alright mate, where you from then?"
"Moss side"
"You live 'ere then?"
"Yeah, six years already, live down Eakmongkol Village 3" (a popular housing ghetto for cheap farang married to tattoo-ed bargirls on Soi Kao talo)
"You come 'ere every night then?, cos I bloody would! hahahahahaha"
And so on.
Dave has had a good week and decides it is time to expand the bar by buying Scottish Donny's bar that is next door. Donny's Place has been in existence for 6 months though he needs to sell up due to partnership difficulties with his long term partner (1 yr), Em. Kev from Doncaster said it would be a good idea to turn the gaff into a gogo as "this is the way to go ' in Pattaya. Aor thinks its a great idea and they should pay 2m baht for the place as Dave has money still left from when his mother died. Lots of renovation work will need to be done though Aor's sister Wan knows a "well respected" bricklayer, Crispin, who can get the job sorted......
Peter is a retired postal worker from Grimsby. A long term Pattaya resident he is quite willing to prop a bar up and dispense his unlimited knowledge of all things Thai to anyone within earshot. Any opinion contrary to his own is met with a condescending and patronising smile. What Peter has never told anybody is the fact that he lost a house, a car and his entire life savings to an ex hooker from Si Saket and her entire worthless family after setting them up in a "business" Plus it turned out that his wifes "brother" was in fact her husband. A fact he only became aware of after he returned from a trip to the local town early after buying his copy of the Bangkok Post and found her fucking her "brother" on the living room floor.
Peter's son, Crispin the Brickie has recently moved his Thai-Chinese university educated girlfriend, Pim into his place. peter is a bit concerned for Crispin because everytime her phone rings she goes outside to take the call. Pim left her phone on the side one day so Peter checked the incoming numbers with many coming from Germany.......
Peter told Crispin of his fears so Crispin had a word with Pim in the bar one night. Pim flew into hysterics
"Don't you trust me! Fuck you!"
and stormed out.
Crispin chases her to apologise for his distrust. After a kiss and a cuddle he gives Pim 10000 baht to do a bit of shopping and treat herself. Pim jams the money into her handbag without so much as a thank you (mainly because she was hoping for 20 grand). Crispin believes that not saying "thank you" is a part of Thai culture and not the fact that she's a rude grabbing bitch.
Pim proceeds to grab a motorcycle taxi to her unemployed "on the side" Thai boyfriends house and gives him the money to play cards with his mates. He's already into the loan sharks for 500k baht due to his gambling and is in danger of losing his knee caps.
Pim then uses her phone to call a guy in Germany
"Hi Teerak. I miss you mak mak. Sorry Teerak but that ATM card you promised me hasn't arrived yet. Can you check with DHL where it is honey? Come see me soon. Love you" and hangs up.
Meanwhile, back at Aor's Place Dave is sat with Pie pouring his heart out about Aor spending alot of money and how he suspects her of shagging Jason and Kev on the side. The bar is empty, business is shite and he has just spent out on a new condo at View Talay. Pie feels sorry for Dave and as the bar is empty she gives him a complimentary blow job. Duncan has finished teaching at the language school early and goes to the bar to see his beloved Pie....and catches her sucking Dave off.....
Meanwhile Aor has a visit from her son from Surin, Pork Chop. Pork chop is on his school holidays and is looking forward to meeting his new farang Papa, Dave. Pork Chop is on his 8th bowl of noodles for the day and is crying because Aor won't buy him a Spider Man outfit. Pork Chop has a strop and kicks Aor who in return kisses him and wipes his nose whilst tucking his shirt in. Pork Chop is 16 years old.
"Son Pork Chop need money to school," Aor tells Dave. "And he go see sick Auntie who need money in hospital."
Dave reaches into his pocket and realizes that he doesn't have any more money.
"Goddammit...sell that sick buffalo that I gave you 30,000 baht for last month. Use that money for Pork Fat and Auntie."
Dave stomps behind the bar, opens a new bottle of JW Red and tips it up.
And on it goes...
