Your views on... Solitude

[jimslim]

(anthony70 @ Mar. 12 2010,20:16) I was once told, there is a diference between being alone, and being lonely.

Correct , its all about peace of mind and being happy in yourself .

Sometimes it takes a long time to come to this point .

I've spent all my life (Up until the last five years or so ) living with various people , now I doubt if I would like to live with someone again .

Is that good or not ?

Well its all down to your own view point , if you are happy fine .

I have a large group of friends who I'm sure find me a little odd at times , but they know well what I'm like .

I love being with my mates yet at times I'm happiest alone , on my days off work I'll go walking for miles along the seafront , or in the hills , just me and my music and I'm happy .

To have the freedom to do as you please and answer to no one is a wonderful thing .

[farangbah]

(jimslim @ Mar. 13 2010,04:00) I have a large group of friends who I'm sure find me a little odd at times , but they know well what I'm like .

To have the freedom to do as you please and answer to no one is a wonderful thing .

... and don't even get me started on my mother, who can't possibly fathom why I'm not married with a brood of children, which is the only purpose in life.

For me, it's becoming that being around other people is occasionally nice but tiring, and when I'm alone I just feel at rest.

[manarak]

(pacman @ Mar. 12 2010,21:41)

(manarak @ Mar. 12 2010,21:06) I self-diagnosed me with Asperger's Syndrome a couple of weeks ago... 'nuff said.

Good grief! I haven't noticed anything in your posts to indicate you have Aspergers.

I don't claim expertise in these matters but doesn't the very fact that you participate in a public forum disqualify from making such a claim?

Perhaps a little more self-diagnosis is in order. Sufferers from Aspergers that I have met seem to me a whole lot different to the personality you display.

And they have an encyclopaedic memory. Can you remember whole pieces line-by-line from books you read many years ago? They can.

Well, there are different levels of Asperger's.

My emotional and relational quotients are both on the (very) lower end of the scale, I got a very clear Asperger index (35) and I am very methodical.
In my case, it is coupled with high giftedness, which is believed to alleviate a lot of the apparent symptoms.
This is what is called being "2e" or twice exceptional, it means giftedness plus a disability - the giftedness compensates for some of the disability.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Twice_exceptional

In fact, it is said that highly gifted Aspies are perceived by other people as being "just a bit wierd", most of the symptoms are well hidden. Asperger's then mainly happens "inside".
Those voices, OH, THOSE VOICES !!!
LOL. Don't worry, we aren't nuts.
We just need to spend lots of time alone.

Bill Gates and Stephen Spielberg are supposed to be Aspies, as well as Albert Einstein, Thomas Jefferson, Nikola Tesla, Alan Turing, Andy Warhol, Dan Akroyd, André Ampère, George Orwell, Isaac Newton, Stanley Kubric, Michelangelo, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, James Joyce, Emily Dickinson, Lewis Caroll and many others, among which, sorry to say, the Unabomber, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Dahmer.

All these people are/were highly gifted and are suspected to have AS.
You would agree that they don't/didn't behave like Rain Man?

Not all have encyclopaedic memory or unable to communicate.
These are stereotypes.

I was never able to learn any long text by heart, but I learn languages extremely fast.

But I never read a book a second time, because I remember all the stories.

And when I was young, when some girls showed interest, I didn't even notice...

I recon the social interaction I have today relies on automatisms I have learned and not on instict.

Public forums are perfect for me.
I got lots of time to think about what I write, and even then, I sometimes post stuff that nobody gets or humor that makes nobody laugh.

This is not to suggest that there is any cognitive impairment in the Asperger€™s individual. On the contrary, those with Asperger€™s have no clinically significant delay in language development or in cognitive abilities. Many with Asperger€™s are of average intelligence, but many are actually highly gifted and even brilliant. People with Asperger€™s often obtain one or more college degrees, and they may become mathematicians, philosophers, scientists, university professors, etc. But adult functioning usually requires some degree of communication skill and social adaptability, and these are notably lacking in Asperger€™s Syndrome.

