The Book is Finally Published!

[manarak]

What's the ISBN number of the book?

[Nemisis]

(manarak @ Apr. 26 2010,15:45) What's the ISBN number of the book?

Currently this blurb publishing company does not have that ISBN facility yet. So the book cannot be sold in the usual book stores in the street, only through their on-line book store at the moment. The link is here;
http://www.blurb.com/bookstore/detail/1200741

[Nemisis]

Chapter 24 €“ The Crocodile Farm

We all get up early the next morning, and hoped into the jeep and first stopped at the Crocodile Farm (Million Year Stone Park) on the way to the €˜Golden Buddha.' We arrived there early around 9am, and it was nice and quiet just before the first tourists came. Welsh Paul had been there a couple of days before, and back in the hotel the night before, he was telling me about getting photos taken with a tiger and crocodile, and wanted to do that, but he didn't bring enough money that time. So this time we were prepared, and I really wanted a photo with a tiger, and the crocodile, so we went mainly for that.

We all walked down to where the tigers are kept, and Jesus it was a bit of a shock to see how big they are. We were a bit early, the tiger was sleeping soundly, so I walked over to the Thai guy there, and told him I wanted my photo taken, which was 200 baht. While they took their photos, Paul and I could take extra photos with our own camera. So as the tiger was in dreamland, the guy got up, grabbed a long stick, and started to whack the tiger on the head to wake it up. Boy was that tiger pissed off, and not only from the fact that it was awoke from its beauty sleep, but getting hit over the head with a big stick, as it was angrily growling back at him, mouth wide open, and ears pinned back. Then the guy said, "OK Sir! You can sit down now!" I'm thinking to myself, €˜Are you fucking kidding? You've just pissed off the damn thing,' and I reluctantly sat down thinking, €˜I hope this fucking thing had its breakfast already.'

When I sat down I remember thinking, €˜Fuck me! This damn thing is as big as a horse,' and then I was asked to put my arms around it, to pose for the photos, "Put my arms around it? Are you sure I don't need a saddle for this big fucker?" The mouth of the tiger was wide open, and I remember thinking my whole head would only be a mouthful to this tiger, while I sat there with my arms around it, as white as a ghost. While the Thai guy was taking the big photo, Welsh Paul snapped away with our camera saying, "He don't like you," with a cheeky laugh. I was sitting there trying to talk through the side of my mouth, as if not to draw any attention of the tiger, "For fuck sake! Will you hurry up and take the damn photos...before he has me for dinner!" And the Thai guy said, "Don't worry sir! Tiger eat already, only half hour before!"

So after that was done and dusted, it was Welsh Paul's turn, "Right mate give me the camera, and get your ass down there beside the tiger" "Ah, emmm no! I think I'll do it later, when the tiger gets calmed down a bit." "Oh you fucking chicken shit, after me going through that." "Well yes! I fancy going home in one piece. I don't want to be going back to Holland, carrying my arm in a plastic bag, asking a doctor, €˜Here can you sew this back on mate?' I will get my photo taken with the crocodile, after the show." "Alright then, but you better this time!"

So we all headed up to the crocodile show which was just about to start, when Welsh Paul stopped outside it, "I'm not going in to see the show, if I do I might chicken out, and will not get the photo. I'll just wait until the show is over ... then go straight in and get it over with." So I waited outside with him, while the two girls went in to watch the show. As soon as the show was over, I dragged him in, and tossed a coin to see who was going first, which of course was me. Nobody volunteered for the photos, but there was a bunch of Japanese there snapping away with their cameras, waiting to see if there was any one mug enough to do it. Of course, that mug was me.

I walked into the fenced show area, and walked down the center which resembled three small tiled islands, sloping into about a meter of water with 20 crocodiles in it. I always thought there was something in the water to make the crocodiles docile, but I found it was not the case. Only myself, the guy who did the show, and a photographer was only allowed in at any one time, I guess that's to keep the body count down if anything happened. The Thai guy stroked the nose of the crocodile, with a little stick, which I have seen the same thing being done in Florida, as it must be some kind of soothing hypnotic thing they all do. While he did that, I came up behind it, and stood along side the crocodile, between its back and front legs, when the Thai guy said, "Ok Sir! You can sit down now!"

Now just when I was lifting my leg over the crocodile, to saddle it, the damn things head spun around, and snapped at my leg that was still on the ground, and at the same split second, the Thai guy shouted, "Don't sit down, don't sit down!" Well needless to say I was like an Olympic gymnast, and took this 6 meter backward leap, and stood there thinking where's the door, and all the while Welsh Paul along with the Japanese tourists, were snapping vigorously away, thinking they daren't miss this event of the one legged Irishman.

I almost changed my mind about the whole thing, and the Thai guy assured me it wouldn't happen again, as if I didn't carry on with the plot, he will get no more volunteers to make money on photos, from this particular show. He calmed the crocodile down again, and told me it was OK to sit. So I did the same thing, approached it from behind, stopped along side it, lifted one leg over it, and then sat down on it. "Right hurry up and take the bloody photos," but the Thai guy said no not until I grabbed its top jaw, and pull its mouth open, "You fucking what? You're the one that gets paid for the shows...not me!" But the Thai guy just laughed, and said he wasn't going to take the photo until I did it. I guess it was a ploy to reassure the tourists that there was nothing to it.

So what could I do, there I am sitting on a crocodile, and no bastard to take a photo, except for Welsh Paul, and the Japanese. Then I thought I would do a sly move by grabbing it by the lips, keeping my fingers away from its teeth, so if it snaps shut at least I'll still have my fingers. And of course, there's this Irish idiot sitting on the back of a crocodile, with one hand fumbling away at the nose of it, looking for its lips, "Ahhh fuck no! The bastard has no lips!" Just to get it over with, I stuck my fingers in between its jagged top row of teeth, and pulled its jaws open, and sat there like a twat, hoping the crocodile didn't snap them shut, and the Thai photographer took a couple of snaps of it.

The next thing was, as I got up the Thai guy said, "We take one more photo, this time for free!" "Free?" "Yes, yes! I want you to come round to the front of its mouth, open its jaws, and then stick your balls in its mouth, like this!" Showing me a part of the show which he does this, "Are you fucking crazy? I still have a couple of weeks left of my holiday, and I need my cock for that. I maybe could do without an arm or a leg, but I can't do without my cock." The Thai guy just laughed, as I scrambled out of the show area. When I reached Welsh Paul, I grabbed the camera and said, "Right! It's your turn." "Are you fucking kidding me? That crocodile almost had you there mate, there's no way I'm doing that!"

So while I was taunting Mr. Chickenshit, on the way out of the crocodile show area, the little Thai guy who was beating the tiger earlier, came running up to us and said, "Quick, quick! Come and look, come and look," all excited. He hurried us all down to a hut in the fenced-in tigers compound. As we slipped inside the hut the Thai guy said, "This lucky for you to see this...because you first customer today ... and bring me luck!" And we all stood around a female tiger, giving birth to a new born tiger cub. The Thai guy explained it was a rare thing to see, even the Thais that worked in the park for years had never witnessed such a thing, and to see this would bring good luck. That was probably the highlight of the trip, as many people could say, they had their photo taken with a tiger or a crocodile, but how many of them can say they witnessed a tiger cub being born.

After this event, we started to roam around the park, and I'm still pissed off as I couldn't get a laugh with Welsh Paul, with the tiger and the crocodile. But revenge was just around the corner, because as the four of us walked, we came across the ostriches, which in those days were just in a fenced in corral, and the fence was no higher than an average person's neck. So big balls Welsh Paul, thought taking on these big birds would be a piece of cake, after all they were only birds, which didn't have big jagged teeth to tear a person to shreds.

So he buys a couple of bunches of bananas to feed them with, just like every other tourist, and walked over to the fence and started to feed one of them. The long neck of the bird soon came over the fence, pecking away at the banana in Paul's outstretched hand, but the pecking started to get a little frantic, which made Paul take a step back from the fence. Then his out stretched hand wasn't so out stretched anymore, and he was holding the banana now close to his chest, but the big bird's neck seemed to get longer over this fence, and was able to still reach Paul easily, making Paul bend backwards, afraid of getting pecked to death.

Boring! I thought, after the morning I had, so the two girls and I left him there, to tame this monster, and we walked on, to take a look around. Five minutes later, we stopped so I could take a photo of the girls, when suddenly I hear a cry in the distance ahead of us, "Help! Help! Help!" All of a sudden, Paul appeared in the distance in front of us, running across the path we were on, with the banana still in his hand, and the ostrich in hot pursuit, followed by three park workers with a net. We laughed and walked on, and a minute later, we hear the same cries for help behind us, and we turn around to see Paul running across the path again, throwing the banana away, followed by the ostrich, and the three workers trying to catch it with the net. It seemed that the ostrich was not interested in the banana, and more interested in fucking Paul.

Amy turned around and said, "Ha, ha, ha, vely funny...look like Benny Hill show." "What you mean Benny Hill?" "Yes, yes. When show finish...have many people run, run, run after Benny Hill, but here more funny, because have big bird running also." Then Paul's girl asked me, "Why bird go after Paul...he have no banana?" "Bird want to fuck Paul." "What?" So we ignored Paul zigzagging around the park, as we walked on, while I explained that sometimes ostriches have a sexual attraction to humans. "Ha, ha! Maybe Paul have sore ass, same, same, me before, when he try to fuck my ass...good for him!"