Those of you who live here will find this pretty much on the nose and hopefully amusing.
OK. Location Soi Skanky Pussy with a capacity for 70 punters that does not serve food and only beer withn a happy hour from 12-8pm. Dave from Essex in his 50's and his new girlfriend Aor aged 22 have just purchased the gaff and think its a good investment. Aor celebrates her new found business status by getting a nice tattoo on her left tit. Dave has his first Leo at 7am, sat at the bar on his first day contemplating a name change from the 'Tiger Bar'.
At 10 pm hentaijohn staggers in and barfines Aor who's only too happy to earn a bit on the side as Daves sound asleep slumped over a table in the corner. If he wakes up and asks where she is the girls will tell him she had to go visit her brother.
With a sudden flash of inspiration, dave settles his beer on the bar - "i've got it -we'll call it the Bar-Bar, heh, heh, heh - that'll get the punters rolling in". To celebrate, Dave dives into yet more of his stock, unaware that this latest business venture could be the worst move of his life. Not only has dave bought a bar in the middle of 1000 other bars, his better half is planning to rob it from under his nose with hubby as we speak. Dave sup's his beer, a content look on his fairly fresh face - poor bastard.
Aor returns from the tatooist at 2pm that afternoon to find a drunken Dave and only 2 customers, Jason and Kev from Doncaster, Daves new best mates. They suggest Dave should rename the bar 'The Doncaster Rovers Bar'. Aor is having none of it and has decided to call it 'Aor's Place'. Dave has to get his act together that afternoon and go to buy CDs for the bar music. Aor says he had better not come back without 'Hotel California' or shit will hit the fan. Dave trundles off, Jason and Kev are pissed now and ask Aor if she is up for it and ask for a freebie. This give s Aor an idea - any successful bar needs GIRLS!
Aor has to interview two ladies from Buriram, Apple and Pie. Apple and Pie worked at Suck Me Agogo though get sacked for turning up late, pissed and on yabba. Aor offers them a job and that they will get 20baht out of any 300baht bar fine and will get only 10baht for lady drinks. Apple and Pie have no choice but to accept. Jason has foked off for a 'short time' so Kev makes his move on Apple who says she has 'never worked bar before' and that she is a Thai-Chinese university educated office worker and this is only her friend Aor's bar. Kev wants to take her to lunch and cannot understand why he has to give Aor 300baht on top of his drinks bill.
Pie decides its time for somtam so any new customers in the bar can fokin wait for their drinks while she finishes her food and talks on her mobile. Duncan a TEFLer on hs bi-monthly visit to Pattaya to spend his 18,000b salary asks for service in a polite manner. Pie sees a victim in the making, flashing her eyelids and making sure a nice boy like Duncan from Woking does'nt see that dragon tattoo on her back. Duncan is smitten with a niice single girl like Pie who works as a 'cashier' and asks her out that evening. Pie states she needs 300baht so she can by a phone card to call her mother to say she will be back late. Duncan gives her the money and she goes in the back to buy the 'phone card' from Aor.
She returns to say the phone card does'nt work and she has lost 300baht. They leave and Duncan is so happy to be with Pie he buys her another card and tells her to keep the money and call her mother. Duncan does'nt speak Thai though Pie's English is very good. Pie calls her 'mother' speaking in Thai, Pies motocyce boyfriend Nut answers.....
Duncan has fallen in love and has decided to move to Pattaya to be with Pie though he needs to get a TEFL job to sustain her taste for yabba. First he must get a room though can't understand why he can't move in with Pie. He finds a 2,000b pm room on Soi Shithouse that he can just about afford and has an interview at Golf and Jays Language school tomorrow.....
Typical bar conversation between two expat teachers...
"I love it here, this place is paradise, innit Wayne?"
"Yeah mate you can do anything you want and the girls are fucking fit, ain't they?"
"That one over there's only been workin' 'ere a couple o' days, just come dahhn from Norf-east"
"These girls are well innocent you know, I reckon we're the first generation of blokes here to corrupt 'em hahahahaha"
"Alright mate, where you from then?"
