Some Humour

[Guest]

Hope you have chuckle...

I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later. I love the part where she takes her ring off and walks down the isle backwards, gets in the car and f*ck's off.

Woman in labour, shouting and screaming as usual, "get this out of me, give me drugs".
She turns to the boyfriend and says "You did this to me you f*cker".
He replied casually, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse but you said, "F*ck off it'll be too painful,
Now who's laughing".

Was depressed last night, rang Samaritans lifeline. Got a call centre in Afghanistan , told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

My ex wife asked what reincarnation is. I explained, when you die you come back as something else.
She said she wanted to come back as a pig.
I said, "You are not f*cking listening are you"

Cardiff couple walking out of the divorce court, the wife is crying her heart out.
Husband says " Oh for f*ck's sake stop crying, you are still my sister"


Wife say's to husband, "Doctor says I have the tits and ass of an 18 year old"
Husband says "What about your 40 year old c**t?"
Wife says " We did not mention you"

[allstar88]

pop idol  /  x-factor piss take

[sev7en]

Great jokes, thpon
More please.

I changed one abit , hope you don´t mind.

West Virginia couple walking out of the divorce court, the wife is crying her heart out.
Husband says " Oh for f*ck's sake stop crying, you are still my sister"

[Guest]

Never had this back in wales.....

[mirimark]

Damn  BM's,   about a half hour ago,  I just had an absolute beauty walk up to my door trying to sell avon.

 My God she was hot,   As  Elton John would say;

" Back to the Plow'n in the Owl  in the woods,  Back to the Horny back toad,  Oh I guess my future Lies beyond the Yellow " SLIT TAILED "  Road.

 I winked at my wife and said;  "  Damn,  dont'cha wish we were 18yr's again and put the Plow to that Split Tail"

 She was Flipp'n  Yummy.    Red hair, 110lbs, 5' nothing, FLat chested.
Of course my wife slapped me in my arm, but she did have a Laughing smile on her face while she did it.

 Shes a closeted carpet muncher in denial.


By the way bro, I or stogie already have a JOKES topic started if you want to add to it.

[mirimark]

[Stogie]

Arthur is 95 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 30 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad...once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes, and as they sit down, she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try."

"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing, and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law."Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."

"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.

"I can't remember."

[Guest]

A guy walks into a store to buy brains.

He asks the woman behind the counter how much each of the brains cost.

They saleswoman tells him, "$5/gram for women's brains, $20/gram for dog's brains, and $100/gram for men's brains."

So the guy is surprised with the varying prices, and he asks the saleswoman,

How come men's brain's are so much more expensive than women's brains or dog's brains?

And the saleswoman replies,

Are you kidding!?!?!?!? Do you know how many men it takes to get a gram of brains?
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A veterinarian got a phone call at midnight one night.

The woman on the other end of the phone said, "My wee puppy is together with the dog from next door and I can't get them apart."

The vet asked her if she tried throwing a bucket of water on them.
She said "Yes, but it didn't work."

He said, "Did you try hitting them with a broom."
She said, "Yes, but that didn't work either."

He then said, "Well Ma'am here's what you do. Hang up. I'll call you back. When the phone rings, they will separate."

She said, "Do you really think that will work?"
He said, "Well it just did for me!"
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Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do.

The shrink said that, since Christmas was coming up that he should ask Johnny what he wanted Santa to bring him. If he cussed, he should leave a pile of dog shit in place of the gift.

Two days before Christmas, Johnny's dad asked Johnny what he wanted. Johnny said, "I want a goddamned teddy-bear laying right fuckin here beside me when I wake-up Christmas morning.
Then, when I go downstairs I want to see a motherfuckin' train going around the goddamned tree, and when I go outside I want to see a red-assed fuckin' bike leaning up against the damn garage!"

Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a big pile of dog shit. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a bunch of dog shit around the Christmas tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog shit by the garage. When he walked back inside with a curious look on his face.

His dad smiled and asked...
"So Johnny, what did Santa bring you this year?"

Johnny replied, "I think I got a fuckin' dog but I can't find the son of a bitch."

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A young man walks up and sits at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.

"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.

"6 shots! Are you celebrating something?"

"Yeah, my first blow job."

"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."

