'Ye Olde' English sayings...

[DadManCat]

The sea wouldn't give her a wave.

The tide wouldn't take her out.

I wouldn't touch her with yours!

As welcome as a fart in a wet suit.

He has more chins than the chinese telephone directory.

[DadManCat]

A bear wouldn't give her a hug.

A face like a well slapped arse.

A great pair of lips for cooling soup.

[DadManCat]

Oooops, almost forgot,

A face like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle!

[allstar88]

faint heart never fucked a pig

[geezer]

You can try and make it idiot proof, but they'll just go and make a better idiot.

[batman4ever]

nobody knows the day before the bar close...

[anthony70]

you got more chance of knitting fog.

them lot would steal your eye balls, and come back for the lashes.

they,d pinch the milk out of your tea.

[strocube]

That dude is as queer as a tree full of parrots.

Like trying to stick a wet noodle up a tiger's ass. (too drunk to fuck)

Your mouth is writing checks your ass can't cash.

Mas fácil agarrarle el pipi al papa. (Literal trans: Easier to grab the pope's dick. Idiomatic equivalent: You've got a snowball's chance in hell.)

Cada vez que se muere un obispo. (Literal trans: Whenever a bishop dies. Idiomatic equivalent: Once in a blue moon.)

"Men are fools, but women are damn fools for putting up with them."-Mark Twain

"Working is the curse of the drinking classes." -Oscar Wilde

I know a lot more of these, I just can't think of any right now.  I will post more as they occur to me.