Eventually Paul caught up with us when they captured the ostrich, then we picked up the photos on the way out, and then drove to the golden Buddha that afternoon, but it was quite boring after the morning we just had. Ever since that day, I normally take who ever I'm with out for a day there, if they haven't been before, but that day I will never forget, and any other time it had been quite tame in comparison.

[Nemisis]

Chapter 25 €“ Christmas Day & the New Millennium

Christmas day, must have been the best ever, as we pondered over what to do, Welsh Paul came up with an idea, that was more interesting than hunting around for a Christmas dinner some place, just like the rest of the tourists were scrambling to do. Like Paul said, we might as well be at home if we thought that was so important, and it was better to do something different. So we all met up in the lobby, and took a stroll down to the beach around 9am. There were too many speed boats moored up on the beach, so we started at one end, and haggled our way up, asking prices to hire one out for the day. We must have asked only three of them, which were all looking 1500 baht, but the forth we got down to 800 baht, so we hopped on board, and spent the whole day island hopping, to the rest of the islands off the coast, other than Koh Larn island.

It was great spending Christmas morning lazing on a white sandy beach, and ordering Thai barbecue fish and other dishes, and getting massages, while the girls got their hair braded and their nails manicured. The guy that owned the boat just sat in the background, until we got bored, give him a wave, then he would take us to another beach on a different island. Relaxing on deck chairs, getting a bit of sun, Paul bursts out laughing, "What are you laughing about Paul?" "I'm just thinking about the lads back home, and what they would be doing now...poor bastards."

We managed to get back to Pattaya around 7pm without getting drowned, as the Thai guy had a bit of trouble with the currents on the way back, it turned out it was a bit of a red flag day. We headed back to the hotel and freshened up, then we all went out to dinner in the Ruen Thai Restaurant, and spent the evening there. We all had an early night as we were tired from the days outing, and Amy had to go back to Bangkok to go around collecting her monthly shares of the businesses she had, but promised it would only take two days, and then she would be back. She knew I might be fucking around for them two days, and said it was fine by her, as long as I used condoms.

Amy took off early the next morning to Bangkok using Mr. T's taxi, I went for something to eat in the Royal Garden Plaza, and checked what movies were on. Then I took it into my head to look for my old Mick O'Mouse Bar in Soi Post Office around the corner. I was told that it was changed into a Kodak shop, and was mistakenly looking for that, and couldn't find it. So I concentrated on which shop house it used to be located, and as I was standing outside the €˜Pump Station Bar,' the little cashier and daughter of the owner spotted me and called me in, so I thought I'd go for a cold one, and have a chat.

I asked her where the Kodak shop was, and she told me it was the same place, but it didn't last very long. (I guess the new owner didn't get along with the ghost.) Then it was changed back to a bar which the owner of the building started, and turned out to be her mother, as they were having too much trouble renting it out. This is when I realized it was my old place when I went for a piss through the old kitchen I built. That's the time I played €˜Mystic Meg' on the staff (as in chapter 15).

That evening I didn't bother mongering, and just went out on the piss at my friend's bar, and wouldn't take anyone back to the hotel, still thinking that it might cause a problem with Amy, even when she gave me permission to do so. But while I was sitting at a bar, the bloke beside me struck up a conversation with the usual, "First time mate?" "No its not!" "Well it's my sixth time here, I seem to be getting the hang of it now, and I think I've got the whole in's and out's of the place!" "For fuck sake you never stop learning about this place, no matter how many trips you've got under your belt!" "Why? How long have you been coming here?" "Going on 20 years, and lived here for several of those years, and I'm still getting the hang of it!" "Fuck me! 20 years! It must have been very cheap back in those days!"

As soon as he said that, he reminded me of my old mate who had the first massage bar next door to me in Soi Post Office, back in the days when I had the Mick O'Mouse. He was French and thought a concept of mixing his bar with a cheap massage upstairs, and might do well as it was different from the rest of the bars. So he emptied the floor above the bar, just threw down around eight mattresses on the floor, and sectioned them all off for privacy with a curtain, not unlike the hundreds of little massage places dotted around Pattaya today.

Anyhow, sitting with this bloke, I started to tell him about a little adventure I had with Frenchie back then, when one day he came to me and asked me would I go with him to Vientiane in Laos to buy some property, as he was afraid to go alone. Laos had just opened up, and started to let the first foreigners in. He wanted to get in there early to strike while the iron was hot, and get a bargain. So I'm standing there with a mug of tea in my hand, bored to tears in the middle of low season. "Ahk fuck it! Why not? When do we go?"

So a couple of days later we were crossing the Laos border into Vientiane, where we rented out a bungalow and hired two lovelies as maids, for the purpose of cooking, cleaning, and sex. We went around looking at all sorts of properties, which the government were selling off to generate funds. We came across some fantastic bargains until Frenchie fell in love with one particular place.

It was a building that had eight floors, even had a working elevator, and would make a great little hotel, but it wasn't the eye catcher as it needed a hell of a lot of fixing up, but it came with a good bit of land that surrounded it. Right in the middle of this land, was an old temple in ruin, which was almost surrounded by a large pond. He was told if he purchased it, he would own the whole lot, but he was not to do anything with the temple, and to leave it as it was. All sorts of ideas were running through Frenchie's head, and he was thinking of putting a small golf course around the temple ruins and pond. The whole package was $60,000, but mind you it would have cost just as much again to fix it all up. But you would never get a bargain like that any where else, even in Thailand back in those days.

So Frenchie did the deal, and after a week started to relax and found the place to be pretty safe to do the rest on his own, and wanted to stay there for the next couple of months, to get the tradesmen and builders in to start fixing the place up. I had no time for that, after that week I left him there to get on with it, and he wanted me to keep an eye on his massage place back in Pattaya while he was away. The day I left him there, I was just putting my hand in my pocket to pay off my maid, when he stopped me, "No, no Paul! I'll take care of that, as you helped me out a lot. I am thinking of keeping the two of them for myself while I am here!" "Ok! Fair enough! See you in a couple of months then!"

Two months down the road, I'm taking care of his business along with my own, wondering has this French twat survived all this time, when one afternoon as I was sitting outside my bar, I spotted him walking up the street. A big smile appeared on his face when he saw me, but he was also moving his head from side to side in a negative manner. I thought to myself €˜Oh no! He's fucked up by the looks of things,' and couldn't wait for him to reach me, to tell me the news. After reaching me he sat down beside me still nodding his head with that bewildered smile on his face, "What's happened to you? Don't tell me you fucked up on the deal?" "No, no Paul! Everything is going according to plan!" "Well what's up with you?" "Well you remember the bungalow we stayed in!" "Yes of course!" "Well I bought that also, so I could stay there while the work is being done!" "Oh nice one. So what's the problem?" "Well you remember the two girls we hired for maids and I kept the two of them for the past two months!" "Yes you lucky bastard! How was it?" "Oh Paul it was fantastic! I was fucking the two of them every night and day. They did the shopping, cleaning, and cooking, and really Paul the sex was too much. I glad I'm back here in Pattaya for a rest. I don't want to see another pussy for a long time!"

"Well it sounds like you had a ball! So what's the problem?" "Well Paul! With all my running around the past two months, getting paperwork done, getting the builders sorted out, and paying for this and that, I forgot about paying the two girls salary, until early this morning just before I left to come to Pattaya. I took out a pile of cash from my pocket and started to count out their wages, when they stopped me, and told me they didn't want money. So I asked them what did they want, and they pointed over to the chairs in the living room and said, "We want a chair each!"

"You what? Stupid chairs, for two months shagging, cooking and cleaning...are you serious?" "Yes Paul! That's why I've been still trying to get my head around it, all the way back to Pattaya!" So what did you do?" "I just told them to take what they wanted, and they picked up a chair each, and walked down the road happy as Larry!"

Now, that had the two of us sitting there nodding our heads from side to side, trying to get our heads around it, until he mentioned as they were walking away, they did mumble something about trading the chairs for something they really needed in the market, as the cash was worthless really. So the penny dropped when I remembered a trip four of us made to Saigon a few months previous, to buy US military jeeps, that were sitting in a warehouse there, and were never used, since the war.

This came about when Dave, (who set up the stuntman company with Harry in Bangkok, during the making of the movie €˜Good Morning Vietnam') strolled into my bar one morning, and asked me did I fancy a little adventure. He explained that he had already made the trip on his own along with a translator, and drove all the way through Cambodia, all the way down to Saigon, found the warehouse the jeeps were in, and bought one for $500. He drove it all the way back to Bangkok, and sold it to the American Ambassador for $5,000.

Now the American Ambassador wanted four more, which some friends of his ordered, and Dave was a man short. At this time, Cambodia and Vietnam was closed to foreigners, and the trip down there was pretty hairy, getting through check-points. But we managed to get there in one piece, and it was only for the fact that the four of us were Irish passport holders. I remember Dave telling us to bring plenty of American cigarettes, even if any of us didn't smoke. We soon realized why, when we got there, as again the money was worthless, and it turned out we could trade the cigarettes better than cash.

I remember getting a beer and a hamburger, for five cigarettes. And it cost a pack of 20 cigarettes for a girl for the whole night's sex. They in turn could trade the cigarettes in the market, for something they really needed.

Well back to sitting at the Pattaya bar with this bloke, listening to the yarns. We had a good skin full of drink and I didn't get back to the hotel until 5am, so I had a good lay in bed until late that afternoon. The sun was going down and I was thinking on picking up something for the night, when in walked Amy. She kept the taxi the whole time and used it to go around everywhere she had to go, leaving some places till after the New Year, and came straight back. To be honest I was glad to see her back, as I was very comfortable with her.

