Divorce. Honest replies please....

[relpax]

Hey guys.  

I may be the biggest idiot in the world, but I am putting these questions out for advice.  Now, I realize that it may be tempting to make a ton of jokes about my situtations, but please refrain.  Believe me, I could not feel much worse about my situation.

Background:  As the title said, I am in the middle of a separation which is quickly heading towards a divorce.  We are amicable but it has been a total ass kicker for me because I don't really want a divorce.  (That is not to say that getting divorce does not have perks.... like more travel opportunities to BKK for LB/GG.  However, it is also a death of a dream.  I basically knew tihs woman for my adult life).  Basically I can say that it hurts quite a bit to lose someone I care so much about.

My question:  Those of you guys who have been through a divorce.  How long did it take you to get over it?  What helped you get back out there and get started again?  Or, were you guys so far gone that it was easy to walk away?  Thanks for your consideration and comments.

Right now food does not taste as good, the sun is not quite as sunny, music sucks because every song reminds me of her.....blah blah blah. This time really sucks.

[moe666]

How long were you married? that could make it easier or harder. Every one is different but my advice is if divorce is for sure don't waste time. Sit down with her figure out what you both want, don't fight over crap, toaster, microwave, and that sort of stuff. Get yourself a fair deal on the stuff that counts retirement, property, and other monetary stuff.

Get your own lawyer, but tell them you have it all figured out give them the list of how you want it to be split up.

Divorce is not the time to go goofy, keep your wits about you. This is a time when you can lose all reason like you can have it all I don't want anything or you fight over everything down to the smallest piece of crap you have collected. More money for lawyers.

The reason I say not to wait is so you can get on with your new life. You will be hit with a lot of different emotions good and bad. And yes a trip to LOS will help but when you go home all the old shit will be back.

I was married for 15 years thought she was the only woman for me, well divorce was the best thing that happened in my life. It got me back to traveling the world meeting people I never would have met and seeing things I never would have seen.

Good luck, time heals all things and it is free.

[kahuna]

Damn Doc...I'm really sorry for both you and your wife...I think I know how much you wanted it to work...

I was married for 23 years...and we didn't love each other any longer...but that didn't lessen the pain...

You have to go through all the stages of grief...denial, anger, depression are all part of the process...

And I imangine it's different for everyone...booze and drugs didn't help...But friends and family did...although they seemed to want to take sides which is not a good thing...And you have to remind yourself often that she is feeling the same as you...

It's been a while for me...but as I recall...it took me the better part of 6 months to get through initial stages and I had professional help...At about a year I had reached full acceptance...or as full as it was ever gonna be...She passed away 9 years ago...and truthfully, I still think about her...

The upside...I am a much better person now than I was when I was married...Ok, I'm an asshole, but a much nicer asshole...I'm much happier...I've accepted myself for what I am...and I actually like myself...

Keep talking about how you feel...keep it as positive as you can...and try and remember that you are responsible for your emotions...you make them...you own them...You can be as happy or sad as you want to be...not what someone else wants...

I know it dosen't seem like it now, but it will scab over...you will heal...and so will she...

Cheers Mate...If there is anything I can do to help...

[Guest]

relpax am going through the same thing right now. so i can not tell you how long it will last. drinking does not help once again drinking does not help. i have already tried this.

i know longer wish mine to work. am sick of it and even though i know that because of this i wont get to retire at 45 now. i dont care to live with a person that lies to me and takes me for granted. move on with your life and make new friends. you will staart having fun again. i have meet a bunch of thai ladies in houston that are completely nuts and i love parting with them.

i still have my ruff times but they are getting better. the rages i go into sometimes are another thing. i never let them out and even if you meet me during one you would never know. i keep it all inside me which is not good.

[post-op lover]

Relpax, before letting it all go down the drain, maybe there's things you and the wife aren't seeing. Do get a trusted recommendation on a marriage counselor.

