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Motherly LOVE
A mother's support and love gives her transsexual child the strength and confidence to fight prejudice
by SANITSUDA EKACHAI
The Bangkok Post
Mother and daughter, Boonyok and Sittiphan Boonyapisomparn: ``We're closer now than before.''
Her husband's ultimate dream was to have a son. But the first son she bore him lived for only eight hours. Their second son is now a transsexual.
As a wife, Boonyok Boonyapisomparn may have not fulfilled her Chinese family's expectations of a male heir. But as a mother, her unconditional love is unrivalled. And it is this love that has enabled her transsexual child to stand tall against the odds.
"Her love, her full acceptance of who I am, is a major force in my life," says Sittiphan Boonyapisomparn, 28, an advocate for transsexual rights.
"And I'm very proud of what my child is doing for others," says Boonyok.
When Sittiphan, or Hua to her family and friends, was one of the speakers at Thailand's first national conference on sexuality recently, Boonyok was among the people in the front rows, her eyes shining with motherly pride.
Sittiphan's topic - the need for society to see more positive stories about parental acceptance of children with a range of sexual orientations.
"Right now, the main problem is hostility from the family, which deepens the prevailing prejudice that being a transsexual is bad, hence the family's condemnation."
In reality, she says, family reactions to transgendered children are diverse. Some parents, for example, may accept their child's sexuality, but will not accept their cross-dressing. Coming to terms with one another is also often a complex, time-consuming process.
"Some transsexuals may tell you they are not accepted by their families, but others will tell you that their parents are an importance source of moral support, helping them deal with the prevalent social discrimination.
"And I'm one of them," says Sittiphan, an attractive transsexual with a tall, slim model-like frame, her oval face accentuated by long straight hair.
She admits, however, that it has not been an easy journey. "We [transsexuals] need to understand our parents' difficulties. We need to understand the mainstream cultural values that shape our parents' expectations and fears for us, which make it so hard for them to accept that we're different.
"We need to give them time," says Sittiphan, born the only son in a Chinese business family.
For Boonyok, 63, her reason to accept who Sittiphan is is very simple - a mother's love.
Having seen what Sittiphan had to go through - the pain of hiding her true self, the uneasy silences, the weight of social discrimination and her father's deep disappointment - Boonyok knows that as a mother she must give Sittiphan her full support.
"I love my child very, very much. If I turn her away like other people do, I'm only pushing her towards more loneliness, which might make her become suicidal.
"I looked around and found that many other families have similar problems. It's not just us. Then I looked at how my child suffered from social rejection, and I didn't want her to suffer more. As a mother, I cannot add to her pain. Given what she must suffer, I have to love her even more."
No matter how society sees Sittiphan, as a mother Boonyok sees her child as one of life's greatest gifts.
She remembers the family's joy when she gave birth to Sittiphan, nicknamed Hua, in a small town in Phrae province.
"My husband threw a party for his friends the night Hua was born," she says. "Ours is a Chinese family. So having a son to carry on the family's name is very important for us.
"Another reason was because we had been trying for more than 10 years to have a son. My second child, a boy, was premature and he lived for only eight hours. After that, I had fertility problems and the doctors told me to give up hope. Then Hua arrived and fulfilled our dream."
Boonyok describes Hua as a perfect little boy, a riab roy, or prim and proper child who excelled in school and liked to hang out with girls. She started to have some doubts over her son's sexuality when as a teenager Sittiphan started to become secretive.
"I tried talking about girlfriends, about manhood, to encourage Hua to be like other boys. He cut me short, telling me never to think about that, and I told myself it was because my boy wanted to concentrate on studying.
Boonyok says she never accepted what was happening until Sittiphan was at university. One day, Sittiphan called her, weeping so hard on the phone. It was a boyfriend problem.
"As any mother, I suffer when my child suffers. I told Hua that in her situation it's very difficult to expect sincerity from men. But no matter what happens, she can always count on us, her mother and father, for love and support."
A heart-to-heart talk with her Hua dispelled her lingering uneasiness.
