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http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol....975.ece
I fantasise about transsexuals. Should I tell my wife?
I have recently started fantasising about transsexuals although I'm happily married and definitely not gay. Would it be a huge mistake to tell my wife?
Dr Thomas Stuttaford and Suzi Godson
Dr Thomas Stuttaford says:
I assume that your fantasies relate to being a transsexual rather than to having sex with a transsexual. But there is frequently confusion between transsexuality and transvestism. Transsexuals have a deeply ingrained conviction that they should properly have been designated a member of the opposite sex, and that there is a disparity between their physique and their psyche. They are certain that their only hope of happiness is to put their Maker€™s mistake right and that they should change their genitalia. They take hormones that make their primary and secondary sexual characteristics more like those of the opposite sex, the gender they feel they should have had.
Provided that they can find a sympathetic medical team, they are often keen to have surgery. The travel writer Jan Morris, formerly the journalist James Morris, wrote about her experience as a transsexual, its consequent problems €” social, medical and emotional €” in her book Conundrum (Faber&Faber, £8.99). It is a first-class account and also gives the politically correct and accepted opinion about the condition.
Transvestites claim to be happy with their gender assignation but nevertheless have an overwhelming urge to dress in clothes of the opposite sex. Most transvestites consider that they are heterosexual but happen to have a particular fetish, such as dressing up in clothing of the opposite sex. Like any fetish it is likely to become a nuisance only if their partner objects or if they are incapable of having an orgasm without the prop of female clothes. I have had several transvestites as patients and have never failed to be surprised how understanding their spouses are of this peculiarity. If it does create tension, it may cause stresses in their relationship, so that their sex life gradually peters out.
The usual pattern of the life of a male transvestite is: taking pleasure in wearing women€™s clothing as a child; when older, wearing or having with them an item of women€™s clothing when masturbating; by the time they have their own sexual partners, wearing female clothing has become part of the ritual.
Although most transvestites reject any suggestion that they are homosexual, research carried out about ten years ago demonstrated that a remarkably high percentage of the small boys of primary school age or younger who were keen on wearing women€™s clothes were in adult life either homosexual or bisexual.
My other doubt about the commitment to heterosexuality of transvestites stemmed from the experiences of one of my patients in the clinic. He was a theatrically pretty rent boy of about 21. He told me that as a transvestite prostitute of many years€™ experience he had always found that even when a man had alleged that he was totally heterosexual he had never needed more than half an hour with him to seduce him. He may have exaggerated but, since he was dying of Aids, it was unlikely that he made it all up.
If you are fantasising about becoming a transsexual and intend to take steps to put your fantasies into reality, it is very likely that your wife will want to consider the future of the marriage. However, as Morris€™s book demonstrates, in many cases couples remain married. If, on the other hand, I have guessed wrongly and you are only fantasising about having sex with a transsexual, it would be as well to keep your fantasies to yourself.
Suzi Godson says:
I should say so. Put it down to a lack of imagination on our part, but women as a gender find it decidedly difficult to remain objective when they are confronted with scenarios such as the one you present in your letter.
Fantasising about transsexuals might not be ground for divorce but no woman wants to hear that during sex in the marital bed her husband is thinking about shagging a man in a dress. As someone who wears dresses all the time, incidental details about attire will be lost on your wife, and whether you think you are gay or not will be irrelevant because the moment you make that admission, your wife is likely to have you down as a shirt-lifter.
If your fantasy really is just a fantasy, you are better off keeping it to yourself. Thoughts are not actions and, as long as you confine your adventures to your imagination, no harm can come of them.
However, I am interested that you use the word transsexual rather than transvestite and wonder whether you know a little more than you are letting on and are actually aware of the difference between the two terms. If you don€™t, you should know that a transsexual is someone who wants to change sex physically.
A transvestite, on the other hand, is someone who enjoys wearing women€™s clothes, but the majority have no desire to live their lives as women, nor do they want to become women.
Unlike transsexuals, most transvestites enjoy being men. They are happy being husbands, and as parents they are happy with the role of father and don€™t wish to become mothers.
The reality of transsexualism or transvestitism is a million miles away from the life you lead. In the safe world of your imagination, sex with a transsexual isn€™t aberrant and the outcome is entirely pleasurable. In the day-to-day marriage that you share with your wife, sex with a transsexual would be at best a betrayal of your marriage vows, at worst the end of your marriage. Though you dismiss your fantasy, it clearly plays on your mind.
Freudian analysts believe that dreams and fantasies reflect inner desires that people find too frightening to process during consciousness, and it may be that some part of you harbours fears about being feminine or gay.
It is possible to control fantasy by consciously swapping one sexual trigger for another less threatening but equally arousing one and, if you find your thoughts unsettling, it would be wise to try to do this because if you allow transsexualism to become a key sexual prompt for you, this fantasy will be with you for a long time €” if it is just a fantasy, that is.
If at any point you feel that you cannot contain your fantasy and you decide that you need to explore transsexuality, you would be well advised to contact the Beaumont Society (www.beaumontsociety.org.uk) before you involve your wife. Set up in the 1960s, the society is the largest and longest established transgendered support group in the UK.
It has developed a support network for transgender, transvestite, transsexual and cross-dressing communities and it also runs Women of the Beaumont Society, a subsection dedicated to supporting the needs of women and families who live with a transgender person. Good luck.
http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol....975.ece
I fantasise about transsexuals. Should I tell my wife?
