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Seriously, why the fuck do I even bother?
Guys, promise me that the next time the mere thought of going to Patpong enters my head, you will kick my teeth in and stomp on my face until I'm dead. OK?
What a fucking royal PAIN IN THE ASS!!!
(I'm going to curse a lot in this post
).
OK, so I'm in the neighborhood and I decide to drop by Patpong and see what's changed since the last time I suffered a seizure and wandered into that dump.
First, I have to run the guantlet of touts and tuk-tuk drivers before I even get into the soi. One guy--whose English vocabulary seemed limited to "Ping Pong?"--was particularly aggressive. As I crossed the street, he was already waving some tattered lamented sign at me and shouting "Ping Pong?" I tried to wave him off, but he didn't take the hint, and as I walked by, I repeatedly told him "No" to no avail. Finally, he makes a grab at my arm to slow me down, but ends up getting hold of my shirt and damn near ripping it off my back.
I turned on him and shouted, "What the fuck do you think you're doing!? I told you no already, now FUCK OFF!" As I turned to leave, he started shouting "Hey you! You!" at me, but I ignored him at walked off, leaving him sputtering.
Now, walking up and down that soi is a fucking pain in the ass. It's packed with slow-ass tourists and drunks, but heaven forbid you get caught up in traffic and slow down in front of a bar (or dare to glance in one). Because if you do that, half a dozen touts and skanks will literally try to drag you in by the arms.
So I walk up and down the soi for one turn to see what's new, but it looks to be the same old bullshit, only sadder and more pathetic. The girls look lazier and uglier, but in contrast, the touts seem hungrier and more aggressive. The girls seemed to be resigned to the fact that no matter what, there'll always be some loser out there who's drunk/desperate enough to fuck them, but the sex-tourists have mostly been replaced by SHOPPERS, and so the touts (who work on commission or tip-out from the girls, I bet), are probably on the verge of starvation/yabaa-withdrawl, and thefore they'll come after you without mercy.
With great hesitation, I decide to give KC3 a try. Last time, the overly agressive Amazons there drove me out of the bar before I could finish my beer. But this time, I figured they'd probably be a welcome relief from the constant stream of "Hey You's", "DVD-XXX's", "Ping Pong?'s", and "You Want Lady Massage?'s" I was being subjected to outside.
Turns out, the girls at KC3 seemed to have toned it down a notch (perhaps they got wind of all the negative online reviews or perhaps they've got a new mamasan in there who doesn't tolerate them head-thumping the customers who don't buy them ladydrinks).
Unfortunately, 90% of them are still butt-ugly by my standards (I think Willow is cuter than Buffy, so that gives you an idea of what my standards are). And even if they were acceptable, they did absolutely NOTHING to try to make the experience even remotely erotic. I kid you not, when the girls were on stage they stood there and watched TV!!!!
I did meet one girl who seemed nice. Let's call her "Tiny". She was short, petite and reasonably cute. She was pleasant to chat with, didn't push the lady drinks and helpfully tried to point out other girls she thought I might like too. All-in-all she was the one bright-spot in the whole pile of shit experience.
I should have bar-fined her, but being a moron, I decided to check out some other places. I crossed the street to that one other bar that has ladyboys (can't bother to remember the name). Meh. It wasn't worth the effort. Just more bored girls standing on the stage and gawking tourists looking like little kids who'd just found their dad's Playboy collection. I'm sorry, but I'm just not in the mood to be on display like a carnival freak. The ladyboys seemed to be mostly post-ops (yawn) and some of them had to be pushing 30 or even 40. I swear to you, one of the "girls" on stage had JOWLS!! Fuck. I'm hope I'm never hard-up enough to barfine a ladyboy with a double-chin!
So I left quickly and ducked back by Foodland to avoid the 50/50 tout/toursit ratio out on the main soi. Wandered around there for a bit, but the girls back there are even uglier, so my dick didn't even fidget. I also noticed some bars on the second level (never really looked up there before). So I wandered up there and found them to be mostly-empty karaoke bars populated with a few old Thai mafia guys. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Next, I considered checking out the new disco/coyote bar on the main soi, but the crowd of skanks and touts out front forced me to move on (note to bar owners everywhere: If you want people to consider climbing a flight of stairs to enter your club, you should NOT station a bunch of cackling OLD skanks and toothless OLD men out front). I actually had to tell the old guy out front, "If you touch me one more time, I'm going to beat the fucking shit out of you before any of your friends can pull me off." It was the only way I could get him to leave me alone and I wasn't even standing near the place, I was by the booths, looking at the insanely overpriced T-shirts.
So back around to the little side soi that runs past FoodLand. Hmmm.. There seems to be a new "strip club" back there, so I wandered over to have a look. I think it's imaginatively named "Strip Club", but honestly, they need to put a big neon sign over the door that says, "DON'T BOTHER!" or maybe "GET OUT YOUR WALLET YOU CUNT!".
First, the lamented card the girl showed me OUTSIDE the club, very prominently promised a private, full-contact show (everything including sex), for 500 baht. Great, sounds like a good deal, right?
Hah!
The drink/service card they show me on the INSIDE of the club conspicuously omits the promise of sex, and instead offers a private, six-song-long show in a curtained booth. But there's a reasonably cute girl dancing by the DJ booth so I decide to give it a go.
So I pick the girl and head to the booth, pay the mamasan 500 baht and she closes the curtain on us. So far, so good, and I'm thinking I'll bang this girl, right? WRONG. The first words out of her mouth are not "whats your name?" or anything similar, but rather "can you buy me ladydrink?"
HUH? I'm thinking: a ) show some interest in a conversation, bitch and I might just do that... and b )I just paid 500 baht for 6 songs worth of STRIPPING and hopefully FUCKING, I did NOT pay 500 baht to watch you sit on your ass and drink Pepsi!
I say "no", she starts dancing and for a moment, it's almost good. She's on the table above me gyrating reasonably well and I'm running my hands over her belly. Heck, I'm even starting to sport wood. But then I make the move to stick a FINGER under her bra. She covers up and says, "You pay me 500 baht if you want to see everything."
WTF!? Didn't I just do that? I give her a really pissed off look, and then I just sit back and ignore her--my hard-on completely dead. She tries to dance for a bit more, but then feels bad about the fact that I'm not even looking at her, and so she takes off her bra. Big whoop-de-doo.......... (yawn).
Finally, her songs are finished and she opens the curtain to call the waitress over for my bill. Guess what? The charged me 250 baht for a beer even though their drink cards clearly stated 150 baht. What, did they think I'd be too drunk to notice? That tore it for me. I was already in a foul mood over all the harassment I got just getting into this place, and then they try to pull that old scam on me. ARGH! So I told the mamasan-bitch (in Thai, which I normally don't do, but I wanted to make absolutely certain she understood me), "Look, it's only a hundred baht, so it's not like I care about the money. If your drink card had said 250, I would have paid 250, but since you feel you need to TRICK me out of 100 baht, then your sorry-assed bar doesn't deserve any more of my money!" And I walked out.
Fuck them.
It's no small wonder why their bar was practically empty, and if you ever have the misfortune of finding yourself in Patpong, DO NOT give any of your business to the "Strip Club" with curtain booths back by Foodland and that S&M club. They are FUCKING PRICKS!
So now, I'm in a right foul temper. And wanting to blow off some steam before booty-calling one of my friends, I decided to stop in the Twilo nightclub. Big mistake.
Yeah, Twilo is OK for Patpong, I guess. It's full of freelancers, gold-diggers, and horny/ugly girls that no Thai guy would ever touch. So they all come to Twilo in hopes of getting laid (and perhaps earning some money or maybe even getting knocked up so they can get that magically visa out of this shithole). Wonderful, oh well, at least some of them aren't totally ugly, so it makes for a nice view.
I buy a beer in the back bar, and because it's crowded, I walk around the outside to the front bar. Note, I did NOT go into the street. I stayed right along the edge of the building, between the tables. Plenty of other people were doing this as well. Except that when I get up to the front bar, I lean up against the railing only to have one of the servers try to pull my beer out of my hand.
He didn't ask if he could take it. He didn't say, "excuse me sir, where did you buy that?" Or anything like that. He just assumed that I'd walked up to Twilo with a beer and so he just grabbed the bottle in my hand. I actually held my temper for a minute and simply said, "No." But he persisted in trying to grab my beer and pull it out of my hand, so finally I yelled at him at full volume: "LISTEN YOU LITTLE FUCKWIT, I BOUGHT THIS BEER RIGHT HERE AT YOUR BACK BAR!! SO FUCK OFF! NOW!
The little fucker almost pissed himself, but he quickly ran off (probably to go check with the bartender in the back bar). Fortunately (sort of), the music is so frigg'n loud in that place that the people standing right next to me didn't even turn around. And as much as I like to hear live music, I didn't feel that listening to some half-rate Black-Eyed-Peas-wannabes (minus the black) scream out flavor-of-the-minute Top 40 tunes was worth getting tennitis. So I headed to the back bar again (this time through the inside door).