"Hua told me in tears that she has suffered a lot being born this way ... to be a woman in man's body. We wept together. After that, I never had any doubt over giving her my full support."
It was initially harder for Boonyok's husband, however.
"But I kept telling him that our child suffers so much already. People look down on her and call her names. Her heart is already full of hurt. How can we, as parents, add to her pain and misery?"
Sittiphan says she fully understands her father, with cultural values that put men before women, the pressure of Chinese tradition to produce a male heir, the life in a small town where everybody knows everybody, the gossip and even ridicule for having a transsexual child.
"Despite his disappointment, he's never shown it. He has never scolded me for breaking his heart. That's how much he loves me."
These days, her husband openly shows admiration for Sittiphan's social work, proudly reports Boonyok.
By sharing their story, Sittiphan and Boonyok hope to show that there are also happy stories of family acceptance of the transgendered.
"And there are many more stories like ours. Many have won over their families by meeting cultural expectations of being grateful children and financially supporting their families. Others, like mine, were fortunate to have the parents' unconditional love.
"Whatever it is, it shows how much parental acceptance means to us."
With a self-confidence borne from parental support, Sittiphan continues with her mission to open social and political space for people with a range of sexualities.
After a three-year stint with the Pattaya-based counselling centre for transgendered women, she is now doing research on the sexual health of the transgendered and on the socio-cultural impact of gender reassignment surgery. She also plans to pursue a masters' degree in medical social science.
"We can't wait for others to help propagate knowledge about transsexuals. We have to do it ourselves. We also need to get organised to make our voices heard."
Still busy with her mission, Sittiphan says running the family's construction business in Phrae can wait for now.
But she calls her mother and father every day, many times a day, to be in touch.
"We're closer now than ever," says Boonyok.
"As parents, we're very happy that our child is doing good work for society. And as any mother, I'm happy when my child is happy."
A mother's support and love gives her transsexual child the strength and confidence to fight prejudice
by SANITSUDA EKACHAI
The Bangkok Post
Mother and daughter, Boonyok and Sittiphan Boonyapisomparn: ``We're closer now than before.''
Her husband's ultimate dream was to have a son. But the first son she bore him lived for only eight hours. Their second son is now a transsexual.
As a wife, Boonyok Boonyapisomparn may have not fulfilled her Chinese family's expectations of a male heir. But as a mother, her unconditional love is unrivalled. And it is this love that has enabled her transsexual child to stand tall against the odds.
"Her love, her full acceptance of who I am, is a major force in my life," says Sittiphan Boonyapisomparn, 28, an advocate for transsexual rights.
"And I'm very proud of what my child is doing for others," says Boonyok.
When Sittiphan, or Hua to her family and friends, was one of the speakers at Thailand's first national conference on sexuality recently, Boonyok was among the people in the front rows, her eyes shining with motherly pride.
Sittiphan's topic - the need for society to see more positive stories about parental acceptance of children with a range of sexual orientations.
"Right now, the main problem is hostility from the family, which deepens the prevailing prejudice that being a transsexual is bad, hence the family's condemnation."
In reality, she says, family reactions to transgendered children are diverse. Some parents, for example, may accept their child's sexuality, but will not accept their cross-dressing. Coming to terms with one another is also often a complex, time-consuming process.
"Some transsexuals may tell you they are not accepted by their families, but others will tell you that their parents are an importance source of moral support, helping them deal with the prevalent social discrimination.
"And I'm one of them," says Sittiphan, an attractive transsexual with a tall, slim model-like frame, her oval face accentuated by long straight hair.
She admits, however, that it has not been an easy journey. "We [transsexuals] need to understand our parents' difficulties. We need to understand the mainstream cultural values that shape our parents' expectations and fears for us, which make it so hard for them to accept that we're different.
"We need to give them time," says Sittiphan, born the only son in a Chinese business family.
For Boonyok, 63, her reason to accept who Sittiphan is is very simple - a mother's love.