I have recently started fantasising about transsexuals although I'm happily married and definitely not gay. Would it be a huge mistake to tell my wife?
Dr Thomas Stuttaford and Suzi Godson
Dr Thomas Stuttaford says:
I assume that your fantasies relate to being a transsexual rather than to having sex with a transsexual. But there is frequently confusion between transsexuality and transvestism. Transsexuals have a deeply ingrained conviction that they should properly have been designated a member of the opposite sex, and that there is a disparity between their physique and their psyche. They are certain that their only hope of happiness is to put their Maker€™s mistake right and that they should change their genitalia. They take hormones that make their primary and secondary sexual characteristics more like those of the opposite sex, the gender they feel they should have had.
Provided that they can find a sympathetic medical team, they are often keen to have surgery. The travel writer Jan Morris, formerly the journalist James Morris, wrote about her experience as a transsexual, its consequent problems €” social, medical and emotional €” in her book Conundrum (Faber&Faber, £8.99). It is a first-class account and also gives the politically correct and accepted opinion about the condition.
Transvestites claim to be happy with their gender assignation but nevertheless have an overwhelming urge to dress in clothes of the opposite sex. Most transvestites consider that they are heterosexual but happen to have a particular fetish, such as dressing up in clothing of the opposite sex. Like any fetish it is likely to become a nuisance only if their partner objects or if they are incapable of having an orgasm without the prop of female clothes. I have had several transvestites as patients and have never failed to be surprised how understanding their spouses are of this peculiarity. If it does create tension, it may cause stresses in their relationship, so that their sex life gradually peters out.
The usual pattern of the life of a male transvestite is: taking pleasure in wearing women€™s clothing as a child; when older, wearing or having with them an item of women€™s clothing when masturbating; by the time they have their own sexual partners, wearing female clothing has become part of the ritual.
Although most transvestites reject any suggestion that they are homosexual, research carried out about ten years ago demonstrated that a remarkably high percentage of the small boys of primary school age or younger who were keen on wearing women€™s clothes were in adult life either homosexual or bisexual.
My other doubt about the commitment to heterosexuality of transvestites stemmed from the experiences of one of my patients in the clinic. He was a theatrically pretty rent boy of about 21. He told me that as a transvestite prostitute of many years€™ experience he had always found that even when a man had alleged that he was totally heterosexual he had never needed more than half an hour with him to seduce him. He may have exaggerated but, since he was dying of Aids, it was unlikely that he made it all up.
If you are fantasising about becoming a transsexual and intend to take steps to put your fantasies into reality, it is very likely that your wife will want to consider the future of the marriage. However, as Morris€™s book demonstrates, in many cases couples remain married. If, on the other hand, I have guessed wrongly and you are only fantasising about having sex with a transsexual, it would be as well to keep your fantasies to yourself.
Suzi Godson says:
I should say so. Put it down to a lack of imagination on our part, but women as a gender find it decidedly difficult to remain objective when they are confronted with scenarios such as the one you present in your letter.
Fantasising about transsexuals might not be ground for divorce but no woman wants to hear that during sex in the marital bed her husband is thinking about shagging a man in a dress. As someone who wears dresses all the time, incidental details about attire will be lost on your wife, and whether you think you are gay or not will be irrelevant because the moment you make that admission, your wife is likely to have you down as a shirt-lifter.
If your fantasy really is just a fantasy, you are better off keeping it to yourself. Thoughts are not actions and, as long as you confine your adventures to your imagination, no harm can come of them.
However, I am interested that you use the word transsexual rather than transvestite and wonder whether you know a little more than you are letting on and are actually aware of the difference between the two terms. If you don€™t, you should know that a transsexual is someone who wants to change sex physically.
A transvestite, on the other hand, is someone who enjoys wearing women€™s clothes, but the majority have no desire to live their lives as women, nor do they want to become women.
Unlike transsexuals, most transvestites enjoy being men. They are happy being husbands, and as parents they are happy with the role of father and don€™t wish to become mothers.
The reality of transsexualism or transvestitism is a million miles away from the life you lead. In the safe world of your imagination, sex with a transsexual isn€™t aberrant and the outcome is entirely pleasurable. In the day-to-day marriage that you share with your wife, sex with a transsexual would be at best a betrayal of your marriage vows, at worst the end of your marriage. Though you dismiss your fantasy, it clearly plays on your mind.
Freudian analysts believe that dreams and fantasies reflect inner desires that people find too frightening to process during consciousness, and it may be that some part of you harbours fears about being feminine or gay.
It is possible to control fantasy by consciously swapping one sexual trigger for another less threatening but equally arousing one and, if you find your thoughts unsettling, it would be wise to try to do this because if you allow transsexualism to become a key sexual prompt for you, this fantasy will be with you for a long time €” if it is just a fantasy, that is.
If at any point you feel that you cannot contain your fantasy and you decide that you need to explore transsexuality, you would be well advised to contact the Beaumont Society (www.beaumontsociety.org.uk) before you involve your wife. Set up in the 1960s, the society is the largest and longest established transgendered support group in the UK.
It has developed a support network for transgender, transvestite, transsexual and cross-dressing communities and it also runs Women of the Beaumont Society, a subsection dedicated to supporting the needs of women and families who live with a transgender person. Good luck.
x
methinks he is fantasizing about shagging a tranny.
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