What else is often lacking is comprehension of the nonliteral aspects of language, especially spoken language. Just as they miss nonverbal signals when interacting with others, people with Asperger€™s usually are stymied by humor, irony, metaphor, or any other use of language that goes beyond literal meaning. This makes normal interaction with coworkers or acquaintances difficult.

Of all the pervasive developmental disorders, Asperger€™s Syndrome has the most positive prognosis, and children with Asperger€™s more often than not become independently functioning adults. However, their social impairments often lead to psychological difficulties, including poor self-image and depression, and as adults their social interactions will continue to be marked by typical Asperger€™s disturbances, though usually in more subtle form if intervention has been initiated early and successfully.

My professional life (and personal life too) always has been difficult and I often found myself crying in the night and wishing I was different, wishing I was another person.

After five years of difficulties, I decided to pass an IQ test.
So I went to Mensa and passed their free test.
I got one question wrong.

Then I did a lot of reading about IQ, giftedness, and it already explained a lot.
But not everything.

Then I read the first time about Asperger's three weeks ago in the newspaper.
Seemed wierd to me at the beginning, but the article included also a list of people who had Asperger's together with high giftedness, and the names on the list had me do more reading and several AS tests, all very very positive.

So, now I'm here, and finally everything is explained.

[Guest]

I also enjoy solitude, so do many members of my maternal family. Having said that, I am also very comfortable n the company of nice, well mannerd people as many of us are. There is something very satisfying about living a life to suit only myself and closing that door at night.
However, the opportunity to sleep with an attractive slim female or female impersanator with a nice firm body between the ages of 18 & 30 is seldom declined.........I just wish it would happen more often in Farangland

[katoeylover]

(JaiDee @ Mar. 12 2010,17:54)

KL, since  you sleep alone in the UK, do you feel it very odd to sleep with someone when you are in Thailand?  You have a tee-rac there, so when she is in your bed do you feel crowded or do you sleep OK?

Same as Anthony I can't sleep with someone in my bed worth beans, I just toss and turn because I am used to having all that space to myself.

For a week, i love it, dont know whether i could do longer though..

[El_hefe]

Interesting topic... Loner here too, but not a toothless drifter type,

....but always from teenage years on, I was always waiting for the time I would be able to live alone & travel when/where I want (actually started traveling alone abroad as a teen at the end of the 60s). I often think about how that minor deviation of angle in trajectory so early on in life becomes so pronounced as time goes on. My experiences are nothing like my contemporaries now & it is difficult to maintain a relationship, male or female, because unless we have a shared focus in something: sports, music, profession.... ladyboys.... there's very little in common experience now with most.

So while I think I could want to settle down with someone if the right circumstances happened, I'm thinking it's less likely as time passes & that trajectory takes me further out from the other orbits.

Interesting that we now find ourselves infatuated, but at the edges, of a society that values conformity, inclusion & status above all. Maybe this seals the deal for our solitude wishes?

[strocube]

Some interesting thoughts posted here. As for myself, I have friends and family around but no girlfriend. I can chose to hang out with people if I want, a lot of times I chose not to. I don't know if that makes me a loner or what.
I do get lonely sometimes and I wish I had some one around, but then I look at people who are paired up and miserable, or people who have had children and are now divorced and think "wow, there are things far worse than the occasional bout of loneliness." Also, just the thought of even dating a woman close to my age in this country makes me wanna And I'm neither rich, powerful nor famous enough to attract any girl that I might possibly be interested in so, fuck it.

[JaiDee]

Again, the thing I like best about being alone all the time is that I never have to run anything by another person.  I want to sleep till 2pm? No problems....wanna eat Burger King instead of Thai food? Mai pen rai. Want to lay by the pool all day listening to my music? "Up to me".  When people are around, either girls or ladyboys or even my falang friends, they are always asking me questions, questions and MORE questions!!  Ugggghhh..... it's like, " well, I really don't know what I am going to be doing at 5pm, 7pm or 9pm, but when it gets to that point I will let you know, OK??'' But until then leave me be and let me enjoy my day.