Having seen what Sittiphan had to go through - the pain of hiding her true self, the uneasy silences, the weight of social discrimination and her father's deep disappointment - Boonyok knows that as a mother she must give Sittiphan her full support.
"I love my child very, very much. If I turn her away like other people do, I'm only pushing her towards more loneliness, which might make her become suicidal.
"I looked around and found that many other families have similar problems. It's not just us. Then I looked at how my child suffered from social rejection, and I didn't want her to suffer more. As a mother, I cannot add to her pain. Given what she must suffer, I have to love her even more."
No matter how society sees Sittiphan, as a mother Boonyok sees her child as one of life's greatest gifts.
She remembers the family's joy when she gave birth to Sittiphan, nicknamed Hua, in a small town in Phrae province.
"My husband threw a party for his friends the night Hua was born," she says. "Ours is a Chinese family. So having a son to carry on the family's name is very important for us.
"Another reason was because we had been trying for more than 10 years to have a son. My second child, a boy, was premature and he lived for only eight hours. After that, I had fertility problems and the doctors told me to give up hope. Then Hua arrived and fulfilled our dream."
Boonyok describes Hua as a perfect little boy, a riab roy, or prim and proper child who excelled in school and liked to hang out with girls. She started to have some doubts over her son's sexuality when as a teenager Sittiphan started to become secretive.
"I tried talking about girlfriends, about manhood, to encourage Hua to be like other boys. He cut me short, telling me never to think about that, and I told myself it was because my boy wanted to concentrate on studying.
Boonyok says she never accepted what was happening until Sittiphan was at university. One day, Sittiphan called her, weeping so hard on the phone. It was a boyfriend problem.
"As any mother, I suffer when my child suffers. I told Hua that in her situation it's very difficult to expect sincerity from men. But no matter what happens, she can always count on us, her mother and father, for love and support."
A heart-to-heart talk with her Hua dispelled her lingering uneasiness.
"Hua told me in tears that she has suffered a lot being born this way ... to be a woman in man's body. We wept together. After that, I never had any doubt over giving her my full support."
It was initially harder for Boonyok's husband, however.
"But I kept telling him that our child suffers so much already. People look down on her and call her names. Her heart is already full of hurt. How can we, as parents, add to her pain and misery?"
Sittiphan says she fully understands her father, with cultural values that put men before women, the pressure of Chinese tradition to produce a male heir, the life in a small town where everybody knows everybody, the gossip and even ridicule for having a transsexual child.
"Despite his disappointment, he's never shown it. He has never scolded me for breaking his heart. That's how much he loves me."
These days, her husband openly shows admiration for Sittiphan's social work, proudly reports Boonyok.
By sharing their story, Sittiphan and Boonyok hope to show that there are also happy stories of family acceptance of the transgendered.
"And there are many more stories like ours. Many have won over their families by meeting cultural expectations of being grateful children and financially supporting their families. Others, like mine, were fortunate to have the parents' unconditional love.
"Whatever it is, it shows how much parental acceptance means to us."
With a self-confidence borne from parental support, Sittiphan continues with her mission to open social and political space for people with a range of sexualities.
After a three-year stint with the Pattaya-based counselling centre for transgendered women, she is now doing research on the sexual health of the transgendered and on the socio-cultural impact of gender reassignment surgery. She also plans to pursue a masters' degree in medical social science.
"We can't wait for others to help propagate knowledge about transsexuals. We have to do it ourselves. We also need to get organised to make our voices heard."
Still busy with her mission, Sittiphan says running the family's construction business in Phrae can wait for now.
But she calls her mother and father every day, many times a day, to be in touch.
"We're closer now than ever," says Boonyok.
"As parents, we're very happy that our child is doing good work for society. And as any mother, I'm happy when my child is happy."
Nice to hear stories like this. It makes a change from hearing of the condemnation that transsexuals have to bear with. Heart-warming too to hear of this mother's acceptance of her child's sexuality. Clearly, in South East Asia, Thailand is streets ahead in terms of recognising transsexuals for what they are.
To Academia...
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