I guess being faithful that night put a feather in my cap as far Amy was concerned, even though I had permission, and most likely was a sort of test. Any way that was it, for the rest of the holiday we were not to leave each other's side. But I laid down some ground rules, as we were living far away from each other, and she wanted to do something or someone else, she would have to tell me up front, and never bullshit me, and that anything she wanted to do was fine with me, and I would understand.

Then it came to New Year's Eve, and Amy and I had been invited to Winai's bar for a party, to bring in the New Year. Waiting for Amy to get dressed in the room, I had to laugh. She put on this expensive white evening dress, which she got especially made, but was a bit loose and big in the chest department. The next thing I see her stuffing a whole roll of toilet tissue down her bra, while standing at the mirror. "What the fuck are you doing girl?" "Ieee, Ieee, Ieee, make dress special for me!" "Got it made special! Well how come they didn't get the measurements right?" She laughed, "Ieee, Ieee, Ieee, have idea! But I not tell you yet!" Then after stuffing the tissue down her bra, she spun around and posed, "Well what you think Paul?" "Yes! Very nice, and very handy if I need a shit in an emergency." "What?" "Never, mind!"

We had a great night, Amy had a few drinks and got merry, and started to stand on the rung of the stool. She would rise up doing that fucking snake charmer thing that she does to the music, with me grabbing her by the shoulder and pulling her back down on the stool, in case everyone thought I was with a nutter. Some fat old ugly German lesbian kept on sending over bottles of champagne to the two of us, then made her way over to chat up Amy, and wanted to go back to the room with us. Amy didn't seem to mind her advances, and I just thought she was being polite.

A week later, we all parted at the airport, and when Welsh Paul and I got back to Holland, he said he wasn't going back to Thailand as he wanted her to come over to Holland for three months, to see how it would work out. He was still annoyed about her still going on about Irish Paul this, Irish Paul that, which I just ignored again. In order to get her a visa, he would have to get his own place again, and re-register with the city hall, and as I went through it all before I helped him out about the whole thing. But me, I arranged to go back to see Amy in the summer for a month. During that time, I rarely bumped into Paul, until four months down the road, I bumped into his Thai girlfriend walking in the town center, and she told me she was already here over two months, and wasn't allowed to visit or talk to me. It seemed that more or less when she first came over, the first thing she asked him was, "Where is Irish Paul," and he got the right hump. I guess the jealousy got the better of the silly twat in the end. Because of that, our friendship drifted apart.

Needless to say, things didn't work out with the two of them, and the last thing I heard was that Welsh Paul was working in another country, and sending money back to his €˜shemale' girlfriend, to build them both a house in South America. Fair play to him anyway, but in the meantime, Amy was calling me up twice a week, then after a month, a week went by and she didn't call, and I thought, ah well she's probably got someone else, what a shame, ah well there thousands more where she came from.

Then I checked up on the micro-light aircraft courses, which the cheapest was in Belgium, and it turned out that the cost of one lesson was the same price as the whole complete package, license and all in Pattaya, making Belgium ten times more expensive. So I scraped up a bit of extra cash for it, as I was determined to do that.

But after that week Amy calls me up all excited, "Daling, daling, I have big milk, I have big milk!" I could hardly hear her for the sound of rushing water in the background, so I said, "I can hardly hear you Amy. What are you doing? Are you washing something?" "Oh! No, no, I go toilet and I think about you." Fuck me I thought, she only thinks about me when she's having a piss now. "What you mean big milk?" (Picturing bottles of milk in my head.) She tried to explain it again, but I still didn't get it, so I said, "My kow jai...put Thai see (I don't understand...Speak Thai)." Then as soon as she said "Nom yai (big breasts)," Then the penny dropped, and now I understood about the white evening dress thing, which she must have got made to fit the big tits she had in mind to get.

She told me she got the top of the range at 80,000 baht, which was not the hard silicone type, but a soft water type, which was more realistic. I had four weeks to go and couldn't wait till I got my hands on them. Four weeks later I was pulling up at the hotel in Pattaya, with Amy sitting waiting at the bar. And as we got to the room, we barely got the door closed, we were ripping each others clothes off, and had a right old session for hours, and boy you want to see those tits, they were unbelievable.

The next morning I headed off to the Airpark, and enrolled for the flight courses, which was 37,000 baht for 20 flight hours, and 5,000 baht for 20 hours ground school, and took me 10 days total to get my license, and I also managed to get two solo skydive jumps, after taking some documents with me this time. And in-between all this we were like two lovebirds doing the usual things, bowling, shooting, island hopping, etc. But didn't hit the bars so much because of the flight courses. I didn't worry about money, even Amy insisted on going Dutch, taking turns on paying for dinner or outings. I was in my element at that time, and being 42 then, I remember that saying, "Life begins at 40," and it really did mean something to me.

The only disagreement we had was what the next step would be in our relationship. I wanted her to come over to Holland for 3 months, but she was reluctant because of being away from her businesses, and wanted me to come back to Thailand permanently, where she wanted to take care of me. I told her I needed to work, and she just said I didn't have to, but if I wanted I could work at something. Then I explained to her that I needed to take care of a pension, as I had gaps working around the world, and didn't pay into a scheme, and now that I was in Holland I was back on track, but she didn't understand, as to her, money was no object. At the same time I was thinking, if we had a real argument, after me leaving everything, I could be out on my ear, without any back-up.

Anyway that month went, and I was back in Holland and was not able to return to Thailand until March 2001 the following year, nine months later. During that time she sent me a photo of a house she was building me up in Chang Mai, and always asking questions about what kind of bathroom did I want, and where did I want it etc. She was still pushing for me to stay there in Thailand.

[Nemisis]

Chapter 26 €“ The Farmer & the Snake

March took a long time to come, but I arrived in the end safely, and as usual Amy was there to greet me, over the moon to see me, but moaning that it's been a long time. I told her it was her own fault; she should have come for at least a month to Holland to break the long period up, and that way she could take a look around and maybe she would like the place. But anyway, we booked the same hotel, and as usual had a right session in the room, and just ordered room service. The next morning Amy went for her usual jog, after me telling her not to forget to come back, and I called the airpark to arrange a flight and a jump.

That afternoon we went shopping, and visited the temple, then had something to eat, all the while Amy was going on and on about the house she was building me. I said, "Amy the house is not my house, it's yours." "No! No! I make papers for you with lawyer...house is yours...because something happen to me...you have no problems." Well that was the first time I heard something like that in Thailand. She was dying to take me up to Chang Mai to see the family, and go to see the new house, so I told her after the flight and jump, we would head up there. At this time I didn't realize she wasn't too happy about my new hobby, but didn't say anything, as it was something I wanted to do. It had something to do with losing her first husband, and not wanting to go through that all again. I told her it was like riding a bicycle, but she just responded with, "Yeh!...but you ride bicycles on the ground naa!"

So after I did my hobby, and went around in the evening to call in on some friends, we ran into the little femboy in Soi 9, and took her out to dinner. Called in on Winai, and then met up with Bob in the Boomerang, where he arranged another shooting competition the following week. And when all that was done, we headed up to Chiang Mai. We stayed in a small hotel close by the house, then visited her family, where I found out, it wasn't her blood parents, but adopted, as she lost her real parents when she was young. After the usual feasting, the next day we inspected the new house, which had plenty of land. Amy had a plan to use some of it for a bonsai tree nursery for some reason, and talking about when we are older, having something to do. I liked the idea, but I still had my stubborn pride, about her looking after me.

A day or so later she had an idea to take me to a place in Chang Rai, and as she knew where she was going so I just followed. We checked into a small hotel on highway 1, freshened up and took a couple of motorcycle taxis, to one of the most unbelievable places I had ever been too, and it was the highlight of the whole trip. It was the €˜Wat Rong Khun' or €˜The White Temple.' It was a project started in 1977 by a famous Thai artist and his volunteer students, and is still not completed yet. The art work was superb and I was fascinated by it, and really glad Amy took me there.

After a few days we went back to Pattaya, won the shooting competition this time, and did the usual things for the rest of the holiday, all the while Amy was still pushing me to come and stay with her, but I stood my ground and told her to come to Holland first, to see how she'd like it. When I returned to Holland, I found because of work, I was not going to be able to get back to Thailand until the following year, 2002. And when I broke the news to Amy over the phone, there was a silent pause, then she had the hump with me not taking her up on her offer, and I had the hump with her not coming over to Holland.

Then the phone calls stopped for about a month, and suddenly she called me up and said, "Hello darling... You remember you told me not to bullshit you!" "Yes Amy, what is it?" "Well I have vely vely rich old Italian man...want melly (marry) me... So I think I tell you first!" "It's OK Amy, you go ahead... and I wish you all the best." And so we left it at that. Then a month later, she called me up again and said, "I not melly rich man...I tell him, I love poor man." I told her I had already made my mind up, and that she should get on with her life. As I was well seasoned it didn't really bother me at all, and just thought it was a shame we couldn't work things out.

2002 came quick, and I was looking forward on going there as a free man again. First night hit Soi 9, and figured I might try a LB for a change. So I sat in a few bars before going the cabaret show in Soi 9. I spotted a couple of nice ones, but thought I'd go around the corner to Soi 8 to take a look first. Standing out side the 7/11 on the end of Soi 8, was PVC, "Hey Paul! Where you go?" "Ah PVC! How are you sweetie?" "I good! I not work now...I go Germany after two days...to stay with boyfriend!" "Ah good on you girl!" "Paul I borling...I have nothing to do!" "Funny you should say that ...me too... Come on, lets paint the town red!" So we both did a bit of bar hopping, and I ended up shagging her for the first two days, until she had to fly off to Germany, and didn't cost me a penny. I guess it was a last fling for her.

