My favorite irish/Aussie/Pommy/Kiwi Joke

[seanbeag7]

I was depressed last night so I called the Samaritans.
Got a call centre in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

[seanbeag7]

Three men were walking on the beach, and they found a magic lantern. When the youngest of the trio picked it up, and rubbed it to get a look at the finish, a genie materialized, and granted each of them one wish.

The first young man asked that his network be increased 100 fold.

The genie nodded, and said, "Done. You will get a call from your broker tomorrow."

The second young man asked to be twice as attractive as he was. The genie looked startled for a second, and then nodded. Before their very eyes, the young man's features changed into a appearance that could land him a spot as a leading man in the movies.

The third young man asked to have his innate intelligence doubled. The genie was quiet a second, and then asked him to reconsider his request. The third young man was adamant, so the genie nodded his head, and the third young man was then changed into a woman.

[Ivor Biggun]

Tommy Cooper still works for me:

Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age.' The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well.'
A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'
The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.

A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'.
The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'.

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind',
so he gave me a kite.

I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for 'flu.
So I went, and I got it.'

I was in the attic the other day with the wife. Damp and dusty.........but she's great with the kids!

[allstar88]

whats pink and goes round and round?
stephen gatley`s suitcase at palma airport  

[Socrates999]

2 Aussies out hunting. Suddenly, one cries out, clutches at his heart and falls to the ground, where he lies in complete silence.

The other one calls emergency, frantically yelling "My partner just fell over and I think he might be dead."

Being a professional, the operator says, in a slow, soothing, calming voice "OK sir. Settle down. Everything will be alright. The first thing we have to do is make sure he's dead".

The operator hears the man put the phone on the ground and a moment later, hears a loud gunshot. The guy comes back to the phone and breathlessly asks...

"OK. What do we do next?"

[f0xxee]

A Kiwi Joke...

A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy. All the
Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another
Australian visitor.

The barman says, 'You ain't from around here, are ya?'

The guy says, 'No, I'm from Canada.'

The bartender says, 'What do you do in Canada?'

The guy says, 'I'm a taxidermist.'

The bartender says, 'A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist?

Do you drive a tixi?'

'No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals.'

The bartender grins and yells,

'He's okay boys. He's one of us.'

[alan1chef]

Good one. That's why they love sheep in Australia.

[f0xxee]

Huh???

Kiwis are from New Zealand you pillock.

[f0xxee]

Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a pretty receptionist standing at the office coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.


After a week of this she can't stand it anymore and takes her complaint to the Personnel Department and states she wants to lay a sexual harassment grievance against him.



The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks,



'What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?'







'It's Keith, the dwarf!'

[seanbeag7]

I like that one.

[f0xxee]

Aussie Joke du jour....

Grunta died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Steve and Parks.



The three men had always done everything together, Parks arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Parks said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over." The mortician rolled him over, and Parks said, "Nope, ain't Grunta."



The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Steve in to identify the body. Steve took a look at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Steve said, "No it ain't Grunta"


The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Steve said, "Well, Grunta had two assholes." "What? He had two assholes?!" said the mortician.

Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, "Here comes Grunta with them two assholes."

[Tomcat]

Ok

Ive decided to slot this in

they have a new easy version Cluedo in Zimbabwe... Col Mustard has been replaced by Robert Mugabe...

So now you only have to figure out what room and the weapon

[f0xxee]

A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'
Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.'


'What does that mean?' asked the child.
'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.'
He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.'
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash€¦..
Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'



The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'

[dessertmax]

Michael from Dublin was living in New York k and met this gorgeous fit looking Jewish bird. He wined and dined her and eventually managed to get the hot young thing into the sack.

He gets on top and enters her. But it is a total and utter disappointment, it is seriously like chucking a sausage down O'Connell Street and he cant keep his wood going.

He rolls off her and she says "hey what is wrong honey?"

Michael says: "I thought Jewish girls were meant to be tight"

"Yeah? and I thought Irish men were supposed to be thick".

[Harry Lime]

Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.

Mick says, "How you doin?"

"Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."
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Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters lying on the bed. (Continued below photo)