Worst opening sentence for a book

[f0xxee]

Every year the Times Literary Supplement has a competition for the very worst opening paragraph received from Publishers around the world. Some are so truly bad they are brilliant.

I am not sure if this will fly or die, but I think a little competition here from the likes of TC, Lefty, Kahuna, Guy, Bumpa, BB, Paccers, jaiDee Whore and the other "Glitterati" would be interesting.

The competition:

Write the worst possible opening sentence of a book you can imagine. Mangle syntax and mix metaphors. Be cheesy. Make other readers wince.

My entry:

"With granite gray eyes and stoney countenance there was no doubt Dirk Chisel was a chip off the old block"

(Inspired by the dreadful writing of Clive Cussler.)

[Grinder]

The butler did it.

[f0xxee]

yeah... that would kind of kill the following 300 odd pages wouldn't it!

[Grinder]

Yes mate - like comedian Peter Kay on his old job as a cinema ticket collector for The Sixth Sesne. "Thanks very much, enjoy the movie. You'll never guess Bruce Willis is dead."

[Bumpa STIKKA]

"When I had scraped off the last of the radioactive waste I realized I had super powers and life would never be the same again."

[f0xxee]

Tell that to the happy campers at #4 Generation Plant Chernobyl.

Thank you Bumpa!

[seamus]

"She slipped her hand into My pants, played with My penis for a while & then grabbed My balls" She then said "what are these for" I said "Four"

[guydesavoy]

I woke up in a pool of my own urine and wet faeces and realised that this kind of trouble had just begun...

[f0xxee]

(guydesavoy @ Jun. 14 2010,16:11) I woke up in a pool of my own urine and wet faeces and realised that this kind of trouble had just begun...

What's the working title for the book GDS?

"My life as an OAP"?

"Shits and Giggles"?

"A newbie trip report... LOS day 3"?

[guydesavoy]

(f0xxee @ Jun. 14 2010,16:51) What's the working title for the book GDS?

"The Day the Music Died" . Or maybe a self-help book titled "Just Let Go !" 

[JaiDee]

"As I took out my bible and began to pray loudly at the entrance to Nana Plaza in my pure white missionary shirt and khaki pants, I knew it would be a long, uphill battle convincing all of those heathen souls to convert to the Lord''

[guydesavoy]

No way I'm gonna read that one

[JaiDee]

Exactly, I was trying to give FOxee just what he asked for!!


I've seen those asswipes screaming at the top of their lungs while I am trying to enjoy a beer at Big Dogs; extremely frustrating

[f0xxee]

I am surprised they survived. Truly the lord works in mysterious ways.

[pacman]

My efforts at writing an opening sentence all sound a bit lame.

But here's my opening paragraph with mixed metaphors & all -

My cock was as hard as a spinster's kiss. The lovemaking began with sweet words flowing like a broken lavatory. Silken comments like "you have a big cock", "you handsome man" "that's it, that's it" & "don't stop, don't stop, I'm gunna come" were being shouted around the room like a druggie screaming at his pusher having a two-for-one sale. Finally I collapsed spent & lay there like a flattened wombat after it had been run over by a fully laden Haulpack. The energy slowly returned to my shivering body as I thought to myself "that is absolutely the last time I make love without having someone join me".