"No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."
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Why do men snore?

When they fall asleep, their balls cover their assholes and they vapor lock.

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What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a
single 40-year-old man?

The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the
40-year-old man thinks often about dating them.

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Two young couples marry the same day and, being all friends, leave together for honeymoon to stay at the same Hotel in Venice, door to door.

The next morning, the two brand new husbands step out on their balconies to have a breath of fresh air.

"So? How was it going last night? C'mon, tell me! How's your wife?"
"Uhh, fine I guess, she's lying on the bed smoking."
"Jesus! My wife just got a bit sore..."

[jimslim]

I just bought a bottle of HP sauce in Tesco , I'm paying it off 20p a week for a year ..............

Boom boom

[blonde_havoc]

A father says to his son, "Boy, you had better stop masturbating or you're gonna go blind!"

Son says, "Dad... I'm over here."

[Lefty]

An Australian fellow is hanging out with his girlfriend, drinking beer.
After some time passes, he starts to get bored, so he asks her if she wants to fight.
She says "I can't fight with you today, I'm having my period."

He says "Period? What's a period?"

"You know, my time of the month."

"Time of the month? What do you mean, time of the month?"

"It's my menstrual cycle."

"Menstrual cycle?What's a menstrual cycle?"

She points down at her nether regions and says, "You know, I'm bleeding down there."

He reacts with some surprise and shock and says "You're bleeding down there? Take down your pants and let me have a look!!"

So she drops her pants. After inspecting things, with a look of horror on his face he says "Yee gads, no wonder you're bleeding, they've cut off your dick!"

[Lefty]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he
says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, he is the adopted pet frog of Mick Jagger and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to provide some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this." And he produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. It's bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager; and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and reports: "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you, and he wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

So the bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man is a Rolling Stone."

[bigmick22]

An Asian man walked into the currency exchange line in a New York bank with
2000 yen, and he walked out with $72. The following week, he walked in with

2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money
than he had gotten the previous week. The lady said, "Fluctuations." The
Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming
the door, he turned around and said, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"

[Lefty]

A Swede named Ole Olsen decides to get married to the lovely Lena and asks his best friend Sven Svensen to be his best man.

After the wedding there is a huge reception held in the banquet room on the ground floor of the same hotel where the honeymoon suite on the top floor awaits Ole and his new bride.

Ole is the life of the party at the reception and proceeds to get rip roaring drunk. After some time passes he decides to head upstairs to the honeymoon suite, since he does not see Lena anywhere and thinks she is up there waiting for him.

He arrives at the door, fumbles with the key, finally gets the door unlocked, and slowly opens it. He looks in and see his best man and friend, Sven, on top of his new bride, madly making love to her. He is quite surprised when seeing this, and quietly closes the door and heads back to the banquet room. He asks a group of other friends there to come upstairs, he wants to show them something. So they all follow Ole to the honeymoon suite, he opens the door and says take a look at that.
They look in and see Sven and Lena going at it, and someone says, "Oh Ole, you are just really drunk, that's not really happening, you're just imagining it."

Ole says "Drunk? You think I'm drunk? Look at Sven, he's so drunk he thinks he's me!!

[jimslim]

An Irishman walks into a bar in London one Friday afternoon and orders 3 pints of Guinness , sits down , takes his time and drinks his 3 pints and leaves .

After a period of a few weeks the barman notices him arriving the same time every Friday and ordering 3 pints everytime .

Of course the barman is intrigued at this so one day he asks him why he orders 3 pints of Guinness at the same time .

The Irishman replies - "Well I've 2 brothers , one emigrated to America , the other to Australia ,and me to London . We all agreed that every Friday afternoon no matter where in the world we were , and allowing for time differences , we would all order 3 pints of Guinness to remember our brothers "

Well the Irishman , Paddy was his name becomes quite a regular , every Friday afternoon regular as clockwork he arrives and orders his 3 pints before going home .

One day he walks into the bar "The usual Paddy ? " says the barman
"Nah "says Paddy "Just give us 2 pints today "
"Jesus Paddy , tell me its not bad news , what has happened ?" says the barman , fearing the worst .

"Ach its me brother Seamus in Australia " says Paddy
"He's off the drink "

Boom boom