During that time I had arranged for a flight and a jump at the airpark, so the day she left; I headed over to the airpark and did my thing. That night I went hunting for the LB I spotted a couple of nights previous at the cabaret on Soi 9. I went later on that evening after a bit of bar hopping, weighing up the talent in other bars for the following night. Then around midnight, I sat at the bar of the cabaret. I had my eye on a tall young superstar, sitting across the bar, but an older one parked her ass beside me and persisted on chatting me up. We got on like a house on fire, and had a good laugh. She wanted to go with me, but I told her I had my eye on the young superstar across the bar, which she called over.

The three of us downed a few drinks and were having a ball, and then it came to who I was taking back to the room, I ended up taking both back for 500 baht LT. The three of us stopped at a little Thai shack of a bar in Soi Diana, which was still lined with these temporary businesses until the Soi was developed. We had a few drinks there, and the young superstar was tired, so I gave her the room key and said we would follow after a few more drinks. Getting back to the room, superstar didn't seem to be too happy about us waking her up out of her beauty sleep to let us in, and then jumped back into bed. And as we were a bit merry, the older LB jokingly tried to touch her on the shoulder, when she snapped at her, and pulled away.

Seeing this, I just simply threw her out of the room, while telling her she had a bad attitude, and didn't give her a penny. If she wanted to sleep she could do that in her own room, not in mine. So I just shagged the older one, which turned out to be very good. The next morning, we went down for breakfast, where she gets a couple of phone calls, and she told who was on the line where she was. Five minutes later the young superstar came on her bike, came in a apologized for her behavior, saying she was tired and had too much drink, so I got her a breakfast, and told her I might give her another shot another time. Then an old man, with a grey beard came in with what looked like an old LB girlfriend. They sat down and had a chat with the older LB, then gave her what must have been 15,000 baht. This old couple seemed to be living in Thailand for a long time and the old guy's Thai was perfect, and I reckoned the payment was for some sort of porn she did. But I felt like a right prick after giving her 500 baht moments before. After that we all split up.

I was suppose to meet my Thai mate Fly in the Green Bottle the night I arrived, but as I was to busy shagging, I never made it, so I thought I would look him up. I walked in that evening around 6pm, with the usual greeting, "Ah welcome Mr. Paul", and as soon as I sat down, a Thai guy comes over to me, "You Mr. Paul?...Friend for Fly?" "Yes why?" "Fly wait for you...But now he go to Bangkok."..."Ah well!...I see him again another time then." "No, no you must come Bangkok now! He let me wait for you to take you there!" "What now?" "Yes, yes, it's urgent!" I was too curious to what was going on, and thought why not, so I jumped into the guy's car and off we went. The driver was calling ahead, while I was asking him what was going on, and he just replied with a smile, "Big surprise!"

Around 10pm we pulled up outside a building which turned out to be a recording studio, and on entering the door I walked past a guy laughing his head off, "Hey stupid farang! You don't know your friends," he called after me. I turned around to give this guy a second look, and fuck me if it wasn't Fly. If you remember the conversation a couple of years previous in the Rue Thai restaurant; flash back;

I bumped into my Thai mate €˜Fly' who had the rock band, which I invited into the company, and pulled me to one side and asked, "How come every time I see you are always with two, three, sometimes four girls?" "Ahk... That's the way things grow in the field!" "Yes, yes!... I think you're a €˜farmer' for the girls!" He laughed, and then said, "Ever think of settling down again?" "After the witch... No way... they are all €˜snakes'... As soon as you can turn around, they have their coils around the next man." "Yes, yes I think you're right." "Paul! When are you coming back next time?" "New year I think." "Are you crazy Paul... What about the Y2K?" "Superstitious bull shit... But I hope too many people believe that... Then the flights will be cheaper in high season!"

Then he went on about why I shaved my head, telling the girls I use to have nice blond hair, so I told them all, it was a better sensation for the girl when I would go down on them and eat pussy, telling them the girl would get more excited, when rubbing her hands over my smooth head, than over a head of hair. I could see the young virgin cashier was getting very moist, but it was a no go area. But that interested Fly more, when I bullshitted him it was a turn on for the women.

Then I asked Fly where I could get a tattoo that would only last for three months, so I could take the piss out of the lads back home. He thought it was ugly to do that but told me anyway. "What tattoo do you want to get, and where will you put it?" "I want a big dragon on the side of my skull" "Baaa Paul, to-late, to-late (ugly, ugly,)" laughed Fly.

Well now this twat is standing there with his head shaved, and a big tattoo of a dragon on the side of his skull, wearing sunglasses. I was a bit shocked and took the piss out of him. Then he explained that his band is now called FLY2K, and that they were just finishing an album, and wanted me to play on one particular track, just for old time sake. I asked him what the track was called, he laughed saying, "It's about you Paul" "Me?" "Yes it's called €˜Chow Nah Gub Ngoo How' (The Farmer and the Snake). You give me idea before about that." So I messed around and did a little string synth, and guitar, while we had a shit load of beer, and got merry. The song was already complete, just waiting for something from me, and at the end of the night we played it back, and I leaked a few tears, when I heard the complete thing, as I was a bit overwhelmed with the beer and the privilege, and it was a good song too. That was the last time I saw Fly, but a couple of months later I got a few albums sent to me in the mail.

We didn't leave the studio until 10am the next morning, and got back to Pattaya around 2pm. Needless to say, I was out for the count and slept till the next morning. I went shopping that afternoon, but I was dying for a shag, so passing a massage place, I pick the best looking girl outside, and went in and got an oil massage, and a wank, thinking that should hold things off till the evening. Avoiding the LB's in Soi 9, I headed to Soi 8, and no sooner I parked my ass on a bar stool, I have this sweetie parking herself beside me. She reminded me of Milk, but she had the biggest tits I have ever seen on a Thai girl. She was 24 and a daughter of a policeman, god knows what she told him that she worked at.

Anyway it had to be done, paid the bar and took her back, and I remember when I went down on her, I also rimed her asshole for quite a while, which she really enjoyed. This and a bit of finger work, I find will always do the trick, virgin ass or not. She was a great shag, so I decided to keep her for a few days, and the next night I get the request, "I want you to try and fuck my ass Paul!" So I was happy to oblige, and she loved every minute of it, so as she is now a three holer, and we got on well, I kept her for the rest of the holiday. And the last thing she said to me was, "Next time you come Paul...bring a ring naa!"

[Nemisis]

Photos chapter 26

[Nemisis]

Photos chapter 26

[Nemisis]

Photos chapter 26

[Nemisis]

Chapter 27 €“ The Elephant Shit & Crazy John

Christmas 2002, I returned to Pattaya for another month, money was a bit tight and I had to get three extra sets of dentures made, which were a third of the cost than back in Holland, so I skipped taking a micro-light flight but had two jumps at the airpark. Went to Winai the first night, were he told me he had to go to jail for a year in Chonburi prison, for breaking a Germans leg a few months back. I knew it was strange, as it wasn't like Winai to fight, so I asked him what happened. He told me the German was very drunk, and was abusing his staff, eventually slapping one of the girls, and staggering away without paying the bill. So Winai went after him with the bill, and argued with the German about paying it, when the German gave him a slap, Winai gave him a push to the shoulder, but the German was so drunk, it put him off balance and fell over, breaking his leg in the fall.

As Winai was good friends with the police, they tried to make peace, and Winai had to pay all the hospital bills, but that wasn't enough for the German, he wanted more justice, and put pressure on the police to give Winai a jail sentence. The police could only help him out over the amount of time he had to serve, and actually gave him a year to get his thing in order, before he turned himself in to do the jail time. Winai arranged things with the mafia, inside and out, so he was well protected when he did go in. He told me it was a pity it wasn't another Thai person, then there would be nothing more said about it, and he wasn't a very happy chappie at all, so I took him out for the night on the piss to cheer him up a bit.

Didn't bother with picking up anything that night, I just wanted to concentrate on my Thai brother, and the following night, I headed up to Soi 2 again, stopping off at another mate's bar, who was half French, half Cambodian, and almost the best guitarist in Pattaya, and had a jamming session with him, in his bar. Then went to Winai's bar, but he wasn't there, I guess he was hung-over from the night before, so I took off to Soi Yamato, to check-in with Bob in the Boomerang bar, and arrange a shoot, but we decided on some where different this time, the shooting range in Koh Larn Island, which was less expensive than Tiffany's, and had a better selection of weapons, including hand grenades.

Sitting outside the Boomerang, both having a few cold ones, watching an elephant walk by, Bob turned to me and said, "You know Paul! You don't see many elephants walking about at night, as we use to see years back!" "Funny enough Bob, now that you mention it...you don't!" Then I got a flash back to the 80's, "I remember a joke I played on a mate, when I had the Mick O'Mouse, concerning elephant shit!" "Well tell us Paul...Tell us!"

The Elephant Yarn

Back in the time of the Mick O' Mouse, I had a mate Mike Smith that owned the Caesars Bar on the beach road. Now Mike at that time was the main man and organizer of the golf, to which his bar was a meeting point for all the golfers, where he daily organized the transport to the golf course, and also rented out golf clubs sets, of which he had a good few sitting in the bar, and took care of fees, etc. After they all spent time out on the golf course, they would be all transported back to the Caesars Bar, later that afternoon for a good old piss up for a few hours. As he didn't do food, he recommended my place for food, and as I didn't do golf, I recommended Mike to any of my customers that was interested in golf, so we both weren't stepping on each others toes.