"Moss side"
"You live 'ere then?"
"Yeah, six years already, live down Eakmongkol Village 3" (a popular housing ghetto for cheap farang married to tattoo-ed bargirls on Soi Kao talo)
"You come 'ere every night then?, cos I bloody would! hahahahahaha"
And so on.
Dave has had a good week and decides it is time to expand the bar by buying Scottish Donny's bar that is next door. Donny's Place has been in existence for 6 months though he needs to sell up due to partnership difficulties with his long term partner (1 yr), Em. Kev from Doncaster said it would be a good idea to turn the gaff into a gogo as "this is the way to go ' in Pattaya. Aor thinks its a great idea and they should pay 2m baht for the place as Dave has money still left from when his mother died. Lots of renovation work will need to be done though Aor's sister Wan knows a "well respected" bricklayer, Crispin, who can get the job sorted......
Peter is a retired postal worker from Grimsby. A long term Pattaya resident he is quite willing to prop a bar up and dispense his unlimited knowledge of all things Thai to anyone within earshot. Any opinion contrary to his own is met with a condescending and patronising smile. What Peter has never told anybody is the fact that he lost a house, a car and his entire life savings to an ex hooker from Si Saket and her entire worthless family after setting them up in a "business" Plus it turned out that his wifes "brother" was in fact her husband. A fact he only became aware of after he returned from a trip to the local town early after buying his copy of the Bangkok Post and found her fucking her "brother" on the living room floor.
Peter's son, Crispin the Brickie has recently moved his Thai-Chinese university educated girlfriend, Pim into his place. peter is a bit concerned for Crispin because everytime her phone rings she goes outside to take the call. Pim left her phone on the side one day so Peter checked the incoming numbers with many coming from Germany.......
Peter told Crispin of his fears so Crispin had a word with Pim in the bar one night. Pim flew into hysterics
"Don't you trust me! Fuck you!"
and stormed out.
Crispin chases her to apologise for his distrust. After a kiss and a cuddle he gives Pim 10000 baht to do a bit of shopping and treat herself. Pim jams the money into her handbag without so much as a thank you (mainly because she was hoping for 20 grand). Crispin believes that not saying "thank you" is a part of Thai culture and not the fact that she's a rude grabbing bitch.
Pim proceeds to grab a motorcycle taxi to her unemployed "on the side" Thai boyfriends house and gives him the money to play cards with his mates. He's already into the loan sharks for 500k baht due to his gambling and is in danger of losing his knee caps.
Pim then uses her phone to call a guy in Germany
"Hi Teerak. I miss you mak mak. Sorry Teerak but that ATM card you promised me hasn't arrived yet. Can you check with DHL where it is honey? Come see me soon. Love you" and hangs up.
Meanwhile, back at Aor's Place Dave is sat with Pie pouring his heart out about Aor spending alot of money and how he suspects her of shagging Jason and Kev on the side. The bar is empty, business is shite and he has just spent out on a new condo at View Talay. Pie feels sorry for Dave and as the bar is empty she gives him a complimentary blow job. Duncan has finished teaching at the language school early and goes to the bar to see his beloved Pie....and catches her sucking Dave off.....
Meanwhile Aor has a visit from her son from Surin, Pork Chop. Pork chop is on his school holidays and is looking forward to meeting his new farang Papa, Dave. Pork Chop is on his 8th bowl of noodles for the day and is crying because Aor won't buy him a Spider Man outfit. Pork Chop has a strop and kicks Aor who in return kisses him and wipes his nose whilst tucking his shirt in. Pork Chop is 16 years old.
"Son Pork Chop need money to school," Aor tells Dave. "And he go see sick Auntie who need money in hospital."
Dave reaches into his pocket and realizes that he doesn't have any more money.
"Goddammit...sell that sick buffalo that I gave you 30,000 baht for last month. Use that money for Pork Fat and Auntie."
Dave stomps behind the bar, opens a new bottle of JW Red and tips it up.
And on it goes...
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