My favorite irish/Aussie/Pommy/Kiwi Joke

[pacman]

The quintessential Little Johnny joke -

"The word of the day class is beautiful" announced the teacher. "Can anyone give me a sentence with the word beautiful in it?"

Little Johnny had his arm up immediately but little Suzie, the teacher's pet, also had her hand up.

"Yes Suzie" asked the teacher, "what is your sentence?"

"Today I bought a beautiful apple to school for my teacher" replied Suzie.

"And so you did Suzie, thank you. Now... who can give me a sentence with the word beautiful used twice?"

This time only little Johnny frantically waved his arm.

"Is there anybody other then Johnny with a sentence?" she asked hopefully, looking around the room. "Well alright Johnny, what is your sentence?"

"Please Miss, last night my 14 year old sister said she's pregnant"

At this, the whole class erupted laughing.

"Please Johnny, you are supposed to be giving a sentence with the word beautiful used twice"

"Yes Miss" said little Johnny "then my dad, he said........'Beautiful..... fuckin' beautiful !!' "

[seanbeag7]

Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.

The first man said, "My Benny loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."

The second man said, "My Carl was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."

The third man said, "My Jim was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."

[seanbeag7]

A few people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, "My name is Larry, and I am a SNAG."

Another guy says, "What's that?"

The first guy says, "That means I am a Single, New Age Guy."

Another one says, "My name is Gary, and I am a DINK.

A girl asks, "What's that?"

He says, "That means I am a Double Income, No Kids."

A lady says, "That's nice. My name is Gertrude, and I am a WIFE."

Larry says, "A wife? What's a wife?"

She says, "That means, 'Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."

[seanbeag7]

Indoor golf

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.


2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.


3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.


4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.


5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.


6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.


7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.


8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played , or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.


9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.


10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.


11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.


12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.


13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.


14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.


15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

[seanbeag7]

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally naked, while a beautiful, big-breasted nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis. They were told that anyone whose bell rang when the nude model danced in front of them would not be ordained, because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest.

As she danced, one of the priest's bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, he took a few steps forward and bent over to pick up the bell...

Then all the other bells started to ring.

[seanbeag7]

A widower lives with his daughter, a graduate student, in a small university town in the mid west. The man comes home from work at the same time every day.

One day, upon entering the house, he hears awful racket coming from behind his daughter's bedroom door. He barges through the door only to see his daughter on her bed "intimately" involved with a large, studded vibrator. Before he can say a word, the daughter exclaims: "Look dad, I'm 33 years old, in graduate school, and all the good guys are married already. For all I know this is the best I'll ever have, so just leave me alone!" The father leaves her room, scratching his head, closing the door behind him.

A week or so later, the daughter comes home from school, enters the living room to find her dad sitting on the couch with a beer in one hand and the vibrator in the other. She says, "Dad, what the hell are you doing???!

"The man says, "Oh, just sitting here, having a beer with my Son-in-law."

[seanbeag7]

Bill Clinton dies and is on his way to Hell. At Hell's gate, he meets Satan. Satan tells Clinton that Hell is full, but that Clinton will be given the choice of who he will REPLACE forever in Hell.

Three doors appear before Clinton. The first door opens. Behind the door is Newt Gingrich. He's being worked over with a blow torch. Upon seeing Newt in this predicament, Clinton cringes and says "That looks painful. I don't think this is for me."

The second door opens. Behind door #2 is Ted Kennedy. His skin is being stripped off with a pair of pliers. Grimacing at the bloody scene, Clinton again says "I don't think this is for me."

The third door opens and behind it is Ken Starr. He is naked and bound hand and foot. Kneeling before him is Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. "I can handle that!" Clinton proclaims enthusiastically.

"Very well," says Satan. "Monica, you may go."

[Tomcat]

Jock bangs on his friends door and says
" hello my good woman , would old Mc Donald be in "

" Sorry" she says " poor Mr Mc Donald died last night of a sudden heart attack"

Jock replies " he didnt say anything about a pot of paint did he"

[seanbeag7]

101 things not to say during Sex.

1. But everybody looks funny naked!

2. You woke me up for that?

3. Did I mention the video camera?

4. Do you smell something burning?

5. (In a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...

6. Try breathing through your nose.

7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone!

8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?

9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?

10. But whipped cream makes me break out.

11. Person 1: This is your first time... right? Person 2: Yeah... today.

12. Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!