One evening some of our golf customers came in for a meal and a few beers, and pulled me to the side and asked me could I help play a joke on Mike. Well I was up for anything like that, so I listened to what they had planned, and telling me Mike is always spick and span, always ordering his staff regimentally every minute, ordering them to clean this, clean that, while they're all in having a drink. And that afternoon he went ballistic when an elephant walking up the beach road, stopped outside his bar, and had a piss and a shit on the beach road. He went running out of the bar, screaming at the little Thai guy who was with the elephant, and stood there on the road, while he made the little Thai guy clean every bit of it up. So after we came up with a plan, and every body knew what to expect, I told them it will be done the next day, and to let all the rest of the golfers in on it, but all except Mike.

So the next day while they were all out at the golf course, I was on my bike scouting around Pattaya, looking for elephants. Lucky enough I spotted one on the beach road, about 200 meters, farther down from the Caesars Bar, and funny enough the elephant just had a shit, and the Thai guy was just about to clean it up. I parked the bike along side, calling the guy to stop, dismounted and grabbed old newspapers I took with me, and using them, bent down and grabbed a good football size lump of shit, and proceeded to walk back up the beach road, with arms stretched out with this big football of shit in my hands, and holding my breath towards the Caesars Bar, leaving the Thai guy scratching his head and pissing himself laughing.

On the way up that 200 meters, I was getting chuckles of laughter from people I passed, with this big football of shit in my hands, and got the odd, "You crazy farang," shouted out at me also. Now coming up to Caesars, the bar was on a lower level than the beach road, and you had to enter the bar by taking a couple of steep steps down into it, and any tall guy would have to be careful not to hit his head on the low roof edge of the bar. So I walked into the bar, and knowing full well, Mike had his favorite stool he always perched himself on, while dishing out orders to his staff, and so I placed the big lump of shit right under his stool, then went back to my place and took a good shower.

I quickly did what ever I had to do in my place, and told the wife I would be back in an hour, as I didn't want to miss this, and she pissed herself laughing when I told her what I did. I jumped on the bike, and arrived at Mikes bar just as Mike and all the golfers arrived in four baht buses. I could see the lads were distracting Mike, as they all walked into the bar, and parked themselves onto the bar stools, so that he wouldn't notice the elephant shit under his stool, and making sure he was looking the other way.

So the craick started, we all got stuck into the beers, and we all carried on with the usual bar humor, but keeping one eye on Mike, and letting on we were not paying him too much attention. About five minutes into the usual bar banter, we noticed Mike slowly drifting out of the conversation, and started to twitch his nose, and his face turned to a frown, something was wrong, but he wasn't going to draw his customers attention too it. His eyes were wondering all around the bar, and his nostrils were wide open sniffing like a hound dog after a scent. Eventually he couldn't take the stink any longer, and started to ask those who were next to him, "Can you smell anything?" "No Mike, can't smell anything mate!"

He was so uncomfortable with the stink, he stood on the rung of the bar stool and bent over the bar and had a good sniff, "What are you doing Mike?" "I think there is something that has crawled into the bar and died...because there's an awful smell here!" "Ahk, catch yourself on Mike... We can't smell anything." We could tell by his expression that the smell wasn't as strong behind the bar, so he sat down again, and we could see he noticed the smell was stronger where he was sitting. We all paid him no attention, and those who were next to him, turned their backs to him, giving the rest of us a wink.

Then he looked down and saw this big football sized lump of elephant shit right under his stool. So not to alarm any one, he beckoned one of the staff over by just using his eyes, and when one of the staff came over asking what he wanted, he just bent his head down to one side, and rolled his eyes down towards the lump of shit, as if to say, €˜get that sorted out.' So she went to get a bucket and broom, while we were all finding it hard to keep the laughter in. And to make matters worse, the expression on his face changed from a frown of disgust to a scientific frown, and we could see him sitting there, glancing at the beach road, then glancing at the steep steps, then glancing at the low roof of the bar, and finally glancing down at this lump of shit, and he did this a couple of times. We could all tell he was trying to work out how the elephant got into the bar to have a shit in the first place, which was impossible.

As he couldn't figure it out, his eye started to concentrate on all of us gathered around the bar, hoping no one has noticed. Well that is, until his eyes focused on me, and a shout rang out, "It was you Paul, you bloody crazy Irish man!" Well that was it, the whole bar burst out in a fits of laughter, which was held in for the past half hour, and was bursting at the seams. I stood there with an innocent straight face saying, "What?...What did I do now? With all the guys rolling about with tears of laughter, and belly aches. Mike burst out laughing, "Oh!... So you were all in on it?" And I said, "Don't look at me Mike... I'm just standing here minding my own business... It's this bunch of hooligans here mate." "Yeh right Paul!... You're standing here at the busiest time of the evening for you... and normally you don't come around until late in the evening, when it's all cooled down in your place... There are no flies on me Paul!" "You got to be joking Mike... there's a swarm of flies around you... Anyone would think you were sitting on a big lump of shit or something!" The laughter seemed to be getting worse, with the conversation between Mike and I, and lasted another hour, as Mike was adding things like, "Paul you had me sitting here like an idiot, trying to figure out how the fuck the elephant got in here to take a shit in the first place!" And, "This drink tastes like shit now."

Well back in the Boomerang bar with Bob and a couple of others pissing themselves laughing at the elephant yarn, we decided to have an early night, as we had an early rise in the morning, to go to Koh Larn Island, for a bit of shooting and a relaxing day on the beach. As soon as the entire bar knew where we were going, all the girls wanted to come with us also. So Bob and I, arranged to take them all out to Koh Larn for the day, which was OK with the boss, as long as they were all back in time for work that evening.

Early the next morning we all met up at the Boomerang for a coffee before setting off to the ferry to Koh Larn Island, Bob, myself, and eight of the girls. We all took a walk to the pier where the ferries were berthed. Walking past and ignoring the ticket touts on the entrance to the pier selling tickets at 200 baht per person for the ferry, and simply board the same ferry and pay 20 baht per person. The ferry takes about 45 minutes to get to Koh Larn, and for 20 baht per person, that's good value. Arriving at Koh Larn jetty, we would first look at a map of the island which has 5 beaches, and I point to which beach I want to go to a baht-bus driver, and make a deal with him. Normally around 30-50 baht per person, depending on what kind of a deal you make with him, and then we all pile into the baht-bus and headed for the quietest beach there, where an old beach shack, with a Thai family renting out the deck chairs, and selling a bit of food and cold drinks.

Driving on very steep washed away roads full of pot holes, and over the hills to get to the beach, two men and eight girls seemed to be too much for the old baht-bus, as it tried to climb the highest point, it just didn't have the power, and something snapped, then it started to roll back down the hill backwards, with the driver standing on the brake with both feet, and the hand brake in his hand, pulled back to maximum, doing his best to steer the bus away from the cliff edge. Eventually and luckily, the tires got a grip of the worn dirt track, and came to a halt just in time. We all quickly disembarked and walked up the rest of the hill too its peak, and waited for another baht bus to come alone and pick us up, to take us the rest of the way.

Reaching the chosen beach, and calling the owner over by his first name, and requesting certain dishes that is not on his menu, knowing well he will send his son on the motorcycle to market to get fresh supplies, for those dishes. Having a chat with the owner about the usual things, while the girls are busy having fun with hide the bikini top, until mid-day when the meals arrive, setting the tables and deck chairs together, and we all dig in. As the meals are not on the menu, therefore no prices. I always make sure that it is clear to the owner, he can charge as much as he likes. A good and honest man he is, at the end of the day the bill always hovered around 800 baht. Most times I think he was not charging enough, so I would round it off to a thousand. After all he does have a family to feed.

Taking off from the beach, about a couple of hours or more before the last ferry back to Pattaya, we were all baht-busing back to the jetty so that we would have time to let off a few rounds at the shooting range there, which was not far from the jetty that the ferry was berthed. Bob was delighted to use some heavier weapons for a change, but although it was a little cheaper, it was still an expensive hobby.

After a shooting match, we all went back to the jetty, where there was a little shop that sold everything, as Bob and I fancied a couple of cold ones, and got some things for the girls. Sitting outside the shop on the side-walk with a bottle of beer in his hand was a familiar face; well fuck me, if it isn't Crazy John, a character from the old days, which I hadn't seen for years. We greeted each other, and he told me that he owned the shop now, but before that he had a small guest house, but had to sell it, as they where building on the land.

Now €˜Crazy John,' was a bit of a piss head, but you couldn't meet a more genuine bloke. Married to an ex-ago-go dancer, back in the 80's, and when she gets drink in her, she is crazy as a coot. Back then, John and his wife used to wheel a little hamburger stall around at night, and park it on whatever beer bar complex that was doing good business, basically just surviving. We all used to laugh at them from time to time. As some nights they were doing well, they might buy the odd bottle of something, or the punters in the beer bars sending them over some drinks. Eventually they would get pissed up, then the argument starts. All hell breaks loose, until he's standing across the road, getting everything but the stall itself thrown at him, over the passing traffic. Other times we would see him running down the street, with her after him with a pair of barbeque tongs, and a meat cleaver in her hands.