This time there's a fairly cute girl standing alone at the bar (which means freelancer), and she's wearing a nice sheer white dress. Looks good, I think, maybe tonight won't be a total waste. WRONG!
I walk up to her, chat a bit, and then we head for a short-time hotel. She'd wanted 2000, but I said 1500 was fair, so we went around the corner to some place across from the strip club (the Strand Hotel, I think? Someone correct me if I'm wrong). It was 600 baht for a short-time room, which raised an eyebrow, but the other place in Patpong is an absolute shit-pit (I don't think they even change the sheets), so I figured I give this place a try. And it was definitely much nicer than I expected. The kind of "love hotel" room you might take an actual mistress too. Clean sheets, tasteful lighting, and a nice bathroom with a warm shower. Maybe not worth 600 baht, but still nicer than any short time room I've seen.
So we start fucking and after about 5 minutes she starts complaining. "Oh you too big", "Oh jeab mahk mahk", "Why you not finish?", "You cum now, OK?", etc.... After about 10 minutes of this bleating, she finally says, "I have to go meet my friend now, I give you handjob to finish, OK?"
Um... NO.
I told her that "short-time" doesn't mean 15 minutes of boring sex, and that if she wanted any money at all, she'd better get on the phone and call one of her friends over to finish me off properly. So she uses my phone (another GREAT reason to have a second phone for shit like this, because then the bitch can't claim her phone is "batt-moat") to call her friend over. Her friend shows up, they agree to split the 1500, and the little bitch leaves. Great. Unfortunately, her friend isn't my type at all. At least the bitch was petite and cute, but this girl was a bit chunky. Not fat, but not the tight body I prefer. However, she gave a GREAT blowjob, and so I just closed my eyes and pretended I was with one of my ladyboy friends that I SHOULD have called instead of coming to this toilet of a soi.
In the end, I can say that Patpong is a COMPLETE WASTE OF TIME.
There is nothing, I repeat NOTHING, that redeems that soi. Leave it to the tourists looking to be fleeced, because if you set one foot on that soi, you're wasting a perfectly good night that could be spent picking foot fungus out of your toe while you watch paint dry.
Guys, promise me that the next time the mere thought of going to Patpong enters my head, you will kick my teeth in and stomp on my face until I'm dead. OK?
What a fucking royal PAIN IN THE ASS!!!
(I'm going to curse a lot in this post
).OK, so I'm in the neighborhood and I decide to drop by Patpong and see what's changed since the last time I suffered a seizure and wandered into that dump.
First, I have to run the guantlet of touts and tuk-tuk drivers before I even get into the soi. One guy--whose English vocabulary seemed limited to "Ping Pong?"--was particularly aggressive. As I crossed the street, he was already waving some tattered lamented sign at me and shouting "Ping Pong?" I tried to wave him off, but he didn't take the hint, and as I walked by, I repeatedly told him "No" to no avail. Finally, he makes a grab at my arm to slow me down, but ends up getting hold of my shirt and damn near ripping it off my back.
I turned on him and shouted, "What the fuck do you think you're doing!? I told you no already, now FUCK OFF!" As I turned to leave, he started shouting "Hey you! You!" at me, but I ignored him at walked off, leaving him sputtering.
Now, walking up and down that soi is a fucking pain in the ass. It's packed with slow-ass tourists and drunks, but heaven forbid you get caught up in traffic and slow down in front of a bar (or dare to glance in one). Because if you do that, half a dozen touts and skanks will literally try to drag you in by the arms.
So I walk up and down the soi for one turn to see what's new, but it looks to be the same old bullshit, only sadder and more pathetic. The girls look lazier and uglier, but in contrast, the touts seem hungrier and more aggressive. The girls seemed to be resigned to the fact that no matter what, there'll always be some loser out there who's drunk/desperate enough to fuck them, but the sex-tourists have mostly been replaced by SHOPPERS, and so the touts (who work on commission or tip-out from the girls, I bet), are probably on the verge of starvation/yabaa-withdrawl, and thefore they'll come after you without mercy.
With great hesitation, I decide to give KC3 a try. Last time, the overly agressive Amazons there drove me out of the bar before I could finish my beer. But this time, I figured they'd probably be a welcome relief from the constant stream of "Hey You's", "DVD-XXX's", "Ping Pong?'s", and "You Want Lady Massage?'s" I was being subjected to outside.