13. Can you please pass me the remote control?

14. Do you accept Visa?

15. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.

17. And to think -- I was really trying to pick up your friend!

18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.

19. (Using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?

20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...

21. (Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!

22. Do you get any premium movie channels?

23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!

24. (Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!

25. Got any penicillin?

26. But I just brushed my teeth...

27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!

28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!

29. I want a baby!

30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!

31. (In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?

32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...

33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?

34. I think you have it on backwards.

35. When is this supposed to feel good?

36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!

37. You're good enough to do this for a living!

38. Is that blood on the headboard?

39. Did I remember to take my pill?

40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?

41. I wish we got the Playboy channel..

42. That leak better be from the waterbed!

43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!

44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..

45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?

46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.

47. No, really.. I do this part better myself!

48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!

49. This would be more fun with a few more people.

50. You're almost as good as my ex!

51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?

52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?

53. You look younger than you feel.

54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.

55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!

56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.

57. Now I know why he/she dumped you..

58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?

59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.

60. What tampon?

61. Have you ever considered liposuction?

62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!

63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?

64. I have a confession..

65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!

66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?

67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?

68. Is that a hanging sculpture?

69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?

70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?

71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!

72. Did you come yet, dear?

73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about..

74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!

75. Does this count as a date?

76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!

77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.

78. I think biting is romantic -- don't you?

79. You can cook, too right?

80. When would you like to meet my parents?

81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like.. Woman: Yourself?

82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?

83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.

84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.

85. (In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?

86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?

87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.

88. Sorry but I don't do toes!

89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!

90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!

91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper..

92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".

93. So that's why they call you Mr. Flash!

94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!

95. Is this a sin too?

96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!

97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?

98. Long kisses clog my sinuses..

99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise..

100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?

101.You mean you're NOT my blind date?

[jimslim]

The Irish Paralympic swimming trials 50 meters free style ........

Lane 1 Paddy with no arms .

Lane 2 Mick with no legs .

Lane 3 Seamus with no body only a head .

The gun goes off and they all dive in . Mick with no legs takes the lead from armless Paddy , Seamus the head sinks to the bottom .

Armless Paddy pips legless Mick at the post to win the race ....

They then fish Seamus the head out from the bottom of the pool and ask him what happened .

Seamus splutters then screams "Bastards , six months I learn to swim with my ears and then someone goes and shoves a swimming cap on me ! "

[daveduke007]

For sometime many of us have wondered who is Jack Shit?

We find ourselfs at a loss when someone says "You know Jack Shit"

Thanks to my efforts you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Shit is the son of Argh Shit who married Oh Shit, the owners of
Knee Deep N Shit Inc.

In turn Jack Shit married Noe Shit.

The couple had 6 children, Holy Shit, Giva Shit, Fulla Shit, Bull Shit ant the twins Dip and Deep Shit.

Deep Shit married Dumb Shit, a high school dropout.

After 15 years Jack and Noe Shit got divorced and she married Ted Sherlock and became Noe Shit Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Shit married Lota Shit and had a rather nervous child named Chicken Shit.

Fulla Shit and Giva Shit married the Happen's Brother's in a double Wedding and the local newspaper wrote an article about the Shit-Happens wedding.

Bull Shit travelled the world and returned home with an Italian wife called Pisa Shit.

Easy innit?  

[whore]

This Irish man was walking through a field and seen a man drinking water from a stream nearby.

The irish man shouted in irish, "you wouldnt want to drink that, its full of sheep shit and piss"

The man drinking from the stream shouts back "oh sorry mate, I dont speak Irish, I'm from england"

The irish man replies, "oh I just said better use your two hands, you'll get more in that way"

[daveduke007]

Q... How did Copper Wire come about

A... Two Scotsmen arguing over a Penny

[seanbeag7]

A girl's first time

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.

He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an ease entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.

After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

Naughty, Naughty!

Excuse me, What were you thinkin'?  

[seanbeag7]

A smart child

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

The teacher had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade."

The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"

The principal and Harry both agree.

The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment, "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!

Harry replied, "Pockets."

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants"

Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Harry: Coconut

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.

Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?

Harry: Bubblegum

Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Harry: Shake hands

Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?

Harry: Yep.

Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

Harry: Tent

Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.

Principal was looking restless and bit tense.

Harry: Wedding Ring

Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.

Harry: Nose

Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Harry: Arrow

Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?

Harry: Firetruck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself."