Divorce. Honest replies please....

[Guest]

kl --mine did not end because of me fucking around outside my marriage. it end for other reasons. i did the ending of the marriage. i am sure their are others here that did end because of infedilty.

[stogie bear]

it seems like some want their cake and eat it too...

The older you get the more and more you find that cake is unappetizing!

Often the pain from a divorce or seperation comes from the hit our dignity takes rather than the love we have for our partner. It's hard for me to believe that people can have 'true love' for anyone that despises them or simply doesn't love them back. Love (when applied to a matrimonial setting) is a two way process and exchange of agreed emotions.

When the novelty of monogamy or the indifference to a prior 'love' arrangement has worn off for one of the partners it's often pride, insecurity and fear of loneliness that spark off all these negative reactions rather than the confusion surrounding the loss of 'true love.'

It's funny how very soon after the fraught and desperately harrowing ordeal of a breakup that many people often soon find a new partner to repeat the process with! This to me suggests that there is more than 'love' that is deciding some rather hasty and badly thought through decisions.

Humans (esp. men) aren't designed to be monogamous and just because you have gotten into the habit of it doesn't mean that it's the right thing to do. The idea of not being able to live happily without one particular person on this planet is pure silliness and more than a little childlike.

I don't know you or your particular situation so I won't tell you to pull up your socks and get over your own insecurities and start living for yourself for a change... but that's what I'm thinking!!!

[kahuna]

(stogie bear @ Aug. 28 2007,09:11) When the novelty of monogamy or the indifference to a prior 'love' arrangement has worn off for one of the partners it's often pride, insecurity and fear of loneliness that spark off all these negative reactions rather than the confusion surrounding the loss of 'true love.'

The one phrase, "...the novelty...has worn off..." reminds me of a passage from a favorite novel of mine...So please bear with me for a moment...

One of my favorite authors, Tom Robbins ( a Seattle boy Doc), wrote a novel about how to make love last...Still Life With Woodpecker.  It takes place inside a pack of Camel cigarettes...well kinda sorta...Throughtout the novel he has a running battle with his Remington SL3 typewritter...and finally concludes that he will never write another novel on an electirc typewritter, "I'd rather use a sharp stick and a little pile of dog shit, " he tell us...But Stogie's comments reminded me of the passage at the conclusion..so for what it's worth, here it is...

"If that pissant typewritter has got me in a situation where I must make a closing remark, well then I guess in all fairness I should say one more thing about making love stay.

"When the mystery of the connection goes, love goes.  It's that simple.  This suggests that it isn't love that is so important to us but the mystery itself.  The love connection may be merely a device to put us in contact with the mystery, and we long for love to last so that the ecstasy of being near the mystery will last.  It is contrary to the nature of mystery to stand still.  Yet it's always there, somewhere, a world on the other side of the mirror (or the Camel pack), a promise in the next pair of eyes that smile at us. We glimpse it when we stand still.

" The romance of near love, the romance of solitude, the romance of objecthood, the romance of ancient pyramids and distant stars are means of making contact with the mystery.  When it comes to perpetuating it, however, I got no advice.  But I can and will remind you of two of the most important facts I know:

    (1)   Everything is part of it.

    (2)   It's never too late to have a happy childhood."

I had a great childhood as I would guess you did Doc..but now I'm having another late in my life...You can have many more...

[stogie bear]

When the mystery of the connection goes, love goes. It's that simple...

It's never too late to have a happy childhood...

[moe666]

It's not love that people feel, they mistake passion, lust, attachment, jealousy, posession, and many another human emotion mistaken for love.

If it were truley love you would not seperate no matter the reason except death. Or maybe if it were true love you would seperate to give the otheir person what they need and want.

I like the stuff about the guy who beats his girlfriend to a pulp and when they ask him why he did it he says I love her so much. My qoestion is if you loved her why are you beating her up.

O well another day lost in delusion.

[relpax]

(katoeylover @ Aug. 27 2007,20:25) From reading this topic, and its a bit unfair as I have never married, it seems like some want their cake and eat it too.

If you are married or in a committed relationship, is it the excitement or the fear that makes one P4P?

Is it a bit rich expecting a wife to hang around whilst you go and play in Thailand and then be upset when it all ends in tears?
I realise there are many factors which I dont understand, but for me, I like myself and am quite happy single, and enjoying what is on offer.

Hmmm

My experiences in Thailand were while my wife and I had a brief separation. I can't speak for everyone though.

[harley quinn]

I had a very different experience because my relationship went really bad so my initial reaction was one of total relief to have put it behind me. So I drank a lot, decided I was one of the boys (failed miserably) became morose (why - to this day I have no idea) drank more, became guilt ridden and one day quite literally woke up and it was out of my system.

It was an awful time and anyone who says it will not tear you apart is either a callous monster or a liar.

Doc there's light at the end of it all - you will sort it in your own time and come out of it a different person, I think I am now a better person, certainly more considerate of others and I do value friends and family a lot more.

At the end of it there's always the prospect of a long and happy second childhood. Chin up you will come through it and there's good times to come.

[Guest]

so when the hell is this 2nd childhood going to come and the crapy feelings going to leave am getting really burned out on this crap..its been a four months now

[kahuna]

I took about a year and the divorce to be finalized in court and the attorney shit over before I felt totally free...

But, I actually got rid of most of the crap early on...within a couple of months...

Contrary to what some will advise here, I went to a licensed clinical psychologist (Ph.D) and a psychiatrist (MD)...both females by the way...who helped me get through the initial pain of my divorce...perhaps not for everyone, but counseling and anti-depressant drugs worked wonders for me...

EDIT: I'm not a person who hides emotions...I pretty much wear them on my sleeve...So I can't imagine anyone who was visible at least, more of a basket case than I was...Professional help is not for everyone...you really have to want to do it and believe that it will work for you...

[Guest]

thanks kahuna but i think my main problem is missing my kids more then her..also my dog since i could not take care of him and do my job. i actually miss my dog more then her..now thats kind of fucked up.

[stogie bear]

Professional help is not for everyone...you really have to want to do it and believe that it will work for you...

Same same for hypnotism and acupuncture. If you believe in it then it's great.

i actually miss my dog more then her..now thats kind of fucked up.

You said it. My mums second husband cried when his dog died. I lost all respect for him after that.

[TTChang]

(kahuna @ Aug. 30 2007,06:46) .... but counseling and anti-depressant drugs worked wonders for me...    ... I can't imagine anyone who was visible at least,  more of a basket case than I was...

Perhaps this is one of the reasons kahuna & I are mates - similar past experiences!   Ex basket cases?     It took me more than a year, though, before I stopped thinking about my ex every hour of every day.  That is the real    - when you can't get on with your life (second childhood etc) without the mental baggage (the B movies playing in your head)

Fortunately my (female) doc refused to give me drugs straightaway, and I was OK with that.  I went for about 10 hours (one per week) counselling & they were so pleased at the result they wanted me to train as a counsellor.   I told them I could not do that - it would re-live all my pain.  

So I just do it part-time now........... usually with the beer goggles on, and when talking crap.  Kahuna is very good though - he's heard hours of stuff from TTChang during my recent recovery plan in LOS      See you next week - your avatar wait you  

[kahuna]

(stogie bear @ Aug. 31 2007,10:50) Same same for hypnotism and acupuncture. If you believe in it then it's great.

I had fought going to a therapist for years...my daughter's mother (my ex - cognitive therapy still working) was a therapist...(as is my daughter) I didn't really have a choice...

I went to my regular doctor for something I can't even recall now and after the nurse took my blood pressure and weighed me (routine procedure every visit) and ushered me into the doc...they both had puzzled looks on their faces as they asked me why and how I had lost 22 lbs in a one month...Truth is, I didn't realize that I had...I was eating...but stress is very powerful and very dangerous...I went to a therapist...

My rules for a very happy childhood...

I only believe in three certainties...birth, death and sex...

I am certain I was born and I am equally certain that some day I will die.  So today I think I'll have sex...

[kahuna]

(TTChang @ Aug. 31 2007,13:15) Perhaps this is one of the reasons kahuna & I are mates - similar past experiences!   Ex basket cases?    

See you next week - your avatar wait you  

I hate to break this to you TT but we are both still basket cases...  

And stay away from my avatar...she is gonna help me fulfill one of my certainties...

See ya Wednesday mate...

[relpax]

Just wanted to say thanks for the comments and advice. While it is a work in progress, I am feeling better today than I did last month. I can't wait until this is a distant memory.