This carried on until he got badly run over by a car escaping his wife on the busy second road, and was nearly killed. They had to actually wire the poor sod back together again. Luckily for him, the guy who ran him down was another farang, who was fully insured by a foreign company, and when it was found it was the drivers fault, the company paid out no problem. I think he got around 400,000 baht, more or less half that paid the hospital, and the rest went to start a little guest house on Koh Larn island. Now he's got this shop, and was telling me he had a couple of baht-buses on the go also. We all had a few beers with him, while he got out the photo album of the accident, which was a bit gory because it was photos of the operation, with every detail of how they wired him back together again. His wife would be telling the girls, crazy stories and jokes. Actually, she's quite a comedian, and would constantly keep them all in fits of laughter.

The sun is almost down, and the horn from the last ferry is blasting, and 45 minutes later we were all back to shore on Pattaya, and I am keeping two of the eight for the night, and Bob's keeping one of them, but you could see the other five girls are on a downer in their eyes. They have to plod along back to their bars, but not forgetting a good day out full of fun, laughter, and more importantly, friendship. Bob and I split the costs, and we didn't spend anymore than 700 baht each, for a great days outing.

The rest of that vacation was just the norm, and I didn't run into any girls worth talking about. I guess I had Amy still on my mind, and was comparing everyone I met with her.

[Nemisis]

Chapter 28 €“ The Return of the Merry Widow

I kicked myself the rest of the year for not continuing my micro-light course, so I scraped up a bit of extra cash during this period, determined to complete it all on my next trip in 2003. Sending e-mails to Neil the instructor at the airpark, making reservations and deals on the cost. One flight a year was getting me nowhere, and we arranged to get it all done in seven days. It was going to cost me 28,000 baht for 14 hours flight time, and 700 baht for 10 hours ground school.

Mid 2003, I was touching down on the runway at Bangkok airport with a smile on my face, as I was staying for a month. Jumped into an airport limo, and just over 3 hours later, I was pulling up outside the Sawasdee Mansion Hotel. Just when I was getting my luggage out of the boot, the old lady and main cook of the hotel came running out to greet me all excited, "Mr. Paul! Mr. Paul!...Your wife here! Your wife here!" "What wife?" "Your wife Amy!" "Where is she?" "She stay here one week already...and she check-out one hour ago!" "Where did she go?" "I think she go home Bangkok!"

Shit! What were the odds on that, I haven't seen her for a year and a half, and always thought about her from time to time, and now I just missed her by an hour. Well never mind, checked into the room, had a shower, got dressed and went down to the outside bar of the hotel, for a cold one, and to take in the atmosphere of the street. But now I'm sitting there thinking of Amy, and how good it would have been to see her again. Told myself to snap out of it, and around 6pm, I headed down to Soi 9, to catch the best of the bars as they just begin to work, and before any punters bar-fine them.

I had my eye on a cute little thing, so I told her I was going to go eat, and then I would come back for her, but she wasn't having none of it, and wanted to go there and then with me. I paid her bar-fine, and off we strolled back up to the Green Bottle, for a meal. The sun had not yet set, and as we entered the Green Bottle, we noticed that very few were in the place, but just sitting by the door, I noticed the back of some girl's head, which was braided. For some reason I had an urge to see this girls face, so I walked past this girl sitting alone, and sat at the next table, on a chair facing her, so I could get a good look.

Holly shit it was Amy sitting there on her own, and seemed a bit lonely. As soon as we caught a glimpse of each other, we both lit up like Christmas trees. She held out her arms with her hands pointing to the empty seats at her table saying, "Please join me!... I have ordered enough food for the three of us already." So we both changed tables, and I ordered a drink for the three of us.

Amy and I just went on and on catching up on things in the past year and a half, forgetting the cute little thing I picked up in the bar ten minutes before, and she could see she was in the way, "I think better I go back to bar, I see you good friends and need time together!" Amy insisted she stay, but as I just met her ten minutes before, and had not even struck up a conversation yet, it was not big deal for her to go back to her bar while the night was just starting. I slipped her a few dollars and off she happily went. Then the food came.

It was the weirdest thing; she was dining on her own but actually did order for at least three people. And I asked her how long has she been staying in the hotel, and she told me two weeks, but moved to another hotel that morning just around the corner in Soi Honey. "Why did you stay at my hotel, and not the big hotel you normally stay in?" "Iieee Iieee think maybe I see you...Me and staff hotel talk about you everyday ... First vely happy talk about you... but talk about you too mutt, make me sad. Because I think you not come...so I change hotel." "Did you not meet a new boyfriend this holiday?" "Yes I meet one young man, 27, from England...but he no good for sex... so I kick him out next morning!"

Although I was glowing with heat sitting there in the delight of seeing her again, I just couldn't help thinking this was too much of a coincidence. As we had lost contact for a year and a half, and there was no way she would have known I was coming that particular time of the year, so I jokingly said, "You have done the black magic on me, didn't you?" She laughed and said, "Well yes a little bit! I not forget you, and I know we want different things and not agree...but I want to spend one last time together...because we have not long enough before."

Well that was it, and it wasn't going any other way. So after dinner we went around the corner and check her out of the hotel and moved her gear back into mine, with the delight of the staff all cheering and clapping, as we both entered the lobby. I'm sure they thought it was a match made in heaven, but little did they know it was the last fling.

She wanted me to go to Bangkok to stay at one of her condos, but had to hang around for the first week until I did my micro-light course which was already set up. For the first week it was up early every morning, and headed for the airfield. She would do her jogging around the airfield, while I was up flying. In the evenings I did not drink much because of the course, and met Bob but had no time for a shooting match with him. Called at Winai's bar, where his wife informed us that he was already in prison, so we made a promise to her, that we would call in and visit him.

Wasn't long before the course was done, and I am over the moon, gleaming with pride with my papers and license in my hand, now I had almost three weeks to party, as I already paid for the room for the month, because of the discount. We packed enough gear for a week, so we could travel light, and left the rest in the room. Off we went in a Mr.T taxi, and headed to Bangkok. On the way we stopped at a market, to buy a load of Thai food and nick knacks for Winai, as we had arranged to stop at the Chonburi prison to visit him, as it was on the way.

Winai looked pretty good, and was delighted to see us both. After a couple of hours chit-chat, I handed him the food which was enough for ten people, the nick-knacks, and a fair amount of cash to see him through for the rest of his stay there. Then we carried on to Bangkok, after the guards finally kicked us out.

It was a great time spent there even though I didn't like Bangkok, but her condo was on the outskirts of the city, and all that time I only came across two other farangs, as they were shopping with their wives in Tesco's. I did all the shopping for the food, and did all the cooking, as she couldn't cook to save her life. Amy was amazed at how well I could cook Thai food, and how good it tasted. And one afternoon, sitting at a food street vendor just outside the condo and one Amy usually eats at. She mentioned it to the middle-aged vendor, as she knew him well, how good I could cook Thai food. Well that started it, "Farang cannot cook Thai food!" "Yes he can!... Iieeee Iieeee think he better than many Thai people!" Amy replied. "Right Mr. Paul!... I cook special for you now!... And you can tell me you can do or not!"

So he rustled up a dish that to him was his pride and joy and was never on his menu, and then proudly served it too me. Just to wind him up more, I picked at it, then jokingly laughed and said, "Yes! It's OK!" "What!...only OK?" he laughed. "Yes only OK!" "Right Mr. Paul!...next time you cook I want to try!" Thinking the next time I cook something in the condo, I would send him down a plate, but I took him up on his challenge there and then. "Right I go now to the supermarket and buy everything, and I come and cook here in your stall!" "Sure?" "Yes sure, I go now and buy everything, so you better make room for me when I get back!" Tesco's was just across the road, and a market alongside, so I was back an hour later, and rolled up my sleeves and got stuck in, just as the sun was setting.

I rustled up five dishes that I was master at, and could do in my sleep, while he watched over my shoulders, as he served his regular customers his food. Then when it was ready, we all sat down at his tables set out on the street, which belonged to him and his wife, along with Amy and a couple of her friends, eight people in total, and got stuck in, while his daughters carried on serving the regulars his usual menu. I went to a small shop next door, and came back with a load of cold beer and drinks for the ladies. Seeing them all shoving the food down their necks, I sat down beside him and asked, "Well what you think?" And he looked at me with his cheeks bulging, and sauce and bits of rice around his mouth, and mumbled, "Yes!...It's OK!"

Later that evening and during a good drinking session, he would pop up to serve the odd customer, while I sat there stinking of sweat and spices, knocking back the cold ones. I watched him as he served the odd regular, and I heard him whisper to them, "Here try this!... Farang make, farang make", sneaking his eye at my direction. Then the cheeky fucker, sold the rest after they tried it, as I made enough for 30 people. Fair play to him, I didn't mind at all, as I was in my element, getting compliments all night from them.

Later when things cooled down a bit, and we were all getting merry, he pulled me to one side and whispered, "You know Mr. Paul! I not know farang can make Thai food vely vely good before... How much you want salary for one month?", as he rolled and laughed half pissed at the table. And of course I asked him for the recipe for what he made me earlier, and told him it was really fantastic, which he was delighted with that, but wrote the fucker down in Thai, saying, "I never give anybody Mr. Paul... Only you!" I tried to get Amy to translate it later but she couldn't understand it. I wonder was he taking the piss!