Turns out, the girls at KC3 seemed to have toned it down a notch (perhaps they got wind of all the negative online reviews or perhaps they've got a new mamasan in there who doesn't tolerate them head-thumping the customers who don't buy them ladydrinks).
Unfortunately, 90% of them are still butt-ugly by my standards (I think Willow is cuter than Buffy, so that gives you an idea of what my standards are). And even if they were acceptable, they did absolutely NOTHING to try to make the experience even remotely erotic. I kid you not, when the girls were on stage they stood there and watched TV!!!!
I did meet one girl who seemed nice. Let's call her "Tiny". She was short, petite and reasonably cute. She was pleasant to chat with, didn't push the lady drinks and helpfully tried to point out other girls she thought I might like too. All-in-all she was the one bright-spot in the whole pile of shit experience.
I should have bar-fined her, but being a moron, I decided to check out some other places. I crossed the street to that one other bar that has ladyboys (can't bother to remember the name). Meh. It wasn't worth the effort. Just more bored girls standing on the stage and gawking tourists looking like little kids who'd just found their dad's Playboy collection. I'm sorry, but I'm just not in the mood to be on display like a carnival freak. The ladyboys seemed to be mostly post-ops (yawn) and some of them had to be pushing 30 or even 40. I swear to you, one of the "girls" on stage had JOWLS!! Fuck. I'm hope I'm never hard-up enough to barfine a ladyboy with a double-chin!
So I left quickly and ducked back by Foodland to avoid the 50/50 tout/toursit ratio out on the main soi. Wandered around there for a bit, but the girls back there are even uglier, so my dick didn't even fidget. I also noticed some bars on the second level (never really looked up there before). So I wandered up there and found them to be mostly-empty karaoke bars populated with a few old Thai mafia guys. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Next, I considered checking out the new disco/coyote bar on the main soi, but the crowd of skanks and touts out front forced me to move on (note to bar owners everywhere: If you want people to consider climbing a flight of stairs to enter your club, you should NOT station a bunch of cackling OLD skanks and toothless OLD men out front). I actually had to tell the old guy out front, "If you touch me one more time, I'm going to beat the fucking shit out of you before any of your friends can pull me off." It was the only way I could get him to leave me alone and I wasn't even standing near the place, I was by the booths, looking at the insanely overpriced T-shirts.
So back around to the little side soi that runs past FoodLand. Hmmm.. There seems to be a new "strip club" back there, so I wandered over to have a look. I think it's imaginatively named "Strip Club", but honestly, they need to put a big neon sign over the door that says, "DON'T BOTHER!" or maybe "GET OUT YOUR WALLET YOU CUNT!".
First, the lamented card the girl showed me OUTSIDE the club, very prominently promised a private, full-contact show (everything including sex), for 500 baht. Great, sounds like a good deal, right?
Hah!
The drink/service card they show me on the INSIDE of the club conspicuously omits the promise of sex, and instead offers a private, six-song-long show in a curtained booth. But there's a reasonably cute girl dancing by the DJ booth so I decide to give it a go.
So I pick the girl and head to the booth, pay the mamasan 500 baht and she closes the curtain on us. So far, so good, and I'm thinking I'll bang this girl, right? WRONG. The first words out of her mouth are not "whats your name?" or anything similar, but rather "can you buy me ladydrink?"
HUH? I'm thinking: a ) show some interest in a conversation, bitch and I might just do that... and b )I just paid 500 baht for 6 songs worth of STRIPPING and hopefully FUCKING, I did NOT pay 500 baht to watch you sit on your ass and drink Pepsi!
I say "no", she starts dancing and for a moment, it's almost good. She's on the table above me gyrating reasonably well and I'm running my hands over her belly. Heck, I'm even starting to sport wood. But then I make the move to stick a FINGER under her bra. She covers up and says, "You pay me 500 baht if you want to see everything."
WTF!? Didn't I just do that? I give her a really pissed off look, and then I just sit back and ignore her--my hard-on completely dead. She tries to dance for a bit more, but then feels bad about the fact that I'm not even looking at her, and so she takes off her bra. Big whoop-de-doo.......... (yawn).
Finally, her songs are finished and she opens the curtain to call the waitress over for my bill. Guess what? The charged me 250 baht for a beer even though their drink cards clearly stated 150 baht. What, did they think I'd be too drunk to notice? That tore it for me. I was already in a foul mood over all the harassment I got just getting into this place, and then they try to pull that old scam on me. ARGH! So I told the mamasan-bitch (in Thai, which I normally don't do, but I wanted to make absolutely certain she understood me), "Look, it's only a hundred baht, so it's not like I care about the money. If your drink card had said 250, I would have paid 250, but since you feel you need to TRICK me out of 100 baht, then your sorry-assed bar doesn't deserve any more of my money!" And I walked out.