I once knew a very pretty Vietnamese women named Duy Linh; she came from the small island of Phu Quoc which is situated between Nam and Cambodia in the gulf of Thailand.   We met in 2000 when I was motorcycling around the Mekong Delta for 3 weeks {alone, natch} and she was working at her Moms restaurant in Vinh Loi. I ate there frequently and we exchanged addresses [this was prior to e-mails being common] and stayed in touch. On future visits to Nam we would meet in Ho Chi Minh City; she was 20 years younger than me and I liked the attention from a stunning Viet girl, and she wanted a western Visa, that was no secret.

 One week we flew down to Phu Quoc island and stayed at her Dads place, a lovely spot on the ocean.  Sitting on the dunes outside her home on a beautiful full moon evening one time, she turned to me and says; "JD; do you ever get lonely?''  It took me a few seconds to process that, as no one had ever asked me such a question.  After a 1/2 minute contemplating that question, I truthfully replied to her; "no".  She was kind of taken aback; surely because she DOES get lonely [most women do] and was hoping that I'd say the same thing. Sorry Linh, guys are just wired differently I guess.

             The single life is best.....I will never get married again [and if I did it would have been someone like her] and in fact will probably never even date again, I just can't imagine someone being around me 24/7 asking questions all the time....I am quite sure it would drive me nuts.

[manarak]

Again, the thing I like best about being alone all the time is that I never have to run anything by another person. I want to sleep till 2pm? No problems....wanna eat Burger King instead of Thai food? Mai pen rai. Want to lay by the pool all day listening to my music? "Up to me". When people are around, either girls or ladyboys or even my falang friends, they are always asking me questions, questions and MORE questions!! Ugggghhh..... it's like, " well, I really don't know what I am going to be doing at 5pm, 7pm or 9pm, but when it gets to that point I will let you know, OK??'' But until then leave me be and let me enjoy my day.

LOL - same same here!
hehe
In general, I never know what I will be doing until the moment comes.
Other people will ask me, and I will usually give an answer with the most likely scenario...

Then I just do what I feel like - ask Chinaman, when we try to coordinate something or go bar hopping, I start with one declared intention which usually dissolves in thin air when we are halfway through, hehe.

At my work this drove some people nuts (especially the Swiss and the Germans) - other people liked the refreshment of being able of achieving something without being total prisoners of a plan that was usually made without knowing all the facts.

so... have you taken the Asperger test then?

[f0xxee]

(JaiDee @ Mar. 14 2010,01:59)  One week we flew down to Phu Quoc island and stayed at her Dads place, a lovely spot on the ocean.  Sitting on the dunes outside her home on a beautiful full moon evening one time, she turned to me and says;   "JD; do you ever get lonely?''  It took me a few seconds to process that, as no one had ever asked me such a question.  After a 1/2 minute contemplating that question, I truthfully replied to her; "no".  She was kind of taken aback; surely because she DOES get lonely [most women do] and was hoping that I'd say the same thing.  Sorry Linh, guys are just wired differently I guess.

           

That's interesting.
I am still working fly in/fly out of Vietnam although I live in LOS I have lost count of the number of times I have been asked (while I was still living in VN) whether I was lonely. Its incomprehensible to the Vietnamese mind that Foreigners might like their own space.
From the minute they wake up until they fall asleep VN's prefer to be in the company of others. The idea of a quiet breakfast over a newspaper is utterly unreal to them. They would be completely confused by the topic of this thread.

Even at work it is almost impossible to assign duties to a single person: like the ark, all needs to be done in pairs. You want to fly a contractor offshore to do a specific technical job? Tough luck, you need to find room for 2 of them, they cannot function alone. There are times it drives me fucking nuts!
In Vietnam if you are in a local restuarant eating alone you are almost guaranteed company (at least in the more falang friendly south, they don't care for us as much up north) whether you want it or not. Someone wants to practice english or just generally find out what makes the big nose tick. And the inevitable questions start: "Are you alone?""Where is your wife?" "Do you have children?"
"You must be lonely!" And it's not a pick up...

