Jokes

[RobH667006]

Tom DeLay and George Bush were sat in a corner of a bar plotting a way of getting DeLay out from under his money laundering vharge without causing too much controversy when another customer comes in, walks straight over to their table, lifts Bush's dog's tail, sighs and wanders off to order a pint. Then another comes in, same again, straight over to the President's table, lifts the dog's tail, sighs and walks off to the bar.

This goes on for some time before Bush finally gets fed up. The next visitor comes in, over to the table, lifts the tail, sighs and is about to walk off when George grabs his arm. "What the hell is going on here? What are you doing man?"

The man replied "Well the barman's outside telling everyone there's a dog in his bar with two arseholes"
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A grizzled old Sergeant Major walks into a brothel, goes straight up to the Mamasan and says, "Excuse me Ma'am! How much would you charge for the pleasure of my company?"

The Madam replies, "For you soldier, two thousand Baht."

The Sergeant Major utters his thanks for the quote, draws himself up to his full 6 foot 4 inches, puffs his chest out and screams in his best parade-ground voice, "Company!!!!!!!! By the right!!! Quick MARCH! "

[thaibound]

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night.

They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response and the older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You don't want to do that! I don't think you should make him mad."

"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him in a burnt, crumpling mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

About a half hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big green head.

What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his ear, you don't want to mess with him!"