Falling into love is easy, falling out is hard. Get some advice from someone who will help you sort things out. If it does save the marriage, it's money well spent. If you go to divorce, then you both tried to get experienced advice, and the counselor can also give you advice tailored to your personal experiences and pains.

POL

[stogie bear]

The best advice that you have heard from all your friends is that you'll get over it... in time.

This advice sounds trite but it's also true.

Don't bother trying to wiegh up the pros and cons right now because at the moment it's all bad news. Hurts like hell, can't see past the next hurdle and you wonder where it all went wrong.

But the point is that it IS happening and there IS life after divorce even when you are on the losing end.

Cry a lot and drink a lot and wallow in self pity for a while, then when you're ready; start to move on.

Don't listen to others who will tell you how to feel. Noone can do that. Get it all out of your system and start from scratch. In two years you'll feel 20 years younger again and I'll drink your beer all night if I'm wrong!

Divorce can be like a death in the family but like all tragedy we humans are geared to deal with it and move past it.

Good luck... see you in two years!

[TTChang]

 very true!  I've been there - 14 years ago - and I survived to tell a tale or two.   But it was tough, and I didnt want it to happen.

My ex got remarried within a year of the financial settlement.   I havent!! .... Good job, as things turned out  

Good luck - and make the most of your buddies (even when they give you crap advice, your best mates will be around you for many years to come)

[Guest]

I think for most people who have done it, me included, the grass is greener on the other side, you just have to water it and wait for it to grow.

[moe666]

Doc. divorce is not easy, death of a loved one is not easy but as I said earlier time will heal and it takes time.
Each one of use will experience these events differently and in our own way. When I would be going thru a bad spell and thinking the pain would never stop I would ask for more . The sooner it was over the better, worked for me, but you will have to find what works for you.

If you do go with the counselor get a good one, there are many out there with worst problems than you.

Good luck and remember we never give ourselves more than we can handle. In a few years you will probly be saying the best thing to happen to me.

[kahuna]

One more note buddy...It's not your fault...It isn't anyone's fault...

[stogie bear]

Don't waste your time with "councelors!" They'll fuck you up for life. You may as well ask God for answers!

[Guest]

i feel the same way also sb. i think they are just there for the money and the priest also. with them they are there for the young boys also.

[daveduke007]

(stogie bear @ Aug. 26 2007,19:37) You may as well ask God for answers!

Eric Cantona has retired

[nigel69]

I think it is different for everybody.I was with the same woman, right from my last year in school, till I was 35 ( 17 years).Like others ,I thought it would last forever.I was cheating on her ,with both gg's & lb's, from about the age of 21.In the end she found the keys to an apartment I had set up for a prostitute girlfriend, in the glovebox of my car.
She eventually booted me out about 9 Months later.Although I was the transgressor I was pretty cut up and thought it was the end of the World.Having had 2 kids also makes it harder and more complex.It took me more than 6 Months to stop feeling like shit ,but once I had resolved to go out it didn't take me long to find a female.
After a few years with a Japanese woman, whom I also fucked around on, I met my second wife, a sexy Thai lady, and we have been together for 12 years.
For me, I just hate to be by myself and although a bastard, in terms of extra marital sexual encounters,I find it better to have someone looking out for you, than to be alone.
I have recently contemplated going solo, as my bi-sexuality is really starting to become a mental strain for me, however I could never see myself commiting to a 100% lb relationship either, so what's the point.
Also after losing a shitload of money on divorce number one the stakes are even higher for divorce number 2.
I have therefore resolved to play it "straight" and to be very, very discreet about my lb encounters, although the "force" is strong.
Everyone gets over, or moves on from, bad experiences, some better than others.There is always light at the end of the tunnel.

[katoeylover]

From reading this topic, and its a bit unfair as I have never married, it seems like some want their cake and eat it too.

If you are married or in a committed relationship, is it the excitement or the fear that makes one P4P?

Is it a bit rich expecting a wife to hang around whilst you go and play in Thailand and then be upset when it all ends in tears?
I realise there are many factors which I dont understand, but for me, I like myself and am quite happy single, and enjoying what is on offer.