Fuck them.
It's no small wonder why their bar was practically empty, and if you ever have the misfortune of finding yourself in Patpong, DO NOT give any of your business to the "Strip Club" with curtain booths back by Foodland and that S&M club. They are FUCKING PRICKS!
So now, I'm in a right foul temper. And wanting to blow off some steam before booty-calling one of my friends, I decided to stop in the Twilo nightclub. Big mistake.
Yeah, Twilo is OK for Patpong, I guess. It's full of freelancers, gold-diggers, and horny/ugly girls that no Thai guy would ever touch. So they all come to Twilo in hopes of getting laid (and perhaps earning some money or maybe even getting knocked up so they can get that magically visa out of this shithole). Wonderful, oh well, at least some of them aren't totally ugly, so it makes for a nice view.
I buy a beer in the back bar, and because it's crowded, I walk around the outside to the front bar. Note, I did NOT go into the street. I stayed right along the edge of the building, between the tables. Plenty of other people were doing this as well. Except that when I get up to the front bar, I lean up against the railing only to have one of the servers try to pull my beer out of my hand.
He didn't ask if he could take it. He didn't say, "excuse me sir, where did you buy that?" Or anything like that. He just assumed that I'd walked up to Twilo with a beer and so he just grabbed the bottle in my hand. I actually held my temper for a minute and simply said, "No." But he persisted in trying to grab my beer and pull it out of my hand, so finally I yelled at him at full volume: "LISTEN YOU LITTLE FUCKWIT, I BOUGHT THIS BEER RIGHT HERE AT YOUR BACK BAR!! SO FUCK OFF! NOW!
The little fucker almost pissed himself, but he quickly ran off (probably to go check with the bartender in the back bar). Fortunately (sort of), the music is so frigg'n loud in that place that the people standing right next to me didn't even turn around. And as much as I like to hear live music, I didn't feel that listening to some half-rate Black-Eyed-Peas-wannabes (minus the black) scream out flavor-of-the-minute Top 40 tunes was worth getting tennitis. So I headed to the back bar again (this time through the inside door).
This time there's a fairly cute girl standing alone at the bar (which means freelancer), and she's wearing a nice sheer white dress. Looks good, I think, maybe tonight won't be a total waste. WRONG!
I walk up to her, chat a bit, and then we head for a short-time hotel. She'd wanted 2000, but I said 1500 was fair, so we went around the corner to some place across from the strip club (the Strand Hotel, I think? Someone correct me if I'm wrong). It was 600 baht for a short-time room, which raised an eyebrow, but the other place in Patpong is an absolute shit-pit (I don't think they even change the sheets), so I figured I give this place a try. And it was definitely much nicer than I expected. The kind of "love hotel" room you might take an actual mistress too. Clean sheets, tasteful lighting, and a nice bathroom with a warm shower. Maybe not worth 600 baht, but still nicer than any short time room I've seen.
So we start fucking and after about 5 minutes she starts complaining. "Oh you too big", "Oh jeab mahk mahk", "Why you not finish?", "You cum now, OK?", etc.... After about 10 minutes of this bleating, she finally says, "I have to go meet my friend now, I give you handjob to finish, OK?"
Um... NO.
I told her that "short-time" doesn't mean 15 minutes of boring sex, and that if she wanted any money at all, she'd better get on the phone and call one of her friends over to finish me off properly. So she uses my phone (another GREAT reason to have a second phone for shit like this, because then the bitch can't claim her phone is "batt-moat") to call her friend over. Her friend shows up, they agree to split the 1500, and the little bitch leaves. Great. Unfortunately, her friend isn't my type at all. At least the bitch was petite and cute, but this girl was a bit chunky. Not fat, but not the tight body I prefer. However, she gave a GREAT blowjob, and so I just closed my eyes and pretended I was with one of my ladyboy friends that I SHOULD have called instead of coming to this toilet of a soi.
In the end, I can say that Patpong is a COMPLETE WASTE OF TIME.
There is nothing, I repeat NOTHING, that redeems that soi. Leave it to the tourists looking to be fleeced, because if you set one foot on that soi, you're wasting a perfectly good night that could be spent picking foot fungus out of your toe while you watch paint dry.
I usually call her and have her come to me...but this last trip I had to go and fetch her at her bar on several occasions...
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