For the rest of the stay there it was great roaming around getting to know the locals, with a laugh and a joke. One day Amy kicked me out of bed early, "Right Paul I take you to a vely nice place today!" So after breakfast, we stood at a bus stop, and waited for a regular non air-conditioned bus that was going that direction. It was Amy's treat today, so on entering the bus she paid two baht for each of us. The journey first went over the King Rama bridge, and seemed to go on for miles. Thinking like a typical farang I kept asking Amy, "Are we there yet, are we there yet?" And thinking surely two baht was not enough for such a long journey, any minute now some one is going to ask us for more bus fare. But with amazement we got off at a junction which seemed to be an hour later with nobody batting an eye.

We crossed the road and got into a baht bus the same style as in Pattaya, full of school kids, and that journey also went on for miles. Finally, Amy rang the bell, to get off at her destination which was a surprise, and handed the driver five baht for each of us. I was amazed and said, "Amy only seven baht each to go a long long way?" "Yes Paul!...Welcome to the real Thailand... You stay in Pattaya too long."

Now we are standing at an entrance, which had the words €˜Ancient City' (the real Thai name €“ €˜Muang Boran"), and a ticket office alongside. Amy paid 50 baht entrance fee for each of us, and just within the entrance there were a hundred or so bicycles for hire, at 50 baht for the day. Amy picked out two for us and paid the man, as I found out later this €˜Ancient City' was a park owned by the same philanthropist that owns the €˜Sanctuary of Truth' in Pattaya. Its purpose was not a usual tourist trap, but an open air museum for educational purposes for the Thais themselves. The park itself had a vast amount of acres, and massive. It was shaped as the map of Thailand itself, and armed with a map of the park; we set off for the whole day on our bicycles.

Life sized monuments, temples, palaces, forts, ancient villages and houses were all placed around the park in the same position where they would be found in Thailand. Some of these were the originals placed there for safe keeping, and it even had its own floating village in the centre. I could see why we needed the bikes, as we rode around all day in the park, and I'm sure we didn't see all of it. Of course Amy was giving me history lessons, as we stopped at each site. One of my most memorable days, and I enjoyed every minute of it. After a few days more we started pining for the beach and the sea. So we packed up and headed back to Pattaya, again stopping off at Chonburi prison, to drop off a load of more Thai food, and nick-knacks for Winai.

Back in Pattaya a day or so later, we ventured out to Koh Larn Island, spent the day at my usual beach, and on the way back called into the little shop to see Crazy John. There we were informed that John sold the shop and has now bought the pier just across the road, right next to the ferry jetty. So we strolled on to the pier and sure enough there was John sitting with a bottle of beer in his hand. The pier had a few shabby rooms, and a bit of a pool hall with a few pool tables and a bar right on the end of the pier. He tends to cater to the back-packers, more than anything. "Did you buy this now John?" "Yep!" So I couldn't help saying, "It's a bit too up market for a scum bag like you...in'nt?" He burst out laughing as he pulled me a beer and said, "Ah Paul you gotta keep up with the Joneses... When it falls on your lap you gotta take it mate!" "Fall on your lap!... Who did you get killed to get this place?" And of course we sat down so he could tell me how shrewd he was in getting the place. After a beer or two, I asked, "Where is the missus?" "Ahk she's around the back doing a bit of painting... Go and say hello, and tell her to take a break, and sit with us!" I walked around but couldn't find her, so I came back, "Where the fuck is she John?" "There! ... Around the back!" As he pointed to the part of the guardrail, that stops anyone from falling off the pier, and waved his hand to one side. So I walked towards the empty guard rail, thinking to myself, €˜I wish to fuck I could meet John sober just once... he's getting worse.'

So I walked to the empty guard rail where it ended and the building started, and put both hands on it, then turned again to John and said, "Right John where the fuck is she?" "There where you are... around the back!" So I leaned over the guard rail, and looked to the direction he was pointing, and fuck me there she was, dangling on the end of a rope, a couple of meters above the waves, with a big bucket of paint and something that resembled a yard brush, happy as Larry, painting the outside of the building, singing like a banshee, one of her favorite Thai songs.

"Hey! Crazy lady! What in the name of god are you doing?" "Hah hi Paul! I painting... what it look like?" Well I didn't want to carry on with that conversation, "Get your ass down from there and take a break. Come and sit with us for a bit before the last ferry goes." Then I turned to John, oh no he's only got the photo album out, showing Amy the gory photos of his operation. "For fuck sake John put that bloody thing away," and needless to say, Amy couldn't eat dinner that night, with the thought of those photos.

I mentioned to her while in Bangkok, about a three-some, and it seemed she had no problem with it. We got the last ferry back to Pattaya, and we walked up Soi Post Office towards the hotel. We stopped for a cold one in the €˜Hot n' Cold Ago-go,' as the sun was just setting, it was too early for anything there. We were actually the only ones in there, and I told Amy they had very good sex shows there. Amy called the star performer over, got her a drink, and asked when the show started. She told us the cops put a complete stop to it. So Amy and the dancer where chatting away, while I gulped down my beer, paying them no attention.

Next thing I know, the both of them got up on the stage, and started to do a lesbian thing, with the dancer stripping Amy down to her bikini, as they both caressed and kissed each other, Amy was now and again glancing over to me with a cheeky smile on her face. I'm sitting there, the only one in the place, at 6.30 in the evening. Well I'll tell you I was so hard, it was strong enough for the foundations to build the Empire State Building on, and had a very difficult time going for a piss, as I couldn't get the target, and ended up pissing on the ceiling.

Amy and the dancer were right into each other, and we sat on for a few more drinks, while Amy arranged for us to come back to pick her up for the night, as she was the main attraction of the place. She wasn't able to leave until after midnight, and wanted to meet us in the bar at the end of the street after her work. So sure enough we all met up shortly after midnight, and I figured I was being tested or set-up, and didn't want to spoil anything. But Amy insisted with, "This my present for you... And I want to try any way." So after a few drinks we all piled back into the hotel room, and although Amy couldn't eat dinner earlier that night, because of Crazy John's photos, she ate plenty of pie in the room, and loved every minute of it.

So much so, the few nights we had left, we sat at a bar in Soi 7, and I would be talking to the guy next to me. I would look around and there was Amy holding and stroking hands over the bar with some young short haired, tomboy, lesbian type, sorting the old three-some out.

It was quite a magical month for me, and on the last day Amy went all the way to the airport, and basically dropped me off at the check-in. We said our last farewells, "Thank you for wonderful holiday... I vely happy," but her face was full of sadness. It was a real heartbreaker, knowing she was just about to take a taxi back to her condo, all alone, at 3am, as I sat on that plane the whole way back. But I soon cheered up when I got a phone call from her a couple of months later, with her cheerful happy voice, telling me she was getting married, which we had a good laugh over.

[Nemisis]

Chapter 28 photos

[Nemisis]

Chapter 28 photos

[Nemisis]

Chapter 28 photos

[Nemisis]

Chapter 28 photos

[Nemisis]

Chapter 29 €“ The Last Jump & Cheap Charlie

Now I'm planning the 2004 adventure, and now I got over the expense of the micro-light course, I was going to have two monthly vacations this year, but after Amy, I was thinking it was going to be a downer. So I had in mind just to be a right monger, and shag as many of them Thai beauties, as possible. Touching down on the runway in Bangkok, I still didn't have any game plan, and simply hailed a limo to Pattaya. Driving down Soi Buakhaow towards the Sawasdee Mansion, I noticed a sign outside the Sawasdee Siam hotel, €˜575 baht a night,' so I told the limo driver to park it there instead. The Sawasdee Group owned both the Mansion, which was a 2 star, and just lost its swimming pool to make way for the LK Plaza, and the Siam, a 3 star hotel with a large swimming pool, and I thought it would make a nice change.

Being greeted in the lobby by the reception, I started to haggle. "How much for a room?" "575 baht for the regular room!" "How much for the supreme room?" "700 baht!" "And how much for a week, and how much for a month?" "Oh! You stay more than one night! How long you stay?" "I stay one month, only if you give me good price!" "Ok! I can do 650 baht for supreme room!" "Baa!" And I started to walk out. "Ok! Ok! Mister... How much you pay?" "575 for supreme room for one month!" "Ok! ok! I do for you!" Checking into the room, I noticed the fridge packed full with a mini bar, so I instructed the bell hop to get house keeping to empty it, that there was no mini bar for this room, and to take note of it. Then while that was done, I walked across the street to the 7/11, came back with bags of stuff, and filled it back up again at a third of the price.

I took a shower, changed, and went out on the town, just to call on my friends and simply go on the piss, not very interested in picking up anyone, as I thought, €˜sure I have the whole month' in front of me, and there was plenty of time for that. Half way through the night while getting jolly, knocking back the cold ones, I suddenly realized I had arranged a jump at noon the next day at the airfield, but by then it was too late, and carried on regardless. Then found myself being woken up alone in my hotel bed at 11am, with the pick-up to the airfield. Well a quick shower, that should sort me out, and then down to the lobby to meet my pick-up, and off to the airfield.

You know they say, "Don't drink and drive!" well I would have to change that to, "Don't drink and sky dive!" For as I jumped out of the plane, quite grotty and hazy from the drink the night before, I wasn't in control, and got blown off course. I ended heels up into a tree, hitting a branch full force with my back, before bouncing through the rest of the branches to the ground. I remember thinking in the last few meters, as I looked down, knowing the inevitable was going to happen, €˜Ahhh fuck!... I wonder if I have enough money for this hospital bill!'

