The jokes thread...

[seanbeag7]

This is for Naang


What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples?

It's Brail for "suck here"

[seanbeag7]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.

He flicked it on.

"It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates,"

Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said,

"They're bells." Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."

[seanbeag7]

Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies.

She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.

At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At last they're finally together."

A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me Father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"

"I mean her legs!"

[mirimark]

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go un-rewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied ...'It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle Grow'

[mirimark]

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon.........You got nice house.

[Rimmer]

Old man back from Thailand with his new Thai bride.
Lying in bed, the Thai bride is playing with his manhood, slowly stroking it up and down.
The old boy says, 'You must love that, you haven't left it alone since we got back!'
The bride replied, 'Not really, I just miss mine.

[mirimark]

You Know what I Love about a Woman most ?
Her hands. So she can do my fucking Laundry and cook me food. Fregg'n Tramps !

[janabiyah]

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'. He says 'That's alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'. She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !'.

[assist]

Have you ever seen one like this??

[assist]

Oh, Calm down...



it's a newborn Panda!!!!

[abba]

So she can do my fucking Laundry and cook me food

Mister Sensitivity has left the building.  

[mirimark]

Another Original from your Uncle Mirimark.

[mirimark]

(mirimark @ Dec. 06 2005,11:21) An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.

The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.

One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.

As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly".

 HELLO !  Is thing On , or am I wasting my Time here ?

I still Love this one Most.

[abba]

Mister Siskel gave it a "thumbs up".
Mister Ebert enjoyed it, but he can at the same time, also see that it might provoke the National Association of Retired People.  

[Stogie]

The world has changed a lot. We never had pedophiles in the neighborhood when I was a kid. We had to buy our own sweets!

So why are there pedophiles around every corner these days, eh? My mate reckons it's the internet. I reckon it's sexy kids.

My 9 year old pen pal in Africa is having a mid life crisis...

That fitness freak Foggy was chiding me for being unfit. He told me that you are what you eat. I told him he was a dick!

Got thinking today about statistics and what they mean... If I'm right 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape!

Actually, there's a free Rape Advice helpline. I got an earful when I called, though. It's for the victims.

What does Snick do when faced with a free pork dinner?

Actually that's a bit naughty. I was thinking that I should be more tolerant about other people and their beliefs so I looked up 'Tolerance'on the web. From what I have read, it roughly translates as "Bend over and take it up the shitter, you white male middle class successful unrepresented healthy Nazi!"

On a lighter note... Two Muslims walk into a bar. Boom Boom!

Poor old Boy George, eh? He even looks like a thug these days. In the song Karma Chameleon he sang "I'm a man without conviction..." Oops!

I got talking to an Indian guy in Doha on the way over here last week. I asked him if I could try on his turban. I felt quite Sikh.

Racist jokes, eh? But I can't see the big deal with calling a Pakistani a Paki. It's just the same as calling an Australian an Aussie, a Scotsman a Scot or a Frenchman a Cunt.

Frightening statistics on knife crime in the UK. Biggest cause of death among young kids is being stabbed. I'm not convinced. I reckon the biggest cause of deaths among young people in the UK is not having a knife.

I don't like to think too much about death. I mentioned it to the missus recently. Just said I'd like to die while I was having sex. So she said "Ä quick death, then?"

But crime is a big problem right now, especially in an economic downturn. I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?