Some Humour

[DutchCowboy]

The infamous 'My two fingers in your ass will tell you who's the daddy here' move.

[bigmick22]

I've used that move

[Guest]

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.
He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night
wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a
couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some
really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.

'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news
first?'

The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young
Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the
reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit
of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what
the good news is.

The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few
really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so
we've brought you your share.'

He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or
five crabs in it.

'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and
all that... So what's the other possible good news?

'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young
Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and
pull her up again!
========================================
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church,

enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention,

but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin',

there's no paper on this side either!'
========================================
Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman drinking in a bar in America.

The barman asks them how they like American bars.

The Englishman says they€™re Ok but in London where he drinks, he can buy 4 drinks then get the 5th drink free from the landlord.

The Scotsman says in Glasgow where he drinks, you buy 3 drinks and get the 4th drink free from the landlord.

The Irishman (Paddy) says he knows a pub in Dublin where you go in, buy 2 drinks, then the landlord gives you all the next drinks for free, then when you are legless you can go upstairs and get laid for hours on end.

The barman challenges Paddy, saying he is lying but the Irishman insists his story is true.

So it actually happened to you then says the barman.

No says Paddy, not to me personally, but it definitely happened to my sister

[halla]

Ok. Not a song about lbs, but it's close enough