Eventually, as I got my wind back I was able to stand up to make myself a damage report, which was an excruciating pain in my back, and I couldn't stand on my left leg, so I thought it was broke. But as far as my back was concerned, I thought to myself, "Well Paul! You'd be in trouble if you didn't feel anything." But I lay back down on the ground just in case, and waited until they came and took me to hospital. After a couple of x-rays, it turned out I broke three ribs right close to the spine, and my left leg was only badly bruised, with a nice gash in it. So I just had to pay for the x-rays, a few stitches, and a load of pain killers, and got the fuck out of there pronto, as the best remedy for this was rest...and I could do that back in the hotel room, which is already paid for.

Two and a half bloody weeks I spent in that hotel room, all alone, with nothing but room service. The first two weeks I could barely walk to the bathroom for a piss, never mind shag anyone. And as I passed the mirror now and again, I would peer over my shoulder only to see just one big massive black bruise, that covered most of my back, and thought with a smile, "You lucky, lucky, bastard!" And halfway through the third week, I was up the walls, I had enough; €˜I got to get me some no matter how much it was going to hurt.'

So like an old crippled twat, I managed to fumble my way down to Soi 8, €˜Oh, ouch! Oh, ouch! And pulling faces, of pain on the way. I spied a cute little thing in the corner of my eye, in a quiet little bar just as I entered Soi 8, and thought to myself, "Right Paul! To hell with this walking shit, let's make ourselves at home here." So I climbed the few steep steps, trying to keep a brave face on, and managed to scramble onto a chair for the rest of the night.

This cute little thing was a 20 yr old called Apple, which had worked the bar only two months, and couldn't speak much English. There was just a couple of girls, an old mamasan that must have been hitting 70, and just one other farang with his Thai wife, all sitting outside the bar as the world walked by, having a good laugh, with me telling yarns of the old days, as best I could in Thai. Apple noticed I had a twinge in my face from time to time, as I would get the odd stab of pain reaching for my beer, and in Thai asked, "What happened? You have problem?" So I put my hand on my lower back and said I had pain there. She thinking I meant my ass said, "Ha, ha! You go with ladyboy naa?" "You stupid woman! Not sore ass... Sore back!" "Oh, sorry!... How you make?" So I'm sitting there explaining the whole thing with my hand in the air gradually bringing it down and smacking the table as I spoke.

"Ha, ha!... So you angel, come from heaven, naa!" "No! From airplane... airplane!" "What!...Your airplane crash when you come to Thailand?" Thinking I was still telling one of my yarns. Ahk for fuck sake, give me strength, so I lifted up my shirt and showed her the damage, which turned her face to a frown, "Oh my Buddha!... I go pharmacy and get something for pain, naa!" "No, no! I have a better idea!" And as I was getting a bit of trouble with my back sitting there, I asked the mamasan did she have any Irish whiskey, so she got up and with my delight came back with bottle of Bushmills, "That's the very medicine for this boy... you better just leave it on the table... It will save you the trouble of walking back and forth all night!"

Well let me tell you, after a half a bottle of god's own remedy I couldn't feel a thing... It was a fucking miracle, or maybe I had too much of a buzz on to feel anything, but I know I had a grin from ear to ear, and in best of form for the rest of the night.

But during this time a handsome young punk stopped on the street outside the bar, and without entering the bar, called Apple over, who he seemed to know. Well I thought to myself, shit, I should have paid the bar for her right at the start, and I didn't get around discussing taking her back for the night. But 15 minutes went by, and they are still talking in the street. I started to think, how long does it take to pay a bar fine, when the mamasan sitting beside me, noticed I was keeping an eye on Apple, tapped me on the knee, and without saying anything, gave me a wink with a cheeky grin, while moving her head from side to side, in a negative fashion.

Well that was good enough for me, and anyway he was starting to spoil my night in the bargain, so I called out, "Apple! Come here now! Your drink is getting warm!" and mamasan grinned even more and shouted, "Yes come quickly now here"... "Ok! Darling" Apple shouted back, and said bye to the young punk, who strolled on down the street. Apple sat down, and I asked to be sure, "What's this guy? Your boyfriend?" "No Paul!...he take me one night last week, but not pay bar-fine, only sa-peak outside bar, see him after I finish work... I stay with him all night... And in morning he pay me 300 baht... I don't know anything, because I not work bar long... I came back bar, and mamasan vely angry with me, and take 200 baht bar-fine from me!" "Oh mama! You take money from her?" "Yes Paul!... she must learn the vely hard way!" Then Apple added, "Now every time he come and sa-paek he love me and want me for girlfriend and want me stay with him for free...but not take care me... He want me work bar same, same."

Well I was a little annoyed with mamasan taking her money, but not half as annoyed with the young punk, after Apple told me that. I guess mamasan was right in a way, Apple did need a hard lesson, otherwise punks like that will walk all over her. "So what did you tell him just now?" "I sa-peak him, I come here for work to help my family... I not come here for look €˜Cheap Charlie'... and I tell him I stay with you already... Now he go look for another lady for free!" "Oh so you go with me already?" She shyly lowered her head and mumbled, "Yes! I hope so." Well what was a man to do, and told her I was going to pay the bar-fine anyway.

But about 15 minutes later, I went for a piss, and on the way back I nearly went into ballistic mode, when I saw the young punk back again, talking to Apple in the street, and what made it worse, after he was already told she was with me. The boy has no respect for his elders, and I just couldn't sit down and take any more interruptions, and shouted, "Listen you little shit!...if you want to come in and buy a beer, you're more than welcome... If not!...Then fuck off!...There's no freebees here boy!" And stood there glaring at him, like a hungry lion, which just had part of his meal fall off his plate. He looked back at me with puppy dog eyes, as he quickly shuffled away. Thank fuck I didn't have to punch him, as the state my back was in, I recon I would be in more pain, than he would be, in the next morning.

At the end of the night we both went back to the hotel, chatting away about her family, and the farm, and the usual chit chat. And after we took turns taking a shower, I though to myself, while I unwrapped her towel, €˜I think I'll eat a bit of pie for desert here. Well fuck my old boots, talk about a bush, I got the shock of my life. Not that it was all over the place, it was packed into that little triangle, but god was it long and thick, "What the fuck is this Apple?" "What happened?" "Have you brought the whole fucking farm with you?" "What you mean?" "Oh! Never mind...I'll soon sort this out!"

So I grabbed my razor and shaving foam from the bathroom, then spread her legs wide, and spent the next half hour, shaving a patch by patch, while running in and out of the bathroom like a yoyo, to wash the pubes off my razor, under the shower. Well that was a big mistake, as I found out later, but I could tell little Apple was really enjoying it, as boy was her juices flowing. It was as if you wrapped a pussy around Niagara Falls, well that was Apple. And for a 20-year-old fresh from the farm, there was no holes barred, and she was into everything and anything, I could challenge her with, and without any conversation. Of course, me being a bit disabled, I had to mostly lie on my back and take my punishment like a man.

The next morning I woke up, with Apple just out of the shower, towel wrapped around her, hypnotized watching cartoons on the TV. And turned and said, "Paul I hungry!" "What was that?...you're horny?" "Yes I horny...but I hungry first!" "Ok, sweetie! I take a shower and then we go for breakfast." I was just about to open the bathroom door, when I noticed the bath mat wedged in between the door and the floor, and water pissing out of it. I opened the door, and holy shit the bathroom was flooded, and seeping into the bedroom, her bloody pubes has blocked the main drain of the bathroom floor.

I stood there looking at the flood, then I glanced over to Apple, and Apple looked at me and said, "Oh yeh! ...Bathroom have too much water...water not go away!" Then turned back to the cartoons again, which made me burst out laughing, at her don't care attitude. So we both got dressed, and headed down to the reception, and as best defense is to attack, I put an innocent face on, and played the irate guest, but told Apple to keep her mouth shut, "What kind of a hotel is this?" "Problem Sir?" "Problem!...My bloody bathroom is full of water, and we can't take a shower!" "Ok Sir!...I get maintenance on it right away!"

So Apple and I had breakfast at the hotel, as I couldn't go too far because my back was playing up from the escapades the night before, and I guess it was a little bit too much, too soon. After breakfast, walking the corridor to my room, and just ran into the maintenance guy coming out of my room, and just as I was about to enter, boy did he give me a funny look. It was a look as if to say, "Ah! So it's your room...I'm keeping my eye on you boy...This is a hotel room not a barbershop!"

The next few days, we didn't leave the hotel, except for sending Apple to her bar to pay the bar-fine, and she always came back with a load of Thai food, that mamasan cooked for us. I told Apple to stay out as long as she wanted, as I didn't want her to get bored being cooped up in the room. But nope! She was out and in within 30 minutes, and was happy as Larry with a bag of chips, a bit of chocolate, and a Fanta, watching movies, or getting the odd English lesson. A little gem she was, and I guess the night lights hadn't had time to poison her yet, and after I felt well enough, I took her to my usual haunts such as the Crocodile Farm, Nong Nooch Village, Dinner, and movies, etc.

And every evening we were out, we parked ourselves in her bar, to support mamasan, just as she supported me when I was ill. And as I didn't spend money the two and a half weeks I was ill, my pockets were pretty full, so I took Apple to Father Ray's Orphanage, and handed in a nice donation. I pretty much made up for my loss the rest of the holiday. And sitting in the plane on the way back to Holland, I was calling myself names for being so stupid, jumping right at the start of my vacation, and reasoned with myself, the next time I should do my jumping close to the end of my holiday, so as not to spoil my holiday. Then reasoned again with...possibly overstaying my visa, missing my flight, and I would still have the hospital bills, so fuck it, you're getting too old for that shit Paul...better you don't jump at all any more.