Vietnam is the hardest country in which to enjoy quiet solitude: for a start it's the noisiest place in Asia, secondly if they could legislate against being a loner they would.

One of the joys of a Thai GF (or at least Mrs Foxxee) is that she enjoys companionable silence with me. She is happy to read a book for hours with me: She doesn't feel the need to fill the blessed silence with girl-babble, my biggest issue with westerners. Why are western woman scared of silence? Why do they need to talk shit rather than let thier incessently flapping jaws take a well earned break?
Why do western women assume when i am reading I am doing nothing, AND INSIST ON TALKING TO ME!

[PigDogg]

(JaiDee @ Mar. 13 2010,10:59) they are always asking me questions, questions and MORE questions!!  



Ugggghhh..... it's like, " well, I really don't know what I am going to be doing at 5pm, 7pm or 9pm, but when it gets to that point I will let you know, OK??''

I think some people read in a book that one should ask questions since that shows that you're interested in others. But I just feel like i'm being interogated.

I hate making plans and hate feeling rushed becuase I made a commitment to be somewhere at X o'clock. I had to do that everyday weekday at work,

[azza33]

The only thing I plan is holidays -everything else is at random. I agree with most of what is wwritten.

Can't stand the misery my mates go through with the partners- I don't want that headache
I love to just do as I please when I want without consulting someone
I love driving 100 kn to play a golf course so that it feels like I'm the only one there

I am alone but rarely lonely - most people really add very little to equation when they are around anyways  

people generally bore me - but at least in here there are a few gentlemen on the forum with similar tastes  

I like dogs- they are loyal and can be trusted

[Bumpa STIKKA]

In my case a lot of formative years were spent (like most others) trying to impress. There is a sense of reward when people approve of you or what you do or what you have.

The only way to do this is to get out and mix with people... so I did.

I liked parties and going out and felt at ease with all people on all levels.

Something changed in me many many years ago. Part of it was the slow dawning that I was surrounding myself with idiots. This frustration was further compounded when I realized that not only were my friends and relatives idiots but everyone I met was an idiot.

I was extremely annoyed to find out that statements and opinions from so called experts were bloody useless and that almost everyone had about the same degree of expertise in anything as I had!

But the most infuriating thing for me was NOT listening to my own gut instincts and my own assessments and judgments. It's extremely annoying to 'know you were right all along!' while some arse gives you their fucking miserable directions or their way of doing something.

The biggest step forward in my life was to learn to be a listener without actually hearing anything!

Since I cut off my ties to the world of experts I have found an inner peace that religious people would give their souls for.

I have about 3 or 4 close friends, ONE family member and a few people that I really like.

They rarely bother me and I don't often bother them... but on the occasions that I do see them I'm extremely happy and comforted by knowing they are there and they actually get my shtick!

It's not easy being friends with me... just ask them!

Olay and I live quite isolated lives. We go out every day - but always it's just us. We don't go to see people very often and we don't go to bars or concerts or other crowded places. We choose the quiet days to go to the movies or to our favourite eateries...

If you are happy at home and in sync with your surroundings then the need to leave all that is minimal.

[JaiDee]

good spiel ......and remember the last part and stick by it, so when friends from all corners of the globe come-a-callin' and demand that you meet them at Guess Bar for 'just one drink' you can politely say "no thanks, I am happy right where I am'' and just keep on doing what you're doing.

I know when I visit Thailand these days only ONE person knows, and he is a hermit who stays inside with his girlfriend 95% of the time so I have no worries about him {heh heh}. If I were to tell more people I would get the 'well, lets meet up for dinner and/or drinks' lines and I frankly don't want that; as evidenced by this thread I want to be ALONE. Not to be rude or anything, I just don't like making any plans in advance; doing things "by ear'' are always best IMO and if I see people I know while I am out, great! We can have a chinwag....but setting shit up is plain annoying, I've felt like that for years.

Your problem is more unique because people know you live there, too bad really; try telling everyone you have moved to Sri Lanka or some shit.

[guydesavoy]

and

Learning (or at least being comfortable with) saying NO